And I’m good…mostly

I’m muddling my way through life.. more accurate I am trying to find my place. Three years on the road has been an adventure. But there comes a time when it starts becoming invasive in your personal life. Meaning you really can’t have one. Not that I want to stop traveling for work entirely. But I need to create a more established-set-type schedule.

God works in mysterious ways. We are taught to believe that. Perhaps to explain death or the bad things that happen in life. But that is not entirely true. He has very intentional signals. I was lost… He sent me on the road to find myself. Listen, and you can hear His voice. I say Him, because that’s what I grew up hearing. God is beyond gender, beyond human emotion. God is everything. The flowers and landscapes I photograph, the heartbreak I write about, the young man that died trying to bring a family in need a little extra money. God is great… God is sorrow.

God IS brokeness. Breath, and think about that one. How else can we, or I, be brought to hear that whisper in the forest, that nudging of your soul. That final voice that says “LEAP MUTHERFUCKER!!!”

I don’t believe HE is insulted by cuss words. I don’t think God judges us by random vowels and constinants. I believe God does not want us to curse him or others… its in the heart.

Most of all, God is good. 

Me? I am corrupt, I am broken, I am lost. I was born with a lustful heart. A greedy soul. I am…. mortal. I am here to snatch up everything, or experience I can. 

Or am I? Can I not give as I learn. Contribute Me? Understand that I am worthy … worthy to give? There is something this broken soul has to offer others?

Oooooooo…. I broke my own bubble. I choose to pursue.. I am worthy. I have so much to offer. Really I do….but fuck… we are all broke. If you show too much confidence.. you’re a narcissist.  To little, low self esteem. If you know all the answers, you are a liberal snowflake, and you are gonna cry when your protests get hit with yelling officers telling you you cannot break the Starbucks window. Just cry rape, after all.. that meanie cop is probably a prostate owner, and he probably wants to invade your feminine jewel with his male nastiness… or something to that effect. 

Feminism wins again. What happened to boy meets girl. He holds her hand, wins her heart and doesn’t rape or cheat on her.

I digress. 

People, above all.. God is love..and God inhabits us all.. We all have experience to share.  My sin?!?! Gawd it is simple. I love people. To… A ….FAULT

Hurt me… cheat on me…. reject me. Anything else, I assume there is something wrong with you. Love me?!?!? I’m gone.

That is my curse

Final steps

When it’s your time, it’s your time. I just spent two days in and out of a sorrow filled and somber hospital setting. One of my closest dearest friends is losing her husband to cancer that started in the kidney and has consumed his body. They found out too late.

As stated before I like to bitch. I have absolutely no reason to at this point. My life is fairly simple and good. I complain about random things. I whine.

I bitch about liberals, I bitch about millennials. I bitch about being single. I bitch about dating.
Never have I had to complain about finding out my spouse has cheated on me. I’ve never had to complain about getting the utter hell beat out of me in New York City and being left in an alleyway for dead. I’ve not lost a parent a sibling or a partner. I’ve not had to explain to three children that their parent is going to likely die within weeks.

Andrea has had to do all of this. God bless this woman. She is a woman of fierce heart and determination by nature. She is crazy by all standards. She also loves like crazy. She is loyal in every meaning of the word. Don’t ever cross her. When her lower jaw gets set, watch out. She is about to fuck some things up. LOL! All I know is that she is a bitchen human being.

Our past is a little sketchy and dark to say the least. We’ve gone through similar experiences. We’ve done similar bad things. We slung drugs, and darkened the doorways of some pretty bad places. We both seen the glory of God and humbled ourselves before Him. As far apart as we have been, we have had parallel existences. Quite ironic from where we both came to where we are now. There was never any romantic connection. At one point we had confused our relationship and thought maybe there was. One kiss proved that wrong. Don’t ever try giving your sister a French kiss, it is weird as hell.

(Ewwwww)

Turns out we simply missed each other.

I remember one time sitting in the parking lot of our little Baptist Church with my now ex-wife and my three children. About to drop them off for their weekly Awana’s Club. And then all the sudden, right there in my headlights that were reflecting on the brick building, walks a scantily clad stripper skank.

That was my ex-wife’s description. My jaw nearly dropped as I locked eyes with Andi as she passed my truck that she recognized. To be specific it was a 1995 slate gray Ford Ranger, quad cab, with matching gray topper on the back. Watching her about burst into laughter as we locked eyes was priceless. My face remained stone rigid. It should be obvious at this point that my exwife never knew her.

