Dammit, The Universe Ain’t Throwing No Breaks.

I’ve always been a believer, do good and good shall come on to you.

Lately it’s become: no good deed goes unpunished…

Oh I am not blameless. I’ve made my share misjudgments, bad calls, and outright shitty behavior.

Perhaps karma has stepped in from past wrongs that I have not yet atoned for. Who knows. But I don’t steal. Not to mention steal from people who I consider a friend, or someone trying to help someone who has been dealt a worse hand than himself. I always felt the need to help others.

What I saw was a hard working man, trying to clean his past up and had a lot of heart. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. He was human still making mistakes, hell we all are. The police officer/neighbor indirectly vouched for him in a side conversation we had a few weeks earlier, “He is a hell of a good guy, when he puts his nose to the grind.”

I didn’t notice the sidebar like I should have.

Leap forward to a work trip that would have me on the road for almost three weeks. He or his girlfriend would call almost every night to see how I was doing, to let me know what was accomplished around the house. For two weeks. The last week nothing. Neither would answer a phone. They communicated through a friend the phone was “damaged”.

I began to worry, not for them, about them. Spidey senses tingled a bit too late.

When I got home, the back door was unlocked. Electricity was cut off. The only thing I asked of them in return for staying there was to get electric paid. The place was ransacked. Not just mine, but the other tenant who was away. Only things of mine that were left behind was a crystal decanter that belonged to my grandmother and a older personal mac computer. I know he left the decanter of mine behind due to the sentimental value it had to me. Even took every pair of shorts, socks, t-shirts and underwear I had there. Left my button up shirts, how kind.

Anger, rage, betrayal, and hurt all in one huge slap. I felt exposed, violated and stupid. So fucking stupid. And hurt.

Dumb-hurt?

And to add insult to injury, the other tenants family came to get what was left behind of hers and accused me of stealing her things. And… took the decanter, my tablet, the toilet paper I bought (who does that?) and who knows what else before I realized it.

I’ve lost hope in humanity. People are fucking evil. Redemption is a fucking lie. Mankind IS the devil.

I really need my faith restored.

Give me something God!

FAIL MEANS FOREVER

True love is a thing only real in the movies. It doesn’t happen that way ever… when it does it fades quickly.

The flame that burns twice as bright, only burns half as long.

So true. The longer you invest in something the more you yeild. I love fiercely… and to my detriment. It hits hard and fast and then fades just as swiftly, and is always on one side. Never both. The heart break is crushing for one of the two.

And here I find myself driving away again. And with each passing mile I feel the separation becoming greater and greater. And the feelings fade away. She is somebody I will always love. But it won’t always be the same. And if I was being truthful, I would love if she were the one. I watch the romantic feelings dessicate and note a lack of appropriate remorse. Truth is neither of us will be crushed. A little bit of honesty never hurt anybody. But it does make me sad to realize this.

Authors Edit:

I removed two pictures that were seen by the person that I wrote about in the above paragraphs. I didn’t think she would read it as she wasn’t a follower or subscriber of my blog. I am sorry she saw it that way. And if you ever come back to revisit this post, I truly am grieving that portion of the relationship… I miss looking forward to what could have been… and in truth, it never waned, I had to shut it off to save me.

-Dan Dan

I’ve given up on any idea of forever. And it’s kind of sad because I’m quite a romantic. I have attempted love… over and fucking over. It fails. I guess the fail is the forever. I have hurt some amazing and wonderful women, that quite possibly could have been my forever, all due to the fact that I did not realize I hadn’t yet gotten over my exwife.

So again I am back to the idea of finding true happiness and true love within. I am “seeing” myself now. I am Gemini after all. I’m serious, he’s not (asshole!). We are quite happy together in all honesty. He is coming around.

Self-reliance for me is being happy with who I am. It’s being happy when I’m alone. When you stop being reliant on other people for your own happiness you can actually start being happy, and share that with other people again. That starts with coming to terms with your flaws, your demons, and beginning to walk through your struggles.

And that is a daily thing. A true forever struggle. That is where you may find your forever.

https://youtu.be/FicaTt-zUZ

It’s Over, Dead, and Gone. Signed, – Human

When you miss an old relationship, always remember, you are missing what it was. It WAS. Time changes people, circumstances changes people. It’s like missing a ghost…. you are missing something that is no longer there, and hasn’t been in a long time. It does nobody any good sitting around digging up old bones.

