A gentleman pursues, never chases.
Here is what chasing looks like, for you poor, blind, bastards.
She gives you enough attention to seem nice. Kind, courteous… never really stand-offish. Her “I love you” is more of a “let’s always be friends”. You’re not ever really a priority. If someone does not treat you as much of a priority as you treat them then it is time to relinquish the pursuit. You may have to accept friend zone status.
AND THAT IS OKAY.
I have a lot of females that are friends. Yes, just friends. And I have personally witnessed the pain, frustration, harassment and irritation they have to endure from “the guy that just doesn’t get it”. I have a friend that had to quit going to certain AA meetings just to avoid one guy that didn’t get it.
What does the guy who doesn’t get it look like?
DON’T BE THAT GUY ⬆️.
He turns up at similar places and bumps into you. Calls/texts incessantly. Never notices that you don’t initiate contact. Drops by unannounced. Puffs up when you introduce him to other male friends. I’ve really noticed much firmer handshakes when meeting friend-zoned suckers. 1/100 times, this will end well for you. But each one of these guys secretly believe they are one in a hundred.
He has a sneaky way of trying to metaphorically “pee everywhere” to mark his territory. A passive-aggressive pursuit. Tries to rearrange everything in his schedule on the off chance he can accommodate hers, seldom ever working out. Ladies, this is when it’s ok to not be nice, brutal honesty is very necessary at this point. Tell this guy it is not, nor will it ever, blossom into more. In time he will appreciate your candor.
Even give reasons to eliminate any doubt this guy will have that what you are telling him will not change for you. If he doesn’t get it, next course of action will be a order of protection, if you are wise.
Again, I blame cinema. And women who leave any doubt in a guys head.
A true pursuit involves reciprocity. Glimpses of interest from the pursuant. An occasional, “I haven’t heard from you lately, I miss you.” or “Hey, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.” or “Hey, what are you up to this weekend?” , NOT followed with I need help moving, I don’t want to go to the dealership by myself, or I need you to look at my car… she is using you then.
She will contact you to thank you for the flowers, not avoid you, prompting you to ask her if she got them.
She will call you just to talk. She won’t talk about this guy she is seeing. She will use subtle, yet obvious clues she is interested.
You won’t have to call the girl, that you have friend-zoned, asking her “What does this mean when she said ______?”.
She will express interest in you, you can’t change her opinion or her feelings.
If you find yourself spending countless hours reading over past text conversations, scrolling through her social media pages, friend lists, leaving endless messages without a reply, and generally obsessing with little or no actual interaction… your a fucking stalker. Stop wasting your time. Get a healthy fucking hobby.
This guy doesn’t see how really sad he looks.
So get over it bro. As for me I’ve had many opportunities at love. And guaran-damn-teed I’ve fucked every single one up.
I have learned the valuable lesson of loving me, and being good with being alone. I know how unhealthy it is to try too hard. Yeah, it gets their attention, and they know who they can depend on, but it never is returned. And it is perfectly okay to give without expectations, so long as you are absolutely sure there is not an underlying expectation.
The greatest gift given to me in sobriety is self-awareness. The gift of knowing what a great heart I have. Albeit sometimes led astray by worldly clamorings.
I am fully prepared to live my days out, happily, alone. After all, this vagabond life is not for everyone. Such a big world, so much to see, and so little time.
I want to see it all…