Oh woe is misfit me… please! (OR CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER)

I whine. I bitch. I moan.
This is of my own making. How I chose to behave. The friends I decide to keep. The things I put myself through. How I present myself to others. Self realization is a bitch. So is self actualization. So is affirmative action. For that matter, so is life.
Depression is a mutha fucking beast! Pulling oneself out from beneath it… well, you take someone who barely has a will to exsist, give them a great desire to simply cease to exsist. Now you go shame them incessantly about their low drive, less than chipper moods, poor decisionmaking, inability to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, obvious weak will, and their awful behavior (and dont forget to constantly poke fun at their recent wieght loss/gain). Also talk about their avoidance, as if it is directed towards you. More shame should shake them out of it.

Now get ready for the fun folks, this is a real multilayer cake, each one so much heavier than before. See all that negative garbage above you just reinforced for them? No, I didn’t misspeak there. Thats right kids I said, “R-E-I-N-F-O-R-C-E-D!” Because they already tell themselves these things with every passing thought, every shallow breath, 24/7.

MORNING….

NOON……

AND NIGHT.

…….In even way more imaginative, dark, morose and morbid ways.

They already experience the shame internally with the constant self doubt, inner resentments, and what have you. So this drives them right into feeling guilt. Feeling like they are this horrble person, with good intentions, just lacking the intestinal fortitude to make the good intentions come to fruition, obviously making us bad people.

******EXTRA MINDFUCK ALERT!*******

BOOM BITCHES

We all know, what happens to baaad people, dont we…..????? Bad things.. karmic strikes. Depression creates these overwhelming fears, these 5000 pound hippos sitting squarely on your shoulders. Making it at times so overwhelming, that its hard to breath…

“I know it, I am going to lose my job! They are planning my termination now”

“OMG! NO JOB, HOW WILL I PAY MY BILLS?”

Im going to lose my car, my girlfriend/wife, my house. Great, I’ll be the failure of the family, they will all talk behind my back while politely smiling and assuring me, “It going to get better, you’ll see!”

I need to stop writing for a moment. I am literally about to puke.

So true in my life.

So a day later, I am back to it. Writing again. Day 6 of no money and pawning your shit to eat peanutbutter and jelly, coco crispies and (1) totinos $1.25 pizza allowed per day. To put just enough gas to get to work and back. And guess what, I’m running outta shit to sell. I would like to take a moment to thank the psychotic c… (I am not going to use that word), witch that I allowed to shove it up my ass, break it off in me, and put me in this position. I really do allow myself to be vulnerable to the wrong people. Next time a girl informs me, I am a “little crazy”, and “I may be too much for you to handle”, I am not going to mark those words as cute, grandios flirtation. I will assume that, again, this means full on schizophrenia with multiple personality disorder, and run like Satan is chasing me. And NEVER, EVER LOOKING BACK.

Satan is the dog that chased Phoebe

But you make it through. And that is the hardest part. You make it through another day, another trial, another miserable, lucid, tranquil, beautiful and delicious nightmare. One that only seems to lead you to the next. What carries us through the day? The hope for a better tomorrow? The idea that it can’t rain all the the time? I don’t know. I just muddle through… then wonder what tomorrow holds… with giddy anticipation.

I need to work on being grateful. I mean,  I could be married to a cheating whore of a wife. One who works at the same establishment as I. One who is fucking a man who more or less is my boss, and blames me. Pardon me, I did not undress the two of you, and push him down on top of you. And subsequently, each time he tried to get up, push him back down, by his ass, with my foot. That was you, whore. This is happening to a friend of mine. And he has it rubbed in his face everyday. And yet he remains professional at work.

So yeah, I dont have a wife today, and for that I am very grateful.

One more thing, his wife is a FUCKING WHORE!

SING A HAPPY SONG

So… just when you think ya have it all figured out. I mean to say in 50 years of living and learning… here goes… MAXIMUM EFFORT!!.

AND GO!

What a fucking moron. I can’t even tie my gawddamn shoes with out making rabbit ears… and 5 times out of 10 that fails too. Perhaps faulty fingers? Perhaps vision is failing?!!? I could blame it on malfunctioning laces. The shoe manufacturer does not have the best record.

I think everyone reading this knows where this is going…. I am a bonafide, dyed-in-the-wool, fucking idiot. I have a bad brain. It’s totally fucked. Even the basics misfire. Somebody asks me which way to turn, I’ll point to the left and say “Make a right here”, or point to the right and say “Left here”. EVERYTIME…I SHIT YOU NOT! And what’s more, I KNOW I am doing it as it happens and I can’t stop it.

Self reflection only serves to drown myself in the wallows of self pity/loathing. Realization simply adds to that. Been there done that over and over and over and over …. Ad infinitum.

Why not revel in my own little brand of madness. Many have been witness to me getting a bit, well, “unzipped”. Rejoicing in my bipolar, maniacal collusions (we don’t always collaborate, but always get the jist of ourselves).

Embracing ones self doesn’t always require a straight-jacket (oh… but it does feel quite exquisite. Self love they say…).  letting go of our societal-driven ideology of normalcy is much better than measuring yourself by it.

Truer words never spoken

So to this point, my life is a well read shit-show. Bad, horrible, choices. Life skills not applied. A bad science project. One that has gone disturbingly, unmistakably wrong and left the kids in the classroom covered in “lava” from putting too much coke in the baking soda (yes my life as a grade school science project would be that passé).

FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE. I push everyone out. Those I keep around are at arms length. It seems that after last year after having been gone three weeks for what was supposed to be a two day business trip, I returned home to find I was relieved of everything I had owned. TVs, appliances, guns, a crystal decanter my grandmother owned, a banjo that had belonged to my grandfather, items from my children’s childhood, underwear, socks……everything. Gone. I was left with a few dress shirts, after all, scum bag thieves have no reason to look good. By the way… don’t lie or steal from me, your next appearance may be on the back of a milk carton… not that anyone would be looking for you.

I froze. I couldn’t leave my home (which by the way, had utilities shut off by the time I returned home). I’ve never felt that vulnerable or violated. This is in the middle of summer in Durant Oklahoma. I was miserable,  but petrified to leave. By day three, I had realized there was nothing left to be taken. I was locked into a prison of my own making. Still had some cash and a ton of points at the local casino, so I held up in a room alone for a week. It didn’t help… Dodging work, friends, and family. I was alone and didn’t feel any better. I was afraid of each knock at the door. Of what, I have no idea. Nothing I was doing made sense… 30 day vacation is what I needed.

