Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore..

I met her in a hotel parking lot, not very romantic I know. But when you travel, and live life in a Hilton property (destination unknown), it is as close to inviting someone to your house as it gets.

 WE had linked up days earlier… one of those meet up and no-holds-barred dating sites… we maintain it was farmers only….. dot com. But for the purpose of this story, TINDER (meet and fuck if you can’t run away with a good excuse… ie. My car got hit by lightning). She had her out people.. exhibit A. States defense… I rest my case.

She was charming to say the least. And her profile contained pictures of her fishing on the beach, mountian landscapes, and one of her in a t-shirt with the phrase “Biscuits and Porn”. Well sign me the fuck up!!

 I was quite hesitant to meet, initially. Our banter via text and the dating website was amazing, hysterical, and addictive. I found myself checking my phone often to see if maybe she dropped a line. I definitely was not in search of a relationship. I was set on living my jet-set, playboy, man-whore lifestyle. So this caught me off guard.
  

We had finally decided to meet. She was coming to me. Smart choice because she could run. As she well should have…. I was veritable shitshow at that point. Still aching from my divorce, licking my wounds, extremely hurt, and still in love. 

She texts me to inform me she has pulled into the parking lot. So I light another smoke and try to compose myself. Now mind you, 20 minutes earlier, I was trying to pet a possum thinking it was a cat.. 

I have since got glasses.

 I mentioned before that she had an out, her car had been hit by lightning. It was a sign. She drove down in a white Toyota Camry. It was a rental. She was wearing a badass pleather jacket. We were both nervous, so we stood outside of the hotel, smoking, giggling a little bit, and sharing in nervous laughter. It was raining outside. And it was kind of cold. But every time I looked into her pools of blue, I was enchanted, and forgot all about the cold.

After 15 minutes I couldn’t take anymore, I placed my right hand on her left cheek and said, “I need to see something”. 

I kissed her…. 

Wow..

Fuck!

That kiss was something, I definately felt a connection. Instead of putting me at ease, which I thought it would, I became twice as nervous. My hands trembled and I had a hard time catching my breath. On the exterior, I am sure I radiated pure confidence, charm, charisma and nerves of steel. I am usually exemplorary in the well taylored art of keeping emotions caged.

We laughed alot that night, we sat on the floor eating pizza we had ordered out………. Amongst other things. It was definitely not my usual date. 

(This actually comes later.)

She kept me engaged, far beyond the sex. I fell asleep that night with her laying beside me. I was content, happy, and at peace with my inner demons for the first time in a long time. When I woke the next morning she was gone. What usually would have had me relieved, had me somewhat disappointed. Usually I shrug it off, that saves me the awkward goodbye and walking her out to her car. 
I waited a good 15-20 minutes before I would send her a casual text. I AM fucking cool like that. 

Thankfully she did not leave, planning ahead, she got a room in the same hotel. We went out for lunch. Our next date we went fishing. After that we went to a bird preserve. Then we went kayaking. Every date seemed easier than the other. I wanted to learn everything about her. She was a great distraction from the pain I was still feeling from my divorce.

I felt very at ease with this gorgeous, intelligent woman. She was a smart ass like me. We could walk into a room full of stranger’s and walk out with a room full of friends. We were so much alike in so many ways. Intimacy was very easy, that is until July 4th. 

In the throws of passion during an “afternoon delight”, she had said something I’d mistaken as I love you. Not even sure to this day what she said, but it was spoke softly, and sweet, whispered right into my ear.
“I love you too” 😲😲😲😱😱

 (nooooooooooooooo!!)

I couldn’t believe I was hearing the words coming out of my mouth. You dumbass!  And of course I immediately lost my erection. Something that would not return for the rest of the evening, even though she tried.

Did I feel that way? Yes. Absolutely yes. But way too soon for both of us. Needless to say the afternoon’s  hibbity bibbity came to an abrupt halt. We talked about it for a little bit. I frightened her, I absolutely terrified myself. We agreed to drop it for the time being….

Our next few outings together we tried to brush that incident aside. Speaking of it very little. And things went kind of back to normal. As normal as things can be when two people are around each other and pretend there’s not a huge giant fucking Elephant in the middle of the room.

Our next date was Disney World. Florida with my daughter and her friend for my daughters birthday…… and my new friend. An opportunity for her to have a glympse into my life. It was alot of fun, except next time I am picking the park that serves booze!! 

(I am so much more entertaining with a few drinks)

I found myself enjoying doing things with this woman. I could also see myself getting use to sharing my life with her… shortly after that I started to do things to push her away. SHE SCARES ME!!

See ya!!!!!

There has been alot of ups and downs in the last year and a half, mostly me, being a complete prick (largely out of fear of commitment,  or rather fear of hurt). I still find myself recoiling now and then. I can’t help it completely. 

There is so much to add here, as a matter of fact, the amount of details I have spared is alarming. To be truthful, I have been working on this little blog for a few months.

Writers block?

Nah! Well, maybe a little. I think subconsciously, I don’t want this story to end.

Fuck me! I am in unfamiliar territory, a stranger in a strange land. A land that on good days, the colors are even more brilliant and landscapes are breathtaking. Nearly surreal. 

Bad days, well, everything is in just slightly varying shades of grey, no real contrast, no real color, and everything runs together.

Surprising how just a few heart-felt sweet words from her can change the grey almost instantaneously.  And THAT scares the absolute fuck out of me!

I need a brain, I need a heart, and I need a little courage. 

Where the fuck is Dorothy and them fucking red slippers!?!?! Get to clicking bitch, I wanna go home.

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