Drugs Are Baaad… Mmmmmmkay?

So here I sit in a dependency treatment center intake, at an undisclosed location, deep in the heart of Texas.

Humiliated.

Deflated.

I really want to cry like a damn baby. Fuck.

I wrote that upon checking in to The Treehouse Rehabilitation Center in Scurry Texas. There was more in a notebook. Some of the things I journaled I won’t share. It was really scary stuff. I was really scared. I was angry. I was also relieved. More than anything…I was ashamed.

Humiliation is a real thing. We shame ourselves. We tell ourselves what fuck ups we were. How we let everyone down… and ourselves. This demoralization needs to happen to strip us of our defense mechanisms.

But what we need to be reminded of… that early on in life, I had a very dark mind. And also, I had this incredibly huge heart. This huge heart gave me compassion. It gave me empathy. It made me vulnerable to be hurt. My mind was very dark. It convinced me to not trust, that I was unloveable… mostly that I was unworthy. It told me I needed to medicate myself. It taught me to over compensate. It also saved my life.

Our brains are an amazingly complex machine. Baffling at times.

“What was I thinking!?”

“Why did I do that!?”

Those are questions I find myself asking in regards to a knee jerk, reactive response or behavior. Many times nonsensical. I lied for reasons unknown. I behaved irrationally. All trained/learned self preservation techniques I had engrained into my inner most mind. Automatic responses. Thoughtless mindfucks!

Becoming aware of these things allows us to change these deficiencies inside. Not overnight unfortunately. It is a long process. Sometimes it is intently disregarding our first thought. Then it is intentionally introducing our hearts into our thinking process. I require a lot of prayer, meditation, self awareness and questioning my first thought.

“Is this a reasonable reaction?”

“Will I damage myself or someone else?”

“What feeling is behind this reaction?”

Or just simply:

Will I help, or harm this situation?

That is the most valuable question, and I must ask it each and every time. EVERY…FUCKING..TIME!!!

https://youtu.be/2HEHd-k7zFg

Give that link a watch. Worth the 5 minutes.

FAIL MEANS FOREVER

True love is a thing only real in the movies. It doesn’t happen that way ever… when it does it fades quickly.

The flame that burns twice as bright, only burns half as long.

So true. The longer you invest in something the more you yeild. I love fiercely… and to my detriment. It hits hard and fast and then fades just as swiftly, and is always on one side. Never both. The heart break is crushing for one of the two.

And here I find myself driving away again. And with each passing mile I feel the separation becoming greater and greater. And the feelings fade away. She is somebody I will always love. But it won’t always be the same. And if I was being truthful, I would love if she were the one. I watch the romantic feelings dessicate and note a lack of appropriate remorse. Truth is neither of us will be crushed. A little bit of honesty never hurt anybody. But it does make me sad to realize this.

Authors Edit:

I removed two pictures that were seen by the person that I wrote about in the above paragraphs. I didn’t think she would read it as she wasn’t a follower or subscriber of my blog. I am sorry she saw it that way. And if you ever come back to revisit this post, I truly am grieving that portion of the relationship… I miss looking forward to what could have been… and in truth, it never waned, I had to shut it off to save me.

-Dan Dan

I’ve given up on any idea of forever. And it’s kind of sad because I’m quite a romantic. I have attempted love… over and fucking over. It fails. I guess the fail is the forever. I have hurt some amazing and wonderful women, that quite possibly could have been my forever, all due to the fact that I did not realize I hadn’t yet gotten over my exwife.

So again I am back to the idea of finding true happiness and true love within. I am “seeing” myself now. I am Gemini after all. I’m serious, he’s not (asshole!). We are quite happy together in all honesty. He is coming around.

Self-reliance for me is being happy with who I am. It’s being happy when I’m alone. When you stop being reliant on other people for your own happiness you can actually start being happy, and share that with other people again. That starts with coming to terms with your flaws, your demons, and beginning to walk through your struggles.

And that is a daily thing. A true forever struggle. That is where you may find your forever.

https://youtu.be/FicaTt-zUZ

It’s Over, Dead, and Gone. Signed, – Human

When you miss an old relationship, always remember, you are missing what it was. It WAS. Time changes people, circumstances changes people. It’s like missing a ghost…. you are missing something that is no longer there, and hasn’t been in a long time. It does nobody any good sitting around digging up old bones.

