It’s Over, Dead, and Gone. Signed, – Human

When you miss an old relationship, always remember, you are missing what it was. It WAS. Time changes people, circumstances changes people. It’s like missing a ghost…. you are missing something that is no longer there, and hasn’t been in a long time. It does nobody any good sitting around digging up old bones.

You can miss your “what could have been”, but even that is not real. All of that is past tense. Good to have memories…. but don’t live in the past. There can be no future if you are stuck in the past. I believe it is better off left to the archaeologist, the anthropologists, and the dogs.

So then in moving on, oddly, I thought moving on would be the hardest thing I could possibly imagine.

But in that moment of final goodbye, cutting all ties… only a sigh of relief. No more mind fucks. No more saying just enough to keep me dangling by a thread of hope. No more attempts to reel me back in. No more wishing I could go back. I let her feel like it was her decision. I was over it. But I needed her to stop. I had long stopped trying to talk with her. I in fact had been over it for a good long while.

Total relief.

She was the biggest anchor I ever had tied to me. Bigger than meth. Bigger than anything I could have battled on my own. She was my disease, my sickness. My curse.

She wasn’t always that way. She was once amazing. And that is what I had held onto for two years following the divorce. The amazing left in the final years of our marriage. I suppose it was a mixture of reality meeting her ideology. Perhaps a dash of her spiteful moms influence, a huge helping of a dysfunctional me, and a splash of resentful kids that she forced herself on (with my ignorant assistance).

TAKEN TWO YEARS POST DIVORCE

We all do what we feel is best, the difference is if we operate off of what we feel is best for ourselves, or others. The narcissists meets the philanthropist. Do we chose to care more for ourselves or those around us. And that my friends, is not always black and white. No one amongst us is perfect. Some are less so than others.

And it’s not for us to judge, I’ll let God separate the wheat from the chaff. I’ll just continue to try to be better than I was the day before….

And cut anchors…..

Here is my catchy title… !@#$$*&#!!!!

Self loathing is a thing.

It really is. And it is prevalent in our country, in our schools, in our homes, and in our families. And looking within ourselves, each of us can probably see it in ourselves.

I have refined the act of self-loathing. I have made it one of the most disgustingly beautiful art forms. Well I say art form. Its partially art, and probably 80% mental disorder. I felt I needed to create a catchy new name for it.

Why? To make me stand out? Am I being grandiose? Too big and unique for my meager exisitence? Too different?

OH! MY! GOD! Am I turning liberal?

NEVER!!!!!!!!

Enter,

waaaaaiiitt for it……

“SADO-NARCISSISTIC”

Now just think how a narcissist treats others. Lacks compassionate understanding for others (empathy). So self involved in their own appearance, they can hardly pass a mirror (vain). Has an uncanny ability to turn every issue with any blame or consequence and turn it to the fault of anyone else, especially the accuser (I don’t even know what the fuck to call this. Deflection-ist perhaps?). Turns fear of something into hate for something (klansmen, Aryan supremacists, Black Lives Matters, feminists). Often feels like the most intelligent, important in any room. Unable to love others.

Sado-narcissist, in contrast to the narcissist, has compassion for everyone but themselves. Spends so much time marveling how good everyone else looks, deploring they way they look themselves (can never measure up to others physically). Has uncanny ability to take the blame on for any issue in the lives of themselves and everyone else around them (martyrdom). Turns fear of someone or something into love and need for acceptance (codependency?). Often feels like they are in a room of their intellectual and social superiors.

A lot of people like to bring attention to their own faults/mistakes or chronic fuck ups. It’s my belief they do this in hopes of good advice… or a bail-out.

Well not….

πŸ‘πŸ‘‰this guyπŸ‘ˆπŸ‘!!!!

I prefer to recoil and hide from others… stuff my shame and disgust in a box. Seeking help is a bitches cry for help. Advice!?!?!? Duh!!!! Don’t do it again, dipshit.

Learn from your mistakes, DUMBASS!!!

“Perhaps you’d like a foot in your ass!?!”

Ah Red Foreman…

My reaction to my faux pas tends to shrink my circles. Keeps others at arms reach. This is truly a unhealthy reaction. Particularly if you remember this god-awful, often cited, overly-played quote…

“We are only as sick as our own secrets.” Whaaaaaaaa!?!? Somebody get me a doctor! I have a rupturing closet door…

So today, I will confide in someone… change comes from within… I was forced to read advice I had once given to my daughter today, somehow, it was relevant:

Make the change you want to see.. just sayin. Like I said. Write your goals down. Want to live on the west coast? Make a plan to visit east coast first. Make sure you are not settling. Small goals to start Sarah, Joshua, and Jonny. Never limit yourselves. Write down the small goals. How do you see yourself making that happen? Take the next right step. Contact your family and your friends. Bounce it off all of them.. real friends will say make it happen. The best friends will say “This is how I would make it happen!”
Never settle, know your real worth. Not what you see, what your true friends see in you. Use them as your mirror. For their words hold more weight than our self-critical minds. Be the you that you want to see!

That and prayer…

Seems fairly simple does it not?

Today, I will look at myself the way others view me.

Today, I will confide in someone.

Today, I will make a list, envision what steps it would take to make my dreams and goals my reality.

Today I will pray, not for myself, but for others. Especially that God place his hand on my dad to heal his cancer. God is bigger than me.

HE has got this. If I try to hold the ball, I will only lose yardage, time to pass.

Hut!

Hut!

HIKE!!!!

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