So here I sit in a dependency treatment center intake, at an undisclosed location, deep in the heart of Texas.
I really want to cry like a damn baby. Fuck.
I wrote that upon checking in to The Treehouse Rehabilitation Center in Scurry Texas. There was more in a notebook. Some of the things I journaled I won’t share. It was really scary stuff. I was really scared. I was angry. I was also relieved. More than anything…I was ashamed.
Humiliation is a real thing. We shame ourselves. We tell ourselves what fuck ups we were. How we let everyone down… and ourselves. This demoralization needs to happen to strip us of our defense mechanisms.
But what we need to be reminded of… that early on in life, I had a very dark mind. And also, I had this incredibly huge heart. This huge heart gave me compassion. It gave me empathy. It made me vulnerable to be hurt. My mind was very dark. It convinced me to not trust, that I was unloveable… mostly that I was unworthy. It told me I needed to medicate myself. It taught me to over compensate. It also saved my life.
Our brains are an amazingly complex machine. Baffling at times.
“What was I thinking!?”
“Why did I do that!?”
Those are questions I find myself asking in regards to a knee jerk, reactive response or behavior. Many times nonsensical. I lied for reasons unknown. I behaved irrationally. All trained/learned self preservation techniques I had engrained into my inner most mind. Automatic responses. Thoughtless mindfucks!
Becoming aware of these things allows us to change these deficiencies inside. Not overnight unfortunately. It is a long process. Sometimes it is intently disregarding our first thought. Then it is intentionally introducing our hearts into our thinking process. I require a lot of prayer, meditation, self awareness and questioning my first thought.
“Is this a reasonable reaction?”
“Will I damage myself or someone else?”
“What feeling is behind this reaction?”
Or just simply:
“Will I help, or harm this situation?“
That is the most valuable question, and I must ask it each and every time. EVERY…FUCKING..TIME!!!
Give that link a watch. Worth the 5 minutes.