REHAB!!!

So that’s what I did… 30 days of all the caring and sharing I could possibly handle…. then it all went downhill.  One year ago… and it’s gotten worse. Common denominator is me.

Bad brain=bad choices.

Repetitive mistakes seem less trivial once you realize the mental, emotional, and physical impact that stems from your own err in judgement. Case in point: I am one elusive, guarded fuck, that has difficulty breathing, formulating sentences when put on the spot, that loathes others and is out of his element everywhere he goes. I fall out of communication with anyone who is dear to me. I hate social situations. My own anxiety is damn near crippling at moments. And commitment to anything is the scariest thing possible. The thought of dying alone is, at times a pleasant one. At least I would have no one to pull down into my wreckage…
As I stare out over the Baja of California… I recall the day I got pulled under the tide while on my last vacation with my narcissistic exwife in Cancun. Dumb bitch assumed I went to the bar or the room when I was 5 feet from her moments before. I don’t know how far I was swept out, I do remember the fear, helplessness, and desperation I felt in that moment. Absolute panic as I rolled beneath the surf, running out of breath I wanted to live, and so, I remembered what a co-worker had told me years earlier.

If you ever get swept out, relax and swim horizontal to the shoreline.. float on your back to save energy.


She probably has no idea she saved my life that day. But what if that had been my last day? But for what? The wreckage of the last 7 years would have been wiped out. Had I actually had any measurable impact in anyone’s life since that day? I feel the world may have been better off. Sounds like self pity, but truly, over the last 7 years I have been an absolute tool.

So I sit here, along side a steamy pile of my accomplishments from over the last seven years. Wondering why I have allowed myself to create this overwhelming pile of vexation. Unpaid bills. Relational wreckage. And a slew of debtors clamoring for fiscal justice.

I force myself up every day and go through the motions. I get up, go to work, sometimes even make it on time (although that has been rare lately). I do only what I must do while I am there. I put on a good face. Even muster up a few good jokes (After all, nobody will pick up on the foul, musty stench of depression when you splash it with the dazzling perfume of laughter). I do like to make those around me laugh. But I swear to God, that is even harder work than actually doing my job.

Current status:

Adrift through this vast, lonely sea of oppression. Having sunk my vessel, clinging to a buoy to keep from sinking to the bottom.
For some reason, no matter how bad I want this voyage to simply end…I can’t force myself
           to just…
           let go…

It Is I, the De-railer (my supername).

FAIL

We all pretend, one time or another, to be something we are not. Children like to pretend they are adults. The empaths like to act as if they could give a fuck. The lazy try to portray that everything they do, is in fact, the most physically draining of activities. Likewise the insane, like to believe they are not in the least bit crazy. Gaunt people tend to puff up a bit more. Some morbidly obese people like to pretend in public they exist on merely salads and water. “IT’S GLANDULAR, MY DOCTORS ARE PUZZLED.”🙄😏👍

But not all people pretend. Some people are completely self aware and unashamed. 10% probably have no reason to be ashamed, the other 90% are likely narcissistic, and horrible people. As for them, I feel they should be bound and gagged… slowly lowered into a vat of hydrofluoric acid, toes first.. over the period of an hour. As they are slowly submerged into the liquid, razor sharp darts are blasted through their bodies at over 100 mph. These high speed darts run them through, leaving a tiny cluster of nerves exposed. Each dart would be followed by a sharp blast of lemon and salt. The soundtrack to their slow death, would be David Hasselhoff’s rendition of “I’m Hooked On A Feeling”.

FUCK YOU, HOFF!!!

Ironically, the ‘Hoff’ will be the first narcissistic tool put to this death (I somehow need to incorporate little people dressed as clowns into this). Their screams shall be harnessed to power a “Puppy Playground Paradise”.

THE “BOOD” ABIDES

Not sure what lead me down that route, wasn’t my intended course.

Moving on, I have always considered myself a reasonably sane person. Capable of rational thought, a good conversationalist, not necessarily paranoid or … you know… loco!

Self destructive at times? Perhaps I am a bit guilty.

Self indulgant? Well, I do have an appreciation for some of life’s finer things. I mean when considering Jack Daniel’s, or say Whistle Pig…. duh!!!

This ain’t cheap hooch

I have never really considered myself to be one of… well.. “fractured personalities”. Ok, there exists the running jokes about Gemini’s and all…. PLEASE….The thought that I could be that insane, is absolutely preposterous. Where are the voices? HMMM!?!? What about marked personality changes?!?! The personalities stemming from other decades.

Not EVEN an issue here.

I mean, sure, I talk to myself, who doesn’t?!?! At least I am not answering that crazy son of a~ wait… just one.. gawd… damn… minute. Somebody is trying to trick me into something here… I am way too… um, ‘all together’ to fall for that.

LET’S PEEL A FEW LAYERS

There is just one thing that plagues my inner-most private thoughts. It is only really, wellll, I guess you could say a ‘slight’ concern? I mean really, if we are all being honest with ourselves… there is that voice of consternation in the back of our heads. Well mine could be considered.. (AHEM!)

A little self doubt…

……….concern maybe?

………………….Trepidation?

I (I don’t know how I should phrase this) allegedly, as silly as this sounds, I seem to put landmines in my own path, unnnn..beknownst… to me???

Hahaha… That is rediculous, I know. But once I began taking responsibility for my short comings and failures… I was compelled to acknowledge my roles in the stupid shit that has taken place in my life. I, apparently unaware, lay out pitfalls, landmines, bombs in my path to fuck it all up.

Mutually assured self destruction is defined to me as:
When one, or more than one of me, are out to get me. Plotting ahead of me, for my own demise.

This would insinuate that I am secretly turning the screws against myself. That I am not alone in my head. Could I be schizophrenic?!?! LOONEY AS A FUCKING TOON?!?! AN ABSOLUTE MAD-MAN?!?!

