Self-preservation is an instinctual thing. Especially to those of us who have been hurt the most. We finally make the decision that we’re not going to let that happen again. So we deploy every protection method available to ourselves. We even create protection devices. Our own weaponry. Something that automatically fires when we don’t even realize it is happening.
As children, we experience hurt often. I remember a dream I used to have often as a child. I was in a meadow. A clearing in the forest. It was warm there. Surrounded by trees on all sides and beautiful blades of tall grass that were gently swaying back and forth in the summers breeze. It was comfortable and peaceful in the center. Trees that surrounded me represented the unknown. After a time, I wanted to wander towards the forest. Every time I would make my way to the edge of the meadow, a large hideous Beast would swiftly go to the area I was walking towards. I couldn’t see anything but I felt its presence. I would make my way to the other side of the clearing. And the Beast again swooped in. I was trapped in this Meadow. I couldn’t leave. The fear of something I couldn’t actually see, kept me from leaving my comfort area. In my dreams I never left that clearing. And the beauty of the meadow became dreary and cold. I would never know if in fact that hideous Beast I had imagined wasn’t something else stuck in the dark, seeking comfort from something in the light. Fear kept me from seeing that. The fear that the beast intended to hurt me, kept me to the confines of that meadow.
In my adult life, I have only opened myself to others a handful of times. I have built my castle. Surrounded it with a moat. Loaded it with alligators so that only the people I want in can come in. Ironically the only way in is the drawbridge that I can drop. This drawbridge is full of landmines, spikes, darts and many, many obstacles, that they unknowingly encounter. This is not something I do with intent.
Enter pre-determine self-sabotage.
I am a gregarious person, I really enjoy the company of people. The more the merrier. I actually prefer groups to one on one interaction. One on one is for select few people. I used to be a very trusting person, assumed the best of everyone. Over time, some have shown me their true colors, that and the accumulation of skeletons in my closet, leads me to be distrusting of others.
Well let’s not look in there okay?
While I am fully aware that my feelings towards others is a reflection of how I see myself, I know that I am actually a very trustworthy person. I’m not a gossip. I don’t share other people’s business with anyone else. when I choose to love somebody I am faithful, loyal, determined and fierce. There is nothing I won’t do for the other person. Still, there is something I don’t trust within myself.
One of the experiences that had the most impact on my opinion of people was involving my second ex-wife. At a point in our relationship she felt unhappy and uncared-for, she chose to have a textual emotional affair with out feeling one bit bad. She was completely unapologetic. And even admitted it. What’s worse is it was with an ex-boyfriend that she would regularly flaunt in front of me when she felt I was not giving her the right amount of attention..
She would actually lay in bed next to me texting this guy until 3 or 4 in the morning at times. I’m pretty sure that is the point where I completely checked out of the relationship. I made half-hearted attempts after that, but I never really trusted her again. Then there were rumors. And while we were married, her own mother wanted her date several other people. The ferrier, other trainers, to say the least I wasted my love on a fucked situation. Compile that with the fact that her work took her out of town for weeks at a time. And I would go 5 or 6 days without hearing from her, not so much a text or call. “Too busy”, she always told me. If i called or text her it was only met with a stern chastened tone. Given the information that I had. It was quite a mind-fuck. To this day she still maintains she never cheated on me.
That is, if you don’t count the hot tub kiss she had while out of town, but she was just “testing” him.
Whether that is true or not, I’m not quite sure. But in my head she probably did. The core of the sin lays in the heart, or the intent. The deed is merely follow through.
Love they say is truly blind, so my blinders were removed September of 2013. That’s the final time we filed for divorce and I stuck to it.
So now the challenge for me moving forward in my life. Is learning to trust again. That is a difficult thing to do. On any level. I know for sure I will not get suckered like that ever again.
This sucker was born May 31st 1969.