I whine. I bitch. I moan.
This is of my own making. How I chose to behave. The friends I decide to keep. The things I put myself through. How I present myself to others. Self realization is a bitch. So is self actualization. So is affirmative action. For that matter, so is life.
Depression is a mutha fucking beast! Pulling oneself out from beneath it… well, you take someone who barely has a will to exsist, give them a great desire to simply cease to exsist. Now you go shame them incessantly about their low drive, less than chipper moods, poor decisionmaking, inability to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, obvious weak will, and their awful behavior (and dont forget to constantly poke fun at their recent wieght loss/gain). Also talk about their avoidance, as if it is directed towards you. More shame should shake them out of it.
Now get ready for the fun folks, this is a real multilayer cake, each one so much heavier than before. See all that negative garbage above you just reinforced for them? No, I didn’t misspeak there. Thats right kids I said, “R-E-I-N-F-O-R-C-E-D!” Because they already tell themselves these things with every passing thought, every shallow breath, 24/7.
…….In even way more imaginative, dark, morose and morbid ways.
They already experience the shame internally with the constant self doubt, inner resentments, and what have you. So this drives them right into feeling guilt. Feeling like they are this horrble person, with good intentions, just lacking the intestinal fortitude to make the good intentions come to fruition, obviously making us bad people.
******EXTRA MINDFUCK ALERT!*******
We all know, what happens to baaad people, dont we…..????? Bad things.. karmic strikes. Depression creates these overwhelming fears, these 5000 pound hippos sitting squarely on your shoulders. Making it at times so overwhelming, that its hard to breath…
“I know it, I am going to lose my job! They are planning my termination now”
“OMG! NO JOB, HOW WILL I PAY MY BILLS?”
Im going to lose my car, my girlfriend/wife, my house. Great, I’ll be the failure of the family, they will all talk behind my back while politely smiling and assuring me, “It going to get better, you’ll see!”
I need to stop writing for a moment. I am literally about to puke.
So a day later, I am back to it. Writing again. Day 6 of no money and pawning your shit to eat peanutbutter and jelly, coco crispies and (1) totinos $1.25 pizza allowed per day. To put just enough gas to get to work and back. And guess what, I’m running outta shit to sell. I would like to take a moment to thank the psychotic c… (I am not going to use that word), witch that I allowed to shove it up my ass, break it off in me, and put me in this position. I really do allow myself to be vulnerable to the wrong people. Next time a girl informs me, I am a “little crazy”, and “I may be too much for you to handle”, I am not going to mark those words as cute, grandios flirtation. I will assume that, again, this means full on schizophrenia with multiple personality disorder, and run like Satan is chasing me. And NEVER, EVER LOOKING BACK.
But you make it through. And that is the hardest part. You make it through another day, another trial, another miserable, lucid, tranquil, beautiful and delicious nightmare. One that only seems to lead you to the next. What carries us through the day? The hope for a better tomorrow? The idea that it can’t rain all the the time? I don’t know. I just muddle through… then wonder what tomorrow holds… with giddy anticipation.
I need to work on being grateful. I mean, I could be married to a cheating whore of a wife. One who works at the same establishment as I. One who is fucking a man who more or less is my boss, and blames me. Pardon me, I did not undress the two of you, and push him down on top of you. And subsequently, each time he tried to get up, push him back down, by his ass, with my foot. That was you, whore. This is happening to a friend of mine. And he has it rubbed in his face everyday. And yet he remains professional at work.
So yeah, I dont have a wife today, and for that I am very grateful.
One more thing, his wife is a FUCKING WHORE!