I have not written in a while. I was uninspired. I was sad. As a matter of fact, I had dug myself into a pit of udder fucking misery, deeper than even I had realized.
Now, please understand, I have not been suicidal. I don’t even know if I would have the courage to take my own life. But I wished, very much, that some force beyond my control would have stepped in and punched my card for me. I was even selfish, horrifically uncaring, shamefully thoughtless in my desire to be taken out… I didn’t give a fuck if others had to be killed with me for it to happen, so long as it wasn’t my friends or family. I was disgusting. But sadly, that is what pain and depression does to a lot of us.
By the time I realized how deep I had my self down, I was neck deep in my own piss, shit and vomit. And I couldn’t even see the top of this hole. Not something I can dig out of. Initially, I always try to claw my way out. I do it until my fingers are raw and bloody….. and still I have gotten nowhere. My best progress comes when I build hand holds to lift myself out. I do that by creating “my next right steps”.
Now I could ask someone to throw rope down to help me out. *Gaaaag!*I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I mention asking for help. I rarely do. I fear the debt it would create, the weakness it would show, and “What would people think of me!?”
Y’all need Jesus, and Mr. Rogers
Fred Rogers embodies what most people need in their lives, in a human form. Kind, caring, accepting, understanding and unashamed about it. He actually cares. I need that in my life.
The deep and meaningful is far better than the simple and shallow.
When we talk about our feelings they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.
Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us, as a matter of course, uttered just one kind word to another person.
Sometimes slow is better in understanding, and learning to be patient, in going deeper spiritually.
Often when you think you are at the end of something you’re at the beginning of something else.
All brilliant, simple, prophetically deep, and meaningful quotes of Mister Fred Rogers.
That and the unforgettable:
I like you, just the way you are.
I always assumed that was utter bullshit. He was actually very true to that. But I have a hard time believing that anybody could like me “just the way I am”.
I am flawed. I’m full of angst. I am selfish. I am also confused. Disenfranchised. I make myself my own Island. I compartmentalize. I keep parts myself far from the public eye.
I am also caring, I’m also loyal. I always wish to leave situations better than they were when I enter them. I find enjoyment in giving without expectations. Whether it’s my time or my labor. Financially when I can. I find a light in just giving a kind word to a passing stranger. The smile on their face brightens my day.
My heart tells me that inherently I am a good person. My head won’t have me believe that. But these truths I find self-evident.
1. I feel
2. I hurt
3. I bleed
4. I am a human, being, in each moment, as flawed as I was created, the best me I know how to be.
I’m told Jesus loves me, maybe Fred Rogers actually liked me… just how I am.
Thank God for good friends, live music and libations!