OF MYTHICAL CREATURES AND EX’S

Never. Never would I have ever thought. Never would I have imagined.

Imagining……… hearing “X” song without having romantic delusions of my ex-wife.

Not only did I experience this…. I felt sorry for her. Her idea of love is one that can only be realized for moments at a time.

My God how sickening is that thought….. she is far more pitiful than I had once imagined. Loving only for a season. We all have expectations of what our partners, soul mates, or as I prefer, “My Person” would be like. The one I had imagined in my youth was a tall, subservient, witty, fun-loving, “legs for days”, neighborhood organizer, mom to even the kids friends, understanding, kind-hearted, forgiving…..

Oh shit, I could go on. What I had in my mind was indeed far more rare than a unicorn. Unicorns are merely legends. This idea was beyond the wildest myth. My imagery, ideology, far beyond fantasy idea of what my perfect partner was going to, or should be, did not take into account any of my flaws.

My character defects, larger than any elephant in the room, more glaring than 100,000 candlepower led light bar bought off of Billybobs 4×4 Shine Runners Hub, and more destructive than a bomb-vested jihadist wearing a razorblade trench coat.

Let’s just say I could disrupt a cataclysmic event. I am certain end of days will happen after I die. I could walk into an epic Heaven v. Hell battle between Satans army of demons and Gods army of warrior angels…. both sides would simply stop. Satan would remark “Holy shit, did you feel the energy of that battle field take a fucked up turn? I think I am gonna go lay down and reconsider my life goals”.

(Who’s my little creampuff?)

Angel’s would lay down their weapons, walk away arm in arm with each other, comforting demons with phrases like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you Jehovah’s Witnesses weren’t all bad.” Or “You know, that Judas guy wasn’t such a bad dude, hell did you hear what I did for a Klondike bar?”

Did you get a load of that weird fucking duck that flew into the battle field?

Anyhow, I digress.

As I grew older, I realized I needed to drop any and all pretense of what I thought my ideal mate should be. We may never find our perfect mates. A real Perfect Mate is going to be that person that understands you, not someone you feel you have to change or should have to change for you. That person may lack certain attributes that you always thought you would have found in your spouse. You need to drop ideology. that person is going to have flaws. They’re not going to change those when you’re ready for them to, they are going to change them in their own time. That person is going to be someone you can grow together with. Sometimes you may have to exhibit patience far beyond what you thought you were capable of. Somehow I have to believe that it would be worth it.

The John Hughes movies of the eighties misled most of us. Gave us is false ideas of what our romantic story should be. Hell most of the things that the underdog did in the movie to get that girl that was way out of his League, is pretty much considered stalking nowadays. If you considered deploying any of the methods they used in his movies, then be prepared to be served arrest warrants, restraining orders, and the like. Hell if you did that stuff to my daughter, I’d fire buck shot into your ass.

Well as we can all agree, life is a series of misconceptions. I call a re-do… I’ve been lied to all my life. Someone tell me the tooth fairy is real….please? I was a Jehovahs Witness, I know about the rest of the fairytales, unless Santa Claus IS actually real…. because I came to believe the redemption of Christ is real, if I have to accept the love and power of Santa Claus, that will take ANOTHER drug addiction, my poor body cannot handle that.

JESUS, I BELIEVE IN YOU, SWEET BABY DINOSAURS, AND ALIEN ABDUCTIONS… DON’T FORCE SATO CLAUS ON ME TOO!!!!

Our bodies and minds are self healing. If i quit smoking now i would have the lungs

of a 78 year old….. not bad……!

So let’s recap my self absorbed paradigm.

1. An ex is easily forgotten, so long as you’re able to convince yourself your life is better than theirs. (My life is SOOOO much better than hers. On sooo many levels).

2. I have no idea where I sit as far as the so-called “Made Up 3” is involved. (That is Sato Claus, Easter Bunny, tooth fairy)

Cuz fuck you, I love Jesus

3. Ex’s are easy to get over as long as you think you have it better than them…. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH!!!

The Fox and the Duck (the dumbest blog EVA)

Too fucking dumb to see their differences, a young duck befriends a witty fox in the mountianside. This odd couple scampered off on wonderful adventures. Oh the days of frolicking and basking in the sun. The duck would fly off intermittently and return. Each time he returned the witty Fox was more and more skittish of the duck. The fox would accuse the duck of trying to somehow deceive it or pull the proverbial wool over its eyes.

The duck had grown quite fond of this fox. And when she would spew her accusations at him, initially it would hurt. But in true duck fashion he would let it roll off his back. Wanting to regain the trust of the fox the duck offered the fox to join him in his adventures. The untrusting fox would merely say, “I couldn’t possibly. My den would be out of order. I cannot possibly leave this place that keeps me lonely.”

The duck begin to use grand gestures to regain the trust of the fox. The duck would help the fox with it’s den. Building things, improving things, the silly duck was bending over backwards for the fox. Anything that the Fox would mention she would like to see done, he was on it.

“Come fly south with me” the duck often asked the fox, “see my life I live away from you.”

“But matters here can’t be handled without my cunning ways.” the fox always replied.

The duck always knew what her answer would be. Each time the duck was about to leave, the fox would begin to change the look in its eyes, as its true nature would begin to surface without her realizing. Her animalistic instincts would surface. She would snarl and bite at the duck, confused and saddened the duck would leave and not look back…

After time, the fox would get word to the duck. Sweet words, kind words, words of regret and remorse. Made to sound sweeter through the delivery of the other woodland creatures, the duck couldn’t resist. He loved the fox after all, and wanted nothing more than to spend his days in the company of this beautiful fox.

Once again, the duck returned to the foxes den. The fox seemed pleased at his return. They spent the day in the familiar ways as they had before. They wore each other out completely, and eventually fell asleep together curled up in a familiar manner. But the duck remained apprehensive, the look in the foxes eyes never returned to the look he used to love. They were more wild, untrusting, almost the same look the duck saw in the wolf that almost killed him years earlier.

They walked down to the spring for a drink. The foxes eyes darkened, the more she drank from the spring. Maybe it was seeing the duck drinking from the same spring… but the fox started to croutch lower as it spoke, “We were never meant to be friends,” she snarled at the duck, “everything you do is a lie. You walk around like it is not in my nature to devour you.” The fox said as it barred its fangs.

“Your right, Fox,” said the duck, “but I know no other way to act around you. I know you love me and would never want to hurt me… I literally know no other way.”

As the duck lowered his head to take another drink from the spring, the fox, unable to control itself further, lunged forward at the unsuspecting duck with its mouth wide open, planting her teeth into the naive ducks neck, pinning the duck to the ground. She tasted the ducks blood as it ran from the corners of her mouth and she felt her primal instincts take over….. she shook the duck violently by his neck. For one moment…. she flashed back to how it used to be between them and released the grasp on the wounded ducks neck and watched his limp body flying towards the spring, then slowly float lifeless down the spring.. far out of her site.

The duck didn’t die, he pulled himself out of the spring and sought help from the other ducks. Flesh wounds were not nearly as severe as the ones to his heart. But the other ducks helped him….

One thing for sure.

THAT DUCK WILL NEVER TRY TO FUCK ANOTHER FOX AGAIN

Stupid fucking duck!

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