All the sudden, Pink Floyd’s “Us and Them” is streaming in my head, complete with visions of me wandering down a lonely hallway, in a straight jacket, mumbling the question over, and fucking over in what sounds like 20 voices simultaneously….”Is there anybody out there??” This eventually becomes riddled with maddening screams coming from inside my own head.

Gawd Dan, can you be more melodramatic?

“Yes, I, can.”

Oh fuck! Answering myself now...

“Lithium, party of 10!?”

(Slips the maitre d a cool C note.)

“Hey pops! Make it a table for 12, a couple more us of popped in. Should be a gas, Dadd-io…”

Go Un-fuck Yourself

Driving home after a long, exhausting day, I stare at the hippie crystal pendant hanging from my rearview mirror, placed there to serve as a reminder to myself. To remind myself to be wise where I place my priorities… I really ought to look at it more often. I lose sight of the important things when I get busy.

“Take your pick bro.” Tyler said to me as he proudly displayed an armful of these necklaces he made for this event, “There is one there that was made just for you man, it’s special.”

I carefully sorted through the array of the bobbles he made. I dug his energy we became friends the moment we met. Good energy, good people.

“I like this one.” I said, as I pulled one out of the lot. “Ooooh! That’s a cool one! I love the crystal, look at how flawless it is. Yours indeed!” He said excitedly.

I need to hang with Tyler soon.

And the following four days were probably some of the most amazing I’ve had in god-knows-how-long. I decided to start living life in a less stress driven manner. More dialed in with the hippie culture. Peaceful. Altruistic. However, I am Dan. I am wise in the ways of how to “UN-UNFUCK YOURSELF”. There is at least a million and one ways, that I have personally tried and tested. When you’re down in life and need to be uplifted… try to un-fuck yourself. Not un-unfuck yourself… that is counterproductive.

THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR JOB. (This leads to un-unfucking. Method #987,769)

No better way to achieve a quick morale booster. Go 120%, stay late, come in early. Work hard, learn more about your job than you need to know. Seems legit, a exemplorary employee always does well at work. Don’t forget to forsake friends and family. Yup, this comes with sacrifice. But just think of the accolades you will receive from those you work with. Of course many of them will go behind your back and call you a “kiss up”, “suckass”, “brown-noser”, or my personal favorite, “MEAT MANAGER”. #WORTHIT

Surely this hard work and personal sacrifice will turn into financial gain. And dont fret, the increase in hours worked will also thrust you into a higher tax bracket. Uncle Sam must also be inversely rewarded for your hard work… wait? WTF!?!?

Meanwhile, unbenounced to yourself.. as you hit these targets, rise above these summits, your superiors use these monuments as stepping stones, creating a path to rise to their own success.

Oh yeah! Home cooking becomes a time luxury you no longer have. Off to dining out regularly, leading to less healthy choices in food – I can feel my arteries hardening already. Speaking of higher cholesterol, that reminds me about the added stress of extra hours. No time for R&R. To dampen the stress, you’ll take up drinking and smoking more. You are definitely going to get less sleep than is recommended. I have experienced the pains of a tightening chest several times this year, paired well with numbing of limbs, and the sweats. Fortunately, I have aspirin on hand. ‘Pop em like PEZ’ I always say. I’ve been meaning to speak to a doctor about this, but you know, I’ve just been way too busy to make an appointment. I am sure it’s fine, my internal organs will forgive me later while I work them far beyond their means. Worse comes to worse, there are auto-defibulators all over the jobsite. I’ll be fine.

INITIATE A NEW RELATIONSHIP

Always a great idea. Companionship is good for the soul. Even better if you find a broken person. A project. Someone who needs you. Someone who in turn sees your faults and wants to help you.

Now these models always come with baggage that can impact you in a moments notice (*DISCLAIMER: I can’t judge, because I too have a mountain of over stuffed Touristor™️ and Samsonite™️ luggage, tattered and torn, bursting at the seams that I drag everywhere). An ex that they are “over” but isn’t over them (this is usually two sided). That, and abuse issues, trust issues, and “remaining interested” issues, tend to overtake that new relationship feel in a moments notice. I mean let’s face it, every girl says she wants a nice guy, one that treats her right, doesn’t abuse her mentally or verbally. Opens doors. Buys flowers. Compliments her. Is good with her friends and doesn’t hit on them. Doesn’t lie, steal, or cheat. Cooks. Balances checkbooks. Mows the lawn. Fixes things. Loves his mom. Chops lumber, yet saves the forest. Dresses nice. Has good hygiene. Still has all his teeth. Just the right amount of bad boy, mixed with the “boy next door”. All things that just seem nifty in a boyfriend.(YAAAWWNNNNN!)

Yeah, they get bored with that fast. Believe me, the dating pool in our 40’s is teaming with these types… Yes, yes, I know ladies, single guys in their 40’s are probably not any better. But this is being written from my point of view, so go write your own blog! I suppose being in a rocky relationship like that adds a lot of excitement to one’s life.

One could fill in the blanks with damn near any detractor. Television, addiction, Hobbies, projects…The list goes on and becomes quite redundant. Exactly at what point do we realize, when we are not focusing on ourselves, we are more able to direct more energy and lend aid to others, which, ultimately, is way more gratifying. We are more able to lead truly fulfilling and satiable lives. The true purpose of life is found in what we unselfishly contribute. What we give to others we should never expect a reward or compensation from. Ultimately, it comes back to us tenfold, when done with the correct motive.

What about the things in which we seek reward from? Well my friend, that is the clamoring, the distractions, the noise. That noise causes us to lose focus on the beauty of life, the true meaning. True purpose of life, as I see it, is to care for one another. However we choose to protect ourselves first. We become self-seeking, forsaking all others. That is selfish and ugly. Just fucking ugly.

Well, if my toes and fingers yield an accurate count…

that….that is one million and 3 ways to un-unfuck ones life….

Boom! Boom! Boom! (You know what that sound is? Dan beating his head on the walls again?)

Poor walls.

Walls in my abode, walls in my mind, walls in my life. Endeavoring to carry out my bidding, to no avail.

All built to keep unwanted things out. Perhaps I mean, put out, as in a fire. Keep the light off the things I don’t care to have detected by my detractors. The darkness remains behind the walls. Only for a compendious moment.

