OF MYTHICAL CREATURES AND EX’S

Never. Never would I have ever thought. Never would I have imagined.

Imagining……… hearing “X” song without having romantic delusions of my ex-wife.

Not only did I experience this…. I felt sorry for her. Her idea of love is one that can only be realized for moments at a time.

My God how sickening is that thought….. she is far more pitiful than I had once imagined. Loving only for a season. We all have expectations of what our partners, soul mates, or as I prefer, “My Person” would be like. The one I had imagined in my youth was a tall, subservient, witty, fun-loving, “legs for days”, neighborhood organizer, mom to even the kids friends, understanding, kind-hearted, forgiving…..

Oh shit, I could go on. What I had in my mind was indeed far more rare than a unicorn. Unicorns are merely legends. This idea was beyond the wildest myth. My imagery, ideology, far beyond fantasy idea of what my perfect partner was going to, or should be, did not take into account any of my flaws.

My character defects, larger than any elephant in the room, more glaring than 100,000 candlepower led light bar bought off of Billybobs 4×4 Shine Runners Hub, and more destructive than a bomb-vested jihadist wearing a razorblade trench coat.

Let’s just say I could disrupt a cataclysmic event. I am certain end of days will happen after I die. I could walk into an epic Heaven v. Hell battle between Satans army of demons and Gods army of warrior angels…. both sides would simply stop. Satan would remark “Holy shit, did you feel the energy of that battle field take a fucked up turn? I think I am gonna go lay down and reconsider my life goals”.

(Who’s my little creampuff?)

Angel’s would lay down their weapons, walk away arm in arm with each other, comforting demons with phrases like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you Jehovah’s Witnesses weren’t all bad.” Or “You know, that Judas guy wasn’t such a bad dude, hell did you hear what I did for a Klondike bar?”

Did you get a load of that weird fucking duck that flew into the battle field?

Anyhow, I digress.

As I grew older, I realized I needed to drop any and all pretense of what I thought my ideal mate should be. We may never find our perfect mates. A real Perfect Mate is going to be that person that understands you, not someone you feel you have to change or should have to change for you. That person may lack certain attributes that you always thought you would have found in your spouse. You need to drop ideology. that person is going to have flaws. They’re not going to change those when you’re ready for them to, they are going to change them in their own time. That person is going to be someone you can grow together with. Sometimes you may have to exhibit patience far beyond what you thought you were capable of. Somehow I have to believe that it would be worth it.

The John Hughes movies of the eighties misled most of us. Gave us is false ideas of what our romantic story should be. Hell most of the things that the underdog did in the movie to get that girl that was way out of his League, is pretty much considered stalking nowadays. If you considered deploying any of the methods they used in his movies, then be prepared to be served arrest warrants, restraining orders, and the like. Hell if you did that stuff to my daughter, I’d fire buck shot into your ass.

Well as we can all agree, life is a series of misconceptions. I call a re-do… I’ve been lied to all my life. Someone tell me the tooth fairy is real….please? I was a Jehovahs Witness, I know about the rest of the fairytales, unless Santa Claus IS actually real…. because I came to believe the redemption of Christ is real, if I have to accept the love and power of Santa Claus, that will take ANOTHER drug addiction, my poor body cannot handle that.

JESUS, I BELIEVE IN YOU, SWEET BABY DINOSAURS, AND ALIEN ABDUCTIONS… DON’T FORCE SATO CLAUS ON ME TOO!!!!

Our bodies and minds are self healing. If i quit smoking now i would have the lungs

of a 78 year old….. not bad……!

So let’s recap my self absorbed paradigm.

1. An ex is easily forgotten, so long as you’re able to convince yourself your life is better than theirs. (My life is SOOOO much better than hers. On sooo many levels).

2. I have no idea where I sit as far as the so-called “Made Up 3” is involved. (That is Sato Claus, Easter Bunny, tooth fairy)

Cuz fuck you, I love Jesus

3. Ex’s are easy to get over as long as you think you have it better than them…. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH!!!

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