I can tell stories on me and Andi all day long. Some pretty epic ones. We had a lot of fun, we’ve had a lot of laughs. We both had some pretty near-misses with our lives. God did not bring us into each other’s lives on accident.

Now I sit here watching her go through what cannot even imagine. Find her husband is dying, no medical or life insurance (In his State, he let it slip without realizing), contracting business in absolute shambles (again, he let it slip while he was sick), and three gorgeous kids about to be without their daddy. I got to meet Mikey, beautiful young lady, whose heart and soul beams out at you through her eyes. She melted my heart. She IS her mother’s daughter. Andi is pretty fucked with this handful. But God bless her, she also has Andi’s heart and clear sense of reality.

(This kid is a rockstar)

David accepted his fate yesterday after seeing the oncologist, finally. The answers that no-one wants.

Terminal, untreatable. Fin’.

The only thing he asked of Andi was a pass. A pass to slip away. He is tired and in pain. I think his query had a little more to it than just that. I think as well he was asking for a pass for his transgressions, past indiscretions….. forgiveness at the very least. I saw the love in his eyes. He is far from a perfect human being. But he loves her, and I also sensed his regret.

A tearful Andi met me in the smoking area, asking me how long she has to keep being strong.

Baby, be weak. Be weak as hell, breakdown, cry, scream, yell, stomp your gawddamn feet. This is not the time to be strong. Time to love your family, hug, ask for help, ask for alone time. Save your strength for when it is time to pick up the pieces and carry on. Loss is hell, in any circumstance. LEAN ON EVERYONE YOU CAN. You don’t always have to be the “Bad Ass Bitch” we know you are.

(Bottle of wine under a desk seems oddly comforting)

No one knows the amount of sand in our hour glasses…. don’t take any grain for granted. Love… above all else, just love.

And always remember this dear sister, we are all His children…

Love you Miss Thang!

It’s never what you think it was

Slap my ass and call me Mary, or Mandy,  or Susan.

Who has been out there wandering aimlessly, on the streets, in life, or in your head?

  • FUCK YOU!  Do not interrupt me! I’ve wandered…. All…. Of…. My…. Life. Here I am. Blind luck, stupidity, or a karmic preemptive strike.

So let me tell you some shit. You believe your soul is crushed.. you’re eternally damaged…. filthy rags…not worthy.

I… I am alone, unworthy.. I am exceptionally damaged. Unlike anyone else…

I     WILL     NEVER     LOVE    AGAIN.
Don’t be a bitch.
You let beautiful people walk away.. They are putty in your hands. .. but one person captivates your soul….. and mutherfuck!! She aint your type… dafuq!?!?!

And when I say ain’t my type.. I mean she does not bore me, get extremely irritating,  sift through my Facebook and add random friends of mine, acting like long lost friends.

(
She doesn’t invite herself … any where with me. Bitch should! Hell, I got miles and a companion pass.. travel seems fun to everybody else…. but the really busy people. To them, it is a luxury and even more so an inconvenience.

She challenges me… fuck does she challenge me.. to the point of WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Does she ever rock blue.

(Not her…but you get the idea)

Red white and blue, land of the free …home of the brave……Murica!!!

I could not have been set up, not even a little bit… not more perfectly, than this. It is in moments that we truly live our lives. Minuscule, tiny, moments. I was set up for failure. Destined to be a failure. Yet unwittingly,  I passed. Only in certain measures… but ‘fuckin a’… I passed. In spades.. flyin colors. Not-even-a-second… thought. Well maybe a dozen or so. But….  I PASSED!!!!

My type?… enter the brunette, brown skinned, brown eyed doe….she is young.. Canadian, and sexy as fuck. She approached me… she read only the entry of the story I was writing (see above) and over my shoulder. Im alone in a town full of wayward travelers. VERY…. alone. She won’t be back… So easy…

I engage her in writing. I tell her to continue. And to not discard her writings. She literally just thrown away a half a book of poetry she wrote regarding her ex-boyfriend. She is all about me at this point. Again so easy. We all share a drink and I send them on their way. Pretty simple.

This single, solitary, test I passed. I fail many others.

Not everyone is meant to be together. No matter how right it feels, how great it seems, how strongly you desire that other person. It is a simple fact of life. Not the ending I saw coming in this story…. a fitting one. A sad one.

As I sit here struggling how to finish this out, it really hit me. Not every story ends as we see it should. Such is life. We can yearn for that special ending, we can try as hard as we want to make things happen. Some things are just not in the cards. But never let it break your spirit, or your will. Never give up hope. Never say surrender. Be sad for a moment. Move on. Remember all of it, the good, the bad. It’s all part of the ride.

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