AND DAMN THE DOORS!!! DAMN THE DOORS FOR SURMOUNTING THE WALLS. The doors, you see, will not acquiesce the walls to do their calling. Keeping the consternation at bay.

Do I keep having to tell you what a walls avocation is?! Keep..Things…Away.

DOORS!!! Preposterous things they are..

“Come in, come look at the wretched state this man is found!”, the doors seem to shout.

The voyeurs cast deceit in his face and scoff at his troubles.

The doors let them by, I tell you. The doors, are out, to get me…

Bolt them! Latch them! With 16 penny I shall harden them to their jambs… their hinges will seem frozen.. yet I hear them still,

“Come friend, open your door.. let us enter, that we should lend a hand!”

Mockers! All of them. Offer a hand indeed! Extend a hand as they run me asunder by foot! Trust them? They must think of me as a fool. I’d be better for offering my bare throat to their blades.

What’s that? A sweet voice!? Let me put my ear to the wall to hear her out..

“It must be terribly lonely in there…” she wooed me with her soft melody.

“See, I understand. I have been lonely too. Allow me to trespass, that we should bring each other conviviality..”

I will not stand here for this. The grain of the wood marking my forehead as I pressed against it, “I beseech you! Go from me, now!” I heard myself utter in a newly weakened and trembling voice, tears stained the wood.

“I know the yearning of your heart, beloved, let me tend to your soul.”

“All of my resolve, where has it gone?” I asked myself as I felt my fingers slowly twisting the knob of the door. I began to drift towards the now sullen, cloaked woman nearly effortlessly. Looking back towards that doorway only for a moment, just in time to watch my flesh fall to the ground…..

Pourquoi Nous ne Pouvons Pas Avoir De Belles Choses..

We

………wreck

……………….EVERYTHING!!

Whether by self-sabotaging, outside forces, wrong place at wrong time, or just casual wrecklessness.

Perhaps by design. After all there has to be a creative force, that willed us into existence, that drives this crazy car, called “Our Lives”. I could have wandered off into self will, and got into something that would have led me off my “designed (or intended) path”, so to speak. I supposed I’d rather have it taken from me, than me just being smitted, I guess.

Gross negligence is a recurrent cause. Keep forgetting to water that plant, it will soon wither away. Ignore your significant smother (misspelling intended), POOF!!!! That will go away too.

Buh-bye now!

I am not sure why I am so captivated by that disappearing hand..

Subconsciously, maybe we wanted it to go away, or to be just done with it. We did not feel deserving of it, or maybe, that the work was too damned hard to be worth the reward.

Even better, as my mom had me believing until I was old enough to stop believing in monsters, demons were to blame. They would step in to negatively impact God’s intent for a persons life, fighting for the greater evil. In retrospect, demons did make me do some baaaad things though… My parents believed that, once they found my copy of Mötley Crües Shout at the Devil album in my room. I was indeed possessed.

HIIIISSSSSSSSS!

Some like to believe in karmic fate. Some force in the universe that rights all wrongs. You hurt someone, so in turn, karma kicks your ass as payback. After all, Karma is a bitch. I think belief in karma, this mystical, imagined force that keeps the justice scales balanced, is puerile. Who made that shit up anyways!? So long as it makes you feel better.

Take that! Ya little terrorist shit!

I don’t know, there, perhaps are a few of the reasons that, as the title suggests, Why We Can’t Have Nice Things. But I am just spit-balling here…

How Do You Continue To Live, When All Is To Die.

It must really bother Aaron Lewis that he is back to almost bar like performances. That man’s got more talent in his pinky, than I got in my whole body. And he is back to where he started, almost. Yeah a whole lot richer, but still pandering to the same types of assholes in the crowd that love to get the attention on them and try to make you look like an ass. And he’s falling for it. I see him act like a child in front of an audience it disgusts me.

Ego is self-defeating. I see it around me all the time. Yet I cannot let go of my own ego. I fuck things up on a regular basis and then I stomp around like a fucking toddler. And all it takes is for me to be humble, understanding, and to see things from other people’s perspectives…

really.. just ..so very easy… DON’T BE A DICK.

Be vulnerable.

Which, of course means being open to being hurt.

Um… again? Excusez-moi? Pardon mademoiselle? Translated in English: Ummm.. pardon me, fuck you?

That shit never goes away. Memory of emotional pain always lies in wait, serving as a ominous warning or devious foreshadowing of some eminent foreboding danger.

“Don’t,” it hisses, “Recoil, run. Before it is too late, before it has its razor sharp claws embedded deep into your entrails, ravaging your insides, tearing your bowels apart. For it’s ultimate pupose, is only to shred through your lungs, stealing your every breath, so it can pulverize your still beating heart, and feel your life blood gushing out to warm it’s own lifeless fingers.”

It always seems to be much more readily available in my memories. The pain, the anguish. The times I have been mortally wounded by rejection, betrayal, deceit, or unkind words.

I have to struggle to remind myself of the few moments that I have truly experienced love. And in those moments, I remember how richly rewarded they had left me feeling. As if nothing in this life had really mattered before those moments. How ultimately contented, and completed I felt. And how, if I were to die in those moments, it would have been quite agreeable.

And yet, isn’t it ironic, how pain can make you feel exactly, the same way?

So how exactly does one….. well you know.. do that?

Hey There, Village Idiot Checking In.

I am Dan.

Slow to learn, long to struggle. I have nary a desire to continue struggling through one idiotic decision after another. Have you ever imagined what it would look like, trying to parent yourself?

Planning, lack of planning, gross misjudgment and intentional, outright defiance is what lights my twisted path through life.

I’m a comedian, a joker, or rather, I AM ….the “Grasshopper”. As in the Fable of the Ant and the Grasshopper, by Aesop. Strolling through life, not even once planning the future.

I am an extremist. Thank goodness I have not been approached by the Taliban. I’d get all jihadist on ya’lls asses! Can you see me in their customary dress and a suicide vest?

Perhaps my calling… nah!! I’m too pretty to splatter-paint a building or bus with my entrails (I’m really trying to convince myself of that). I still believe I will meet my end, slipping in a shower, while alone. Not a magestic end, to an epic life (trying to believe that as well). Not a fear, a hunch.