You can miss your “what could have been”, but even that is not real. All of that is past tense. Good to have memories…. but don’t live in the past. There can be no future if you are stuck in the past. I believe it is better off left to the archaeologist, the anthropologists, and the dogs.

So then in moving on, oddly, I thought moving on would be the hardest thing I could possibly imagine.

But in that moment of final goodbye, cutting all ties… only a sigh of relief. No more mind fucks. No more saying just enough to keep me dangling by a thread of hope. No more attempts to reel me back in. No more wishing I could go back. I let her feel like it was her decision. I was over it. But I needed her to stop. I had long stopped trying to talk with her. I in fact had been over it for a good long while.

Total relief.

She was the biggest anchor I ever had tied to me. Bigger than meth. Bigger than anything I could have battled on my own. She was my disease, my sickness. My curse.

She wasn’t always that way. She was once amazing. And that is what I had held onto for two years following the divorce. The amazing left in the final years of our marriage. I suppose it was a mixture of reality meeting her ideology. Perhaps a dash of her spiteful moms influence, a huge helping of a dysfunctional me, and a splash of resentful kids that she forced herself on (with my ignorant assistance).

TAKEN TWO YEARS POST DIVORCE

We all do what we feel is best, the difference is if we operate off of what we feel is best for ourselves, or others. The narcissists meets the philanthropist. Do we chose to care more for ourselves or those around us. And that my friends, is not always black and white. No one amongst us is perfect. Some are less so than others.

And it’s not for us to judge, I’ll let God separate the wheat from the chaff. I’ll just continue to try to be better than I was the day before….

And cut anchors…..

Here is my catchy title… !@#$$*&#!!!!

Self loathing is a thing.

It really is. And it is prevalent in our country, in our schools, in our homes, and in our families. And looking within ourselves, each of us can probably see it in ourselves.

I have refined the act of self-loathing. I have made it one of the most disgustingly beautiful art forms. Well I say art form. Its partially art, and probably 80% mental disorder. I felt I needed to create a catchy new name for it.

Why? To make me stand out? Am I being grandiose? Too big and unique for my meager exisitence? Too different?

OH! MY! GOD! Am I turning liberal?

NEVER!!!!!!!!

Enter,

waaaaaiiitt for it……

“SADO-NARCISSISTIC”

Now just think how a narcissist treats others. Lacks compassionate understanding for others (empathy). So self involved in their own appearance, they can hardly pass a mirror (vain). Has an uncanny ability to turn every issue with any blame or consequence and turn it to the fault of anyone else, especially the accuser (I don’t even know what the fuck to call this. Deflection-ist perhaps?). Turns fear of something into hate for something (klansmen, Aryan supremacists, Black Lives Matters, feminists). Often feels like the most intelligent, important in any room. Unable to love others.

Sado-narcissist, in contrast to the narcissist, has compassion for everyone but themselves. Spends so much time marveling how good everyone else looks, deploring they way they look themselves (can never measure up to others physically). Has uncanny ability to take the blame on for any issue in the lives of themselves and everyone else around them (martyrdom). Turns fear of someone or something into love and need for acceptance (codependency?). Often feels like they are in a room of their intellectual and social superiors.

A lot of people like to bring attention to their own faults/mistakes or chronic fuck ups. It’s my belief they do this in hopes of good advice… or a bail-out.

Well not….

πŸ‘πŸ‘‰this guyπŸ‘ˆπŸ‘!!!!

I prefer to recoil and hide from others… stuff my shame and disgust in a box. Seeking help is a bitches cry for help. Advice!?!?!? Duh!!!! Don’t do it again, dipshit.

Learn from your mistakes, DUMBASS!!!

“Perhaps you’d like a foot in your ass!?!”

