WOEFUL… UM.. WILFUL SEARCH?

And tomorrow morning I get to pack up my things and hop on another plane. Off to a place that I once loved. A very short time ago, a place where I wanted to be, where I thought I belonged, that I felt drawn to.. that I loved.
I loved.
It’s odd how things get cloudy or get convoluted.. get smeared buy my own messed up thoughts, actions, and behaviors.
Choices and deliberate actions seem to draw lines that were once very clear. That are now smudged, faded, and nearly erased. Do these changes become permanent? Or do we someday ever find ourselves and back to where we once were.
The only thing that hasn’t changed is my muse. I still have this ideology of this one person that I love. The one person that can be my safe place, my Safe Haven, my savior. My stunted feable mind can’t seem to move past it. Even though it may have been the worst thing for me, ever. It’s an ideology, something I reach for a constantly. Love to have that candy bar on the very very top shelf.. constantly Out Of Reach
Fuck! Is this some sort of sadomasochistic mind fuck that I just continue to use to torture myself? I have this belief that any woman I ever find myself attracted to is too good for me. That I am somehow undeserving, that my constant bad choices will no doubt be my undoing in any relationship.
So I constantly lower the bar. The bar with which I measure women, the bar of my own moral guidelines, my compass spins constantly. I lack a true north. And because of that, I constantly settle. I settle for substandard, I settle for less than regarding my own choices.
I wish I felt deserving. Maybe that’s why I hate this new generation the Liberal Party the people that feel like they deserve everything. The snowflakes.., a group of entitled whining Bratz. God I just wish my phone knew how to spell. I could dictate everything into this stupid son of a b****.

Hit a block I’m off to bed… unresolved, unrequited, unimpressed. As I generally am by my own thoughts, by my own actions, by myself.

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