You can miss your “what could have been”, but even that is not real. All of that is past tense. Good to have memories…. but don’t live in the past. There can be no future if you are stuck in the past. I believe it is better off left to the archaeologist, the anthropologists, and the dogs.

So then in moving on, oddly, I thought moving on would be the hardest thing I could possibly imagine.

But in that moment of final goodbye, cutting all ties… only a sigh of relief. No more mind fucks. No more saying just enough to keep me dangling by a thread of hope. No more attempts to reel me back in. No more wishing I could go back. I let her feel like it was her decision. I was over it. But I needed her to stop. I had long stopped trying to talk with her. I in fact had been over it for a good long while.

Total relief.

She was the biggest anchor I ever had tied to me. Bigger than meth. Bigger than anything I could have battled on my own. She was my disease, my sickness. My curse.

She wasn’t always that way. She was once amazing. And that is what I had held onto for two years following the divorce. The amazing left in the final years of our marriage. I suppose it was a mixture of reality meeting her ideology. Perhaps a dash of her spiteful moms influence, a huge helping of a dysfunctional me, and a splash of resentful kids that she forced herself on (with my ignorant assistance).

TAKEN TWO YEARS POST DIVORCE

We all do what we feel is best, the difference is if we operate off of what we feel is best for ourselves, or others. The narcissists meets the philanthropist. Do we chose to care more for ourselves or those around us. And that my friends, is not always black and white. No one amongst us is perfect. Some are less so than others.

And it’s not for us to judge, I’ll let God separate the wheat from the chaff. I’ll just continue to try to be better than I was the day before….

And cut anchors…..

Still Waiting For Intent to Catch the Author

My intent, when starting this blog, was to not be self-indulgent, whiney or negative. But to be positive, uplifting, inspiring, and a bit funny.

OOPS!

Think I’ll burn this bitch down, reboot. Start a new….

Maybe indeed I knew what I was doing. After all, this was a journey of self-discovery. Boy did I learn more about myself than I ever wanted to learn. I have a tendency to keep myself emotionally stunted, walk into the same locked door over and fucking over, and generally make a folly of my own life.

And this is where it stops.

Fuck ups and backslides are acceptable. Dwelling is not. Fuck up and move on.

As we all know male pattern retardation is very real in this one.

So a rebirth of some uncertain order is in store. Yes, by all means, there will be whiskey. Probably more than I should drink.

But don’t let that detract, from the fact, that I’m going to change my act.

Hear that? That was a promising career of a rap star going down the shitter.

Floooooooshhhh!!!!

So, here I sit, contemplating how to make this all positive, reaffirming, comforting.

I can surmise it with one simple paragraph. Listen up dumbass.

Life sucks and then we die. No one gets out unscathed, unhurt or unaffected. Our purpose on this blue, gaseous (not my fault, I have omitted Taco Bell from my diet), spinning orb, is to create our own happiness. My source of happiness comes from appreciating the small things. Children’s laughter. A long peaceful ride on a motorbike. The love and comfort of someone special. Giving love and comfort to someone. A well written book. Ice cream, fine cigars and bitchen whiskey.

Face it buttercup, life is not all about you. It doesn’t come to you. You have to go out and get it. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to the finer things in life now and then.

Over do it or dont…

Find

Your

Center

Me? I like writing, the mountains, motorbikes, making people smile, whiskey, and my people… see ya’ll soon.

Allow an edit here…

I met 2 people in my travels this week. She snapped her back and had a surgeon fuck up… paralyzed her…he had been ejected 1/4 of a mile from his vehicle.. died something like 7 times.. lost a lot of his fine motor skills..short term memory. They have had many obstacles and met one another after their tragedies. I have not met two people, so happy, and so friendly in all my travels. If ever Metallica or Dead and company comes to Phoenix, I hope to be able to force them to join me (she has not been to a show since her accident, and we share a fanship).

I hope it doesn’t take a misfortune like that to make any of us happy people.

CHEERS TO THE DEATHRAGE FAMILY!

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