Drugs Are Baaad… Mmmmmmkay?

So here I sit in a dependency treatment center intake, at an undisclosed location, deep in the heart of Texas.

Humiliated.

Deflated.

I really want to cry like a damn baby. Fuck.

I wrote that upon checking in to The Treehouse Rehabilitation Center in Scurry Texas. There was more in a notebook. Some of the things I journaled I won’t share. It was really scary stuff. I was really scared. I was angry. I was also relieved. More than anything…I was ashamed.

Humiliation is a real thing. We shame ourselves. We tell ourselves what fuck ups we were. How we let everyone down… and ourselves. This demoralization needs to happen to strip us of our defense mechanisms.

But what we need to be reminded of… that early on in life, I had a very dark mind. And also, I had this incredibly huge heart. This huge heart gave me compassion. It gave me empathy. It made me vulnerable to be hurt. My mind was very dark. It convinced me to not trust, that I was unloveable… mostly that I was unworthy. It told me I needed to medicate myself. It taught me to over compensate. It also saved my life.

Our brains are an amazingly complex machine. Baffling at times.

“What was I thinking!?”

“Why did I do that!?”

Those are questions I find myself asking in regards to a knee jerk, reactive response or behavior. Many times nonsensical. I lied for reasons unknown. I behaved irrationally. All trained/learned self preservation techniques I had engrained into my inner most mind. Automatic responses. Thoughtless mindfucks!

Becoming aware of these things allows us to change these deficiencies inside. Not overnight unfortunately. It is a long process. Sometimes it is intently disregarding our first thought. Then it is intentionally introducing our hearts into our thinking process. I require a lot of prayer, meditation, self awareness and questioning my first thought.

“Is this a reasonable reaction?”

“Will I damage myself or someone else?”

“What feeling is behind this reaction?”

Or just simply:

Will I help, or harm this situation?

That is the most valuable question, and I must ask it each and every time. EVERY…FUCKING..TIME!!!

https://youtu.be/2HEHd-k7zFg

Give that link a watch. Worth the 5 minutes.

Of Fearz and Neurotic Mania….Weeeeee! Let’s Go Play!!

So here I sit, frozen by fear. Fear of what? I have no idea. Perhaps fear of failure. Or rejection. Or just plain old the unknown.

Anxiety is a motherfuker. Especially when you have treated it most of your life with drugs and alcohol.

Doesn’t mean I’m not going to go forward and try doing what needs to be done next. I need to move through the fear, breath and know everything will be ok. In the mean time… it’s a bitch!

Being fucked is always a temporary status. Doesn’t take away the feelings you experience in the middle of your fucked-ness. Anger. Shame. Hopelessness. Dispair… FEAR. Fear that chokes the willingness out of me.

Fear of being..

.. a failure.

..wrong.

..right.

..ridiculed.

..in trouble.

..in debt.

..fired.

..hired (and what if I suck at the new job? Honestly folks!).

..yelled at.

..resented.

..physically or emotionally injured.

..denied.

..ambushed.

The list could go on and on, ad nauseam. It is insideous. This is anxiety on steroids. It’s why I can’t get sleep. It’s paralyzing.

If anxiety were a monster..

I am tired of being bullied by my own fears. Generally, the struggles do not appear on the outside. It is all internal. But the fact that others do not see this, does not make it any less real to those of us that suffer with these constant internal battles. Believe me, it is a battle. Never ceasing. Even as I lay down at night I am forced to endure wave after wave of anxieties demons striking fear and self doubt into my every thought. Sleep escapes me. Today is day five of three to four hours of rest.

THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU

I hate asking for help, being vulnerable. Being helpless. Or looking incapable. After all, I’ve done a great job with my life on my own. Right?

We have to be vulnerable. We all need help from time to time.

Perhaps the void of anxiety could be found in the center of being humble…

Now if that is something for me to chew on…

My name is Dan, welcome to my journey.

Ode to the Lady in Blue

Today is a monumental occasion. 42 years ago today a beautiful child was brought into this world.

Her life would not be easy. Her life would be trying. Her life would be full of trauma. She was pushed very hard. Harder than most. What would have injured most people, put in this woman a fierce determination for success.

She was not shown a good example of what love is, yet she determined to become an example of love in this despicable world. A place full of deceit, anger, hidden motives, selfishness, betrayal and ugly people… she chose to touch people with her loving light.

A girl who was robbed of childhood, became a lover of children and like a child herself. Though she was never made a mother she would have been a great one, I guarantee you that!!

Her determination awarded her certain successes. In that success, she chose to share it with other people. Helping to build them up and show them their own talents. She seems to have a knack for seeing in others what they do not see in themselves. She has an eye for beauty, of what dwells deep within.

One could liken her to a greens keeper. She could look at a plain brown seed and recognize the beauty it hides from the world. Most of us would walk past it and never think twice about the unnoticeable, earthy nugget. She on the other hand sees it’s TRUE potential.

Carefully, she gathers the seed and shows everyone the oddly shaped pit and raves of its beauty. People may scoff at her, “What do you see in that!? Its a useless nut! Cast it aside and rid yourself of it, it will be of no good to you!”.

Against their advise, she places it in rich soil and waters it. She turns the soil and nurtures it. Most importantly, she quickly plucks the weeds away from it. Weeds that wishes to rob it of its water, nutrients, and hide it from the sun.

She does this simply to watch it emerge from the soil. To watch the sprout become a stalk full of leaves and eventually blossom to the brilliant flower she saw within the seed. And in that alone she receives delight.

I hope you all get to have a person like this in your life. Mine has been enriched by it and I am constantly inspired by her. In her words to me, in my observations of her, and as a bystander in her life.

Never let your light fade. Those of us who can call you friend, are blessed beyond words.

Happy birthday, I see you.

Oh, I would be remiss to forget to add… BOY DOES SHE ROCK BLUE!

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