Jumping before looking, never sticking my toe in to test the water. So lessons never learned. Carrying the pain and hurts of previous failures doesn’t even serve as a lesson. I may as well have my mind erased. Pain is supposed to teach us… even the simple minded learn not to put their hand on a hot burner. I’ve managed to turn carpe diem into crapped and peed them, my drawers, and well life, bank account, mind.. etcetera.

Perfect illustration of my life would be as follows…

“That fucking brick wall is in my way! I know, I will….RAM. IT. DOWN!!”

Assuming the sprinters take-off position…”Think positive, positive thoughts… you got this! Ok mutherfucker, You got this!!” I tell myself.

As I slap my self about the face i chant to myself, “Mind over matter. Full speed…Take that wall down…GOOOOOO!”

Full speed and almost to the wall, I lead with my head..

BAAAMMMM!!!!

Several hours later, I wake up disoriented, dizzy and bloody. Having no idea how I got here, I only know I need to get somewhere. Taking in my environment, surmising my situation (all the while, not even a bit concerned with the fact that I do not even recall my own name), while holding my throbbing head between my palms..

That fucking brick wall is in my way! I know..”

Oh dear God, someone call for a ambulance and a straight jacket.

Over the past four decades, it seems my conscious self, my subconscious self, my moral self, and my physical self have all been involved in some sort of bizarre melee. AGAINST, MYSELF.

And every single one of these pricks are Irish. Stupid, belligerent, stubborn drunks.

And guess who is getting his ass kicked tonight?

And yet, I keep going

20 buck says that Irish prick in the wheelchair hits a wall.

ERGO I AGAIN, ON MY OWN

Shallow people are definately more common than those with integrity, purpose and depth. Look around yourself. Two of every three people you have right there with you, are more than likely only assessing the situation to see how they can manipulate those around for their own gain. One of them is trying to find a way to make it better for all.

My life has not yet formed a purpose. And here I am finding myself at nearly 50 years of age. I’ve always tried to be a decent individual, oftentimes failing. What is my purpose and just how do I leave things better than when I was here? I don’t have the money to be the altruistic financial benefactor for some magnificent cause. Time and kind words seem to be the only real currency that I have to offer.

The shenanigans and folies of a misspent youth are what has plagued my life so far at this supposed middle-aged I’m hitting. I still feel like a teenager, that is until I’m getting out of bed in the morning. And my behaviors are the type that one would expect from a pubescent teenager.

“IDIOT”

So where do I make my mark?

Local nursing homes?

Animal rescues?

Homeless shelters?

Battered womens shelters ( I prefer mine non-battered. Thank you)?

Local church? … I think I would make an impeccable Latter Days Saint

Ummmmm… NOT!!

Orgasm donor? (So not altruistic, Dan!)

So I continue to find myself seeking a purpose for me. Something that will make me feel like my world, my existence, has left behind something that has made this place better. It certainly is not my writing.

Popping dogs anal glands at a local groomer? Ew, no! But someone will have to do that, I’m far too much a germaphobe to be THAT altruistic.

Nothing to say

Repeat..Repeat…repeat

It’s tough when you love to write, and you have nothing to say.

Like being an empty vessel. Sitting in a void, a dark place that is absolutely silent, without even the company of ones own voice.

And it’s not even depression. Or giving up, or in.

I feel as though I am lacking insight or inspiration. Just… being..

Get up…………..

…………… Go to work

……………………….. Go home………..

…………. Go to bed………………………

****Repeat..Repeat…repeat****

I don’t remember the last time I have watched, or for that matter, appreciated, a sunrise or sunset. Perhaps I need to do that.

As I reflect over my words, I realize it could be….

…DEPRESSION.

WELL FUCK MY LIFE!

My life doesn’t suck… geez Dan always so dramatic.

Time to face the fact that perhaps,I am chemically defective. Yup, broken. Emotionally handicapped. Cray -Cray

So do I go down to see my local psych doc. Let him poke around the old mass of grey matter. Pick at my emotional and mental regions so that he can stamp me with a label that will keep me from owning guns?!?!

Fuck that!

Chasing is Stalking

A gentleman pursues, never chases.

Here is what chasing looks like, for you poor, blind, bastards.

She gives you enough attention to seem nice. Kind, courteous… never really stand-offish. Her “I love you” is more of a “let’s always be friends”. You’re not ever really a priority. If someone does not treat you as much of a priority as you treat them then it is time to relinquish the pursuit. You may have to accept friend zone status.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

I have a lot of females that are friends. Yes, just friends. And I have personally witnessed the pain, frustration, harassment and irritation they have to endure from “the guy that just doesn’t get it”. I have a friend that had to quit going to certain AA meetings just to avoid one guy that didn’t get it.

What does the guy who doesn’t get it look like?

DON’T BE THAT GUY ⬆️.

He turns up at similar places and bumps into you. Calls/texts incessantly. Never notices that you don’t initiate contact. Drops by unannounced. Puffs up when you introduce him to other male friends. I’ve really noticed much firmer handshakes when meeting friend-zoned suckers. 1/100 times, this will end well for you. But each one of these guys secretly believe they are one in a hundred.

He has a sneaky way of trying to metaphorically “pee everywhere” to mark his territory. A passive-aggressive pursuit. Tries to rearrange everything in his schedule on the off chance he can accommodate hers, seldom ever working out. Ladies, this is when it’s ok to not be nice, brutal honesty is very necessary at this point. Tell this guy it is not, nor will it ever, blossom into more. In time he will appreciate your candor.

Even give reasons to eliminate any doubt this guy will have that what you are telling him will not change for you. If he doesn’t get it, next course of action will be a order of protection, if you are wise.

Again, I blame cinema. And women who leave any doubt in a guys head.

A true pursuit involves reciprocity. Glimpses of interest from the pursuant. An occasional, “I haven’t heard from you lately, I miss you.” or “Hey, just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.” or “Hey, what are you up to this weekend?” , NOT followed with I need help moving, I don’t want to go to the dealership by myself, or I need you to look at my car… she is using you then.

She will contact you to thank you for the flowers, not avoid you, prompting you to ask her if she got them.

She will call you just to talk. She won’t talk about this guy she is seeing. She will use subtle, yet obvious clues she is interested.

You won’t have to call the girl, that you have friend-zoned, asking her “What does this mean when she said ______?”.

She will express interest in you, you can’t change her opinion or her feelings.

