So here I sit, frozen by fear. Fear of what? I have no idea. Perhaps fear of failure. Or rejection. Or just plain old the unknown.
Anxiety is a motherfuker. Especially when you have treated it most of your life with drugs and alcohol.
Doesn’t mean I’m not going to go forward and try doing what needs to be done next. I need to move through the fear, breath and know everything will be ok. In the mean time… it’s a bitch!
Being fucked is always a temporary status. Doesn’t take away the feelings you experience in the middle of your fucked-ness. Anger. Shame. Hopelessness. Dispair… FEAR. Fear that chokes the willingness out of me.
Fear of being..
.. a failure.
..hired (and what if I suck at the new job? Honestly folks!).
..physically or emotionally injured.
The list could go on and on, ad nauseam. It is insideous. This is anxiety on steroids. It’s why I can’t get sleep. It’s paralyzing.
If anxiety were a monster..
I am tired of being bullied by my own fears. Generally, the struggles do not appear on the outside. It is all internal. But the fact that others do not see this, does not make it any less real to those of us that suffer with these constant internal battles. Believe me, it is a battle. Never ceasing. Even as I lay down at night I am forced to endure wave after wave of anxieties demons striking fear and self doubt into my every thought. Sleep escapes me. Today is day five of three to four hours of rest.
THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU
I hate asking for help, being vulnerable. Being helpless. Or looking incapable. After all, I’ve done a great job with my life on my own. Right?
We have to be vulnerable. We all need help from time to time.
Perhaps the void of anxiety could be found in the center of being humble…
Now if that is something for me to chew on…
My name is Dan, welcome to my journey.