Dream a little dream

Rarely has a woman said, “He is so perceptive”.

Our radar as men is so off, and in every direction.

As a matter of fact we’re god-damned ignorant. I’m not even sure at what point I chose to ignore the obvious. It is entirely the fault of John Hughes and John Cusack. The romantic gets the girl..

I can’t even blame them, this, this lays solely on me. The Never Say Die, persistence will pay off attitude, it’s not always realistic. Especially after fucking up to the degree I had. There is no coming back.

Maybe if I…..

NO DAN!!!! Put the boom-box down and slowly walk back to your vehicle!

This one cut deep. I’ve been searching for the words, but there are none. I knew all the while what I was facing, I thought I could win her heart back. If she could only see my heart. If she knew what she meant to me…. all lies we tell ourselves. You cannot change the way a person feels about you. You can’t. There is something about honesty while being naked sitting together in the bottom of the shower…. weird how the truth comes out.

Bless her heart (I don’t mean this in a southern way either), she tried. She allowed me to put my time in, she thought, maybe hoped, that she would feel the same about me once again. She was honest with me all along… but we haven’t talked about it for a few months, though. We drifted further apart. I regret nothing, I had put my all into it and was honest to a fault…… and truth be told, my own affections over the past several weeks have been waning.

We have said many good-byes. This one was definitely different. This one was more permanent. This one’s done. I know we will always be in and out of one another’s lives, but on a different level. Just not as lovers. And if I ever consider opening that door again, somebody PLEASE, hit me with an aluminum baseball bat.

And through all of this, it’s giving me hope. I will not choose to throw myself into a bunch of different beds to cover the pain. I will process it, I will experience it, and I will grieve it. The good thing about pain is is creates growth. I’ve definitely grown over the past year. I no longer seek to live my life alone. However I will not settle. I’m going to be more selective and perhaps a bit more guarded. I know what I bring to the table, and I know my worth. I deserve nothing less than what I put in. So no, no settling for this guy.

She is a good woman, there are none others like her. And that doesn’t mean there isn’t something better out there for me. She is one of a kind and will forever be a part of my story. And Tennessee whiskey will never sound the same…. for now it will be a bittersweet song to hear. Hipster Cocktail Party is off my Pandora, shame too, it’s a great station.

Life is a rollercoaster, an amazing ride. The ups, the downs, the thrills, and the twists and turns…. all makes it a great ride.

My heart indeed is broken. But I’m not going to wallow in that sorrow. I’ll take a deep breath here and there and look up to the sky, allow myself to feel in a moment, but be careful not to dwell in it.

Take care, Boo. (Ps. I hate that nickname)

I’d be remiss to not sign at the end of this.

I am still:

Dan, 48, still Destination Unknown

Just an update:

03/31/18. I never gawddamn learn.. but the callous skin eases the pain.

Can I get a big fuck you!?!?

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