If you find yourself spending countless hours reading over past text conversations, scrolling through her social media pages, friend lists, leaving endless messages without a reply, and generally obsessing with little or no actual interaction… your a fucking stalker. Stop wasting your time. Get a healthy fucking hobby.

This guy doesn’t see how really sad he looks.

So get over it bro. As for me I’ve had many opportunities at love. And guaran-damn-teed I’ve fucked every single one up.

I have learned the valuable lesson of loving me, and being good with being alone. I know how unhealthy it is to try too hard. Yeah, it gets their attention, and they know who they can depend on, but it never is returned. And it is perfectly okay to give without expectations, so long as you are absolutely sure there is not an underlying expectation.

The greatest gift given to me in sobriety is self-awareness. The gift of knowing what a great heart I have. Albeit sometimes led astray by worldly clamorings.

I am fully prepared to live my days out, happily, alone. After all, this vagabond life is not for everyone. Such a big world, so much to see, and so little time.

I want to see it all…

Might As Well Go For a Soda

I dreamed of going to a party. Many people I love and adore will be there. So will the bitch that fucked me over. The bitch that made and broke so many promises. The same relenting bitch that took my soul, chewed it up and spat it out.

She made me feel 10′ tall and bullet proof when she was by my side. She gave me a false bravado. I couldn’t pass a mirror when we walked by together. “Just look how amazing we look together!”, she would whisper in my ear. “Everyone loves us, wants to be us.”

Over and over she promised me she would not let me fall or break my heart. Told me she would love me and forever care for me. Over and over she left me looking like a complete ass..

Now, I fear running into her in a weak moment. Everytime I have let her back into my life, I fall for her again. Letting her run my life, with every thrilling twist and turn bring more excitement. She slowly weeds through my group of friends. She gets her fingers into my wallet.

But, she is so seductive. Her lies got me by, up until they didnt. Her whispers seduced me. Her kiss warmed me to my soul and stole my breath. I drank her in deeply. I craved her.

I hate the person you turned me into. Weak, untrusting, untrustworthy. In your lies you taught me to fear everything. You blinded me to the man I truly am. Kind, caring, giving and loving.

So this letter is to let you know. I am done with you. If I see you at a event or party, I may smile at you, only at memories of the good times. It’s not to welcome you back, in fact, don’t smile back. If you do I’ll walk away.

Take this personal…. it’s not me …it is you.

Goodbye you cold, sexy bitch.

Fuck you disease!

Drugs Are Baaad… Mmmmmmkay?

So here I sit in a dependency treatment center intake, at an undisclosed location, deep in the heart of Texas.

Humiliated.

Deflated.

I really want to cry like a damn baby. Fuck.

I wrote that upon checking in to The Treehouse Rehabilitation Center in Scurry Texas. There was more in a notebook. Some of the things I journaled I won’t share. It was really scary stuff. I was really scared. I was angry. I was also relieved. More than anything…I was ashamed.

Humiliation is a real thing. We shame ourselves. We tell ourselves what fuck ups we were. How we let everyone down… and ourselves. This demoralization needs to happen to strip us of our defense mechanisms.

But what we need to be reminded of… that early on in life, I had a very dark mind. And also, I had this incredibly huge heart. This huge heart gave me compassion. It gave me empathy. It made me vulnerable to be hurt. My mind was very dark. It convinced me to not trust, that I was unloveable… mostly that I was unworthy. It told me I needed to medicate myself. It taught me to over compensate. It also saved my life.

Our brains are an amazingly complex machine. Baffling at times.

“What was I thinking!?”

“Why did I do that!?”

Those are questions I find myself asking in regards to a knee jerk, reactive response or behavior. Many times nonsensical. I lied for reasons unknown. I behaved irrationally. All trained/learned self preservation techniques I had engrained into my inner most mind. Automatic responses. Thoughtless mindfucks!

Becoming aware of these things allows us to change these deficiencies inside. Not overnight unfortunately. It is a long process. Sometimes it is intently disregarding our first thought. Then it is intentionally introducing our hearts into our thinking process. I require a lot of prayer, meditation, self awareness and questioning my first thought.

“Is this a reasonable reaction?”

“Will I damage myself or someone else?”

“What feeling is behind this reaction?”

Or just simply:

Will I help, or harm this situation?

That is the most valuable question, and I must ask it each and every time. EVERY…FUCKING..TIME!!!

https://youtu.be/2HEHd-k7zFg

Give that link a watch. Worth the 5 minutes.

Of Fearz and Neurotic Mania….Weeeeee! Let’s Go Play!!

So here I sit, frozen by fear. Fear of what? I have no idea. Perhaps fear of failure. Or rejection. Or just plain old the unknown.

Anxiety is a motherfuker. Especially when you have treated it most of your life with drugs and alcohol.

Doesn’t mean I’m not going to go forward and try doing what needs to be done next. I need to move through the fear, breath and know everything will be ok. In the mean time… it’s a bitch!

Being fucked is always a temporary status. Doesn’t take away the feelings you experience in the middle of your fucked-ness. Anger. Shame. Hopelessness. Dispair… FEAR. Fear that chokes the willingness out of me.

Fear of being..

.. a failure.

..wrong.

..right.

..ridiculed.

..in trouble.

..in debt.

..fired.

..hired (and what if I suck at the new job? Honestly folks!).

..yelled at.

..resented.

..physically or emotionally injured.

..denied.

..ambushed.

The list could go on and on, ad nauseam. It is insideous. This is anxiety on steroids. It’s why I can’t get sleep. It’s paralyzing.

If anxiety were a monster..

I am tired of being bullied by my own fears. Generally, the struggles do not appear on the outside. It is all internal. But the fact that others do not see this, does not make it any less real to those of us that suffer with these constant internal battles. Believe me, it is a battle. Never ceasing. Even as I lay down at night I am forced to endure wave after wave of anxieties demons striking fear and self doubt into my every thought. Sleep escapes me. Today is day five of three to four hours of rest.

THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU

I hate asking for help, being vulnerable. Being helpless. Or looking incapable. After all, I’ve done a great job with my life on my own. Right?

We have to be vulnerable. We all need help from time to time.

Perhaps the void of anxiety could be found in the center of being humble…

Now if that is something for me to chew on…

My name is Dan, welcome to my journey.