Ah Red Foreman…

My reaction to my faux pas tends to shrink my circles. Keeps others at arms reach. This is truly a unhealthy reaction. Particularly if you remember this god-awful, often cited, overly-played quote…

“We are only as sick as our own secrets.” Whaaaaaaaa!?!? Somebody get me a doctor! I have a rupturing closet door…

So today, I will confide in someone… change comes from within… I was forced to read advice I had once given to my daughter today, somehow, it was relevant:

Make the change you want to see.. just sayin. Like I said. Write your goals down. Want to live on the west coast? Make a plan to visit east coast first. Make sure you are not settling. Small goals to start Sarah, Joshua, and Jonny. Never limit yourselves. Write down the small goals. How do you see yourself making that happen? Take the next right step. Contact your family and your friends. Bounce it off all of them.. real friends will say make it happen. The best friends will say “This is how I would make it happen!”
Never settle, know your real worth. Not what you see, what your true friends see in you. Use them as your mirror. For their words hold more weight than our self-critical minds. Be the you that you want to see!

That and prayer…

Seems fairly simple does it not?

Today, I will look at myself the way others view me.

Today, I will confide in someone.

Today, I will make a list, envision what steps it would take to make my dreams and goals my reality.

Today I will pray, not for myself, but for others. Especially that God place his hand on my dad to heal his cancer. God is bigger than me.

HE has got this. If I try to hold the ball, I will only lose yardage, time to pass.

Hut!

Hut!

HIKE!!!!

Dear God, your irony is not lost on me.

Pastor Dan, youth minister. 

My life has been a folly. 

(but not a Matt Foley)
Recently, on a Saturday afternoon, post Thanksgiving, on a long drive, alone again, I began considering things spiritual. My spirituality, other peoples  spirituality,  and how that all intermingled. I stumbled into one of my favorite coffee shops in the Ashburn area. As I order my coffee, the Barista smiles and said this is going to be an odd question. I told her to fire away, and then she asked me if I was a youth pastor. She said you seem cool, like a youth pastor, lots of energy ..like a youth pastor and, well, just the face of a youth pastor.

What does a youth pastor look like?

Maybe she is just into youth pastors.

I chuckled a little bit, as I thought to myself how far away I was from a youth pastor. The first thought in my head was the Apostle Paul. He once stated, and I paraphrase, that I am the sinner of sinners. I thought of that, as I totally relate. As far away as I am from the youth pastor, her guess was not that far off.

Not to say that I am Pious like a youth pastor, or deeply rooted in Scripture. But she spoke to my heart. Or maybe she saw my heart. When I was an “on fire Christian”….. I wanted to become involved in Ministry. And the two areas were youth pastor, or marriage ministry. On both fronts, I completely failed in my personal life. Many of my frequent prayers have been, stated in a minimalist manner, “Lord, show me my greatest weakness.”

3 agnostic children and 2 failed marriages later, here I sit.

Those are glaring side effects of the underlying causes. 

Trust. Follow-through. Compromise. Greed. Lust. Weakness. This list could go on and on and I could rip myself to shreds. I could write a riveting tell-all of How Not To….. well you can fill in the blanks of subjects ad nauseum .

Why today? Why after my thoughts drifted off to God? Why Me? And why has that conversation ran through my mind over and over. Dear God, it’s me, Daniel….

Two and a half years on the “Boom-Boom” wagon, schlepping my way from bed to bed and lying my way from woman to woman… whiskey stiffled my conscience enough to feel ok about it (only till the drink or feeling faded away) so that i could keep up my game of “port bingo”. It all stiffled my spirituality as well. Kinked the God conduit if you will. 

I used to hear Him.. not so much in the audible sense, but in murmurs to my soul, a gentle guiding hand. Answers to questions.  Those lines have gone silent. Not so much as busy signal or dial tone. Matters of the flesh has overtaken that. Concerns of worldy clammerings have superseded my spiritual pursuits. And man, it’s fucking loud in my head.

https://youtu.be/yV21TcbeAfY

I still talk to God however. and I no longer play Beach Blanket Bingo. Meaningless sex has lost its luster. It’s difficult to pretend you’re somebody else for long periods of time. It becomes exhausting and even more so, expensive as hell.  It took its toll on me physically, mentally, financially and spiritually. 

It was something I had done to hide the pain. I used to keep track of the numbers as a badge of honor. It was a joke amongst my circles of friends. A bragging right for myself, and endless locker room stories. 

The numbers have faded away. I really have to sit down and think it through to come up with an approximate number. I have a lot of shame regarding those conquests I used to relay to my colleagues and friends in lewd graphic detail. 

Youth pastor…. I think not. Fallen angel, wayward wanderer. Maybe. Think I’ll go to church today. Well on second thought I have a lot of driving to do. I’ll do it later

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