Ode to the Lady in Blue

Today is a monumental occasion. 42 years ago today a beautiful child was brought into this world.

Her life would not be easy. Her life would be trying. Her life would be full of trauma. She was pushed very hard. Harder than most. What would have injured most people, put in this woman a fierce determination for success.

She was not shown a good example of what love is, yet she determined to become an example of love in this despicable world. A place full of deceit, anger, hidden motives, selfishness, betrayal and ugly people… she chose to touch people with her loving light.

A girl who was robbed of childhood, became a lover of children and like a child herself. Though she was never made a mother she would have been a great one, I guarantee you that!!

Her determination awarded her certain successes. In that success, she chose to share it with other people. Helping to build them up and show them their own talents. She seems to have a knack for seeing in others what they do not see in themselves. She has an eye for beauty, of what dwells deep within.

One could liken her to a greens keeper. She could look at a plain brown seed and recognize the beauty it hides from the world. Most of us would walk past it and never think twice about the unnoticeable, earthy nugget. She on the other hand sees it’s TRUE potential.

Carefully, she gathers the seed and shows everyone the oddly shaped pit and raves of its beauty. People may scoff at her, “What do you see in that!? Its a useless nut! Cast it aside and rid yourself of it, it will be of no good to you!”.

Against their advise, she places it in rich soil and waters it. She turns the soil and nurtures it. Most importantly, she quickly plucks the weeds away from it. Weeds that wishes to rob it of its water, nutrients, and hide it from the sun.

She does this simply to watch it emerge from the soil. To watch the sprout become a stalk full of leaves and eventually blossom to the brilliant flower she saw within the seed. And in that alone she receives delight.

I hope you all get to have a person like this in your life. Mine has been enriched by it and I am constantly inspired by her. In her words to me, in my observations of her, and as a bystander in her life.

Never let your light fade. Those of us who can call you friend, are blessed beyond words.

Happy birthday, I see you.

Oh, I would be remiss to forget to add… BOY DOES SHE ROCK BLUE!

SO, EVRYTHING TAKES CARE OF ITSELF… (shit!)

Problem number one is solved. 100% single, and I needed that. I made promises that I don’t mind keeping, but would made my life more difficult, and let’s face it… I have a broken picker. Not pecker! Picker!

The thing is, you can’t keep the truth down. It always makes itself known. And I am now a lover of the truth. And apparently an obstacle or hurdle, whatever!

Truth is, it hurts a little. But it’s not the debilitating hurt. Rejection sucks. But I am worthy of far better. I know this. Sure she was young and sexy, but for gawds sakes, have a little moral code. So many things I could say about this, about her… But truth is I may as well be saying this in a mirror. I’ve been guilty of the same.

Now to put my focus where it belongs, on my broke ass. I got a lot of repairing to do on my life, and believe me, it will be better than before.

I have a lot going for me in the next few months. By doing the next right thing each day, shits going to fall into place. In that, I have absolute faith. However my knowledge of what is the next right thing… well there is some inner debate, a dialogue if you will, as to what exactly the next right thing is.

Part of me, the very sick part, will tell me a good woman will help me to get shit straight, fill that void and straighten the arrow on my broken moral compass (Yeah right, you want more than your arrow straightened, asshole!!).

NO!!!! Dont listen to that dick!!

The other part, it tells me to glue myself into fellowship, walking through the steps of self learning, and rediscovering myself. Rediscovering the things I used to love to do. Off-roading, fishing, camping, and reading. Things that are important: friends and family, writing and the like.

That, and considering the fact that I may very well, die alone. I actually think I would be fine with that. After all, it would take a very incredible woman to change that for me. I doubt I will ever meet that game changer.

And sex… what about sex? I love it! Guess that will have to wait.. FML!!

Yeah… MOUNTIAN CLIMBING WILL FIX ME.

I’m not perfect folks. Just getting better. Sheesh! My name is Earl, I mean Dan, this is my story.

HEY, I AM SOBER…DOESN’T THAT MATTER?!

Sobering reality one.

People really don’t care what you’re doing now. What people know about you what you’ve done in the past. The only things that I can do is continue to try to change me. For that, I need Gods help. I ask him every day. Sometimes moment to moment.

I can promise people that I’m going to change. They need to see the change. You could promise them till your blue in the face. All they have to go on is history. I’ve hurt people. I’ve been selfish. I have reacted irrationally over real emotion. I have dropped out. I have not shown up. Have not answered calls, I’ve not replied to texts. I have straight up lied.

I have lost people… that’s a hard one to swallow.

Doesn’t matter what I say now. It’s important that my actions match my words. Telling people I’m going to get better… I would liken their response to what I told my high school girlfriend, “Sure, I’m willing to wait for sex, but you’re going to have to stop rubbing the outside of my jeans until we get there.” I’m sure you get my point.

I’m not coming out of this is a spiritual Guru. Hell I’m a straight-up shitshow to this day. What matters is making an effort every day to change. Consistency is key. Suit up. Show up. Participate. Be real.

Also, I need to remember, I am doing this for me. I am deserving of this.

My name is Dan, not Mark, not Greg, Dan is a drunk, pardon, addict/alcoholic. Not every day is perfect. Not every day is easy. But each day is a opportunity for growth. I am grateful to be on the top side of terra firma. Welcome to my journey.

Here I Go Again….

Y’all heard me say this before. Journey Of A Thousand Miles begins with the first step. Here is step one.

1. Came to believe we are powerless over (insert everything here) and our lives had become unmanageable.

Holy fucking understatement!

Imagine you’re cruising along. 100 ropes in your hand. Every single one is tugging from every single direction. People passing by, “Hey buddy! Do you need a hand?” All the while, one by one, each rope slowly slipping out of your grasp.

You simply look back try to charm up your most convincing smile, all the while sweat, profusely dripping off your brow, your eyes darting wildly in every direction and four more ropes slipping from your hands, ” Nope I got this, but thanks for the offer.”

“FUCK!”

HI, MY NAME DER-DER-DERRR!

I’m not sure how long I thought I could carry on that masquerade.

It didn’t last long. It wasn’t long before everything I thought I’d built-up came crashing down around me. My ego had gotten away from me. I thought I was being spiritual at moments. I was making it up, I was lying to myself and those around me. I was completely lost and wanted everybody to believe I had it all together. The lies you have to tell other people to get yourself to believe them. It’s insidious. Much like my disease. It snuck up on me I didn’t see it coming, I really knew it was there all along.

The beauty is today I don’t have to lie. I don’t have to remember what lies I told. I can be honest with everyone around me. I can be accountable. Once again I can carry myself like the man I have always been.

My name is Dan, I have came to the idea that I am powerless over people places and things and my life has indeed become and manageable.

Here is my first step. Welcome to my journey.

Hello, My Name is Addict… But That’s Not Who I Am……

For those of you who do not know what it means to be an addict, and alcoholic, a compulsive gambler, a sex addict, the list goes on ad nauseam….

OMG!!!!!! ADDICTION!?!?!

That is a label for people, who are otherwise driven, brilliant and often successful people… who have a issue with something that can get wildly out of control. Often the addiction makes a mess of everything in their life. As well as those who are around them.

Must be me age 11?

But do not mistake that label as the definition of the person. Regretfully, in society, that label clouds what lies underneath, an amazing person who is normally a beautiful, creative and loving individual.

To the people who are uneducated, uninformed, or have never been around such a person, addicts can be scary individuals. Addicts are capable of lying, stealing, embarrassing you, slipping, or out and out just totally fucking it up. But please do run and hide. Remember. Remember always. Addicts are scary people.

I say this in jest.

However addicts in recovery have some of the biggest hearts, have to overcome some of the biggest obstacles, and possess unmatchable drive.

How does one identify these so-called “addicts in recovery”? Excellent question!

An addict in recovery often has a smile on their face. Some, a sparkle in their eye. Many show real and raw emotion on their faces. They can often be found helping out others, looking outside of themselves, striving to do the next right thing. They do this with every fiber of their core. They show compassion. They sometimes over-react. Sometimes they’re just plain overly dramatic. They’re definitely not perfect people. But all are driven by something bigger than them.

At times they’re confused. Sometimes they can be irrational. But at their best? They’re absolutely beautiful.

If someone you know confides in you that they are a drug addict, an alcoholic, a sex addict, a compulsive gambler, or an overeater, whatever the affliction may be. Feel fortunate. They’re trying to be honest with you. They are trying to remain accountable. They’re letting you into a very vulnerable, private part of their life that could at any moment become a very serious matter. They’re trying to recover.

Please do not reply with judgement, sympathy, or avoidance. They may need to regain your trust if they have harmed you. But if they’re truly in recovery, and trying to better themselves, they just want to be treated like others.

Hi, my name is Dan, I’m an addict and an alcoholic. Welcome to my journey.

Yeah I believe I’m going to follow her.

NOT!!!

Can We Get a Reset, on Aisle (what aisle?… Oh, Ok!) All of Them.

Boy to say that our lives don’t go as we have planned out…

Quite the understatement.

I have been somewhat of an island. And there is a saying that goes no man is an island. Well let’s just say that as more of a prophetic saying than anything else because I failed to function normally.

PLEASE HOLD FOR SYSTEM REBOOT

Where am I at this moment of my life, I am being treated somewhat like a child. And in turn I am throwing temper tantrums as a child.

I am a grown ass man however I have failed to act like it.

Well… got so much to say, no time to say it.

But thanks ya’ll…. just for holding in there…. stay tuned…

Dammit, The Universe Ain’t Throwing No Breaks.

I’ve always been a believer, do good and good shall come on to you.

Lately it’s become: no good deed goes unpunished…

Oh I am not blameless. I’ve made my share misjudgments, bad calls, and outright shitty behavior.

Perhaps karma has stepped in from past wrongs that I have not yet atoned for. Who knows. But I don’t steal. Not to mention steal from people who I consider a friend, or someone trying to help someone who has been dealt a worse hand than himself. I always felt the need to help others.

What I saw was a hard working man, trying to clean his past up and had a lot of heart. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind. He was human still making mistakes, hell we all are. The police officer/neighbor indirectly vouched for him in a side conversation we had a few weeks earlier, “He is a hell of a good guy, when he puts his nose to the grind.”

I didn’t notice the sidebar like I should have.

Leap forward to a work trip that would have me on the road for almost three weeks. He or his girlfriend would call almost every night to see how I was doing, to let me know what was accomplished around the house. For two weeks. The last week nothing. Neither would answer a phone. They communicated through a friend the phone was “damaged”.

I began to worry, not for them, about them. Spidey senses tingled a bit too late.

When I got home, the back door was unlocked. Electricity was cut off. The only thing I asked of them in return for staying there was to get electric paid. The place was ransacked. Not just mine, but the other tenant who was away. Only things of mine that were left behind was a crystal decanter that belonged to my grandmother and a older personal mac computer. I know he left the decanter of mine behind due to the sentimental value it had to me. Even took every pair of shorts, socks, t-shirts and underwear I had there. Left my button up shirts, how kind.

Anger, rage, betrayal, and hurt all in one huge slap. I felt exposed, violated and stupid. So fucking stupid. And hurt.

Dumb-hurt?

And to add insult to injury, the other tenants family came to get what was left behind of hers and accused me of stealing her things. And… took the decanter, my tablet, the toilet paper I bought (who does that?) and who knows what else before I realized it.

I’ve lost hope in humanity. People are fucking evil. Redemption is a fucking lie. Mankind IS the devil.

I really need my faith restored.

Give me something God!

FAIL MEANS FOREVER

True love is a thing only real in the movies. It doesn’t happen that way ever… when it does it fades quickly.

The flame that burns twice as bright, only burns half as long.

So true. The longer you invest in something the more you yeild. I love fiercely… and to my detriment. It hits hard and fast and then fades just as swiftly, and is always on one side. Never both. The heart break is crushing for one of the two.

And here I find myself driving away again. And with each passing mile I feel the separation becoming greater and greater. And the feelings fade away. She is somebody I will always love. But it won’t always be the same. And if I was being truthful, I would love if she were the one. I watch the romantic feelings dessicate and note a lack of appropriate remorse. Truth is neither of us will be crushed. A little bit of honesty never hurt anybody. But it does make me sad to realize this.

Authors Edit:

I removed two pictures that were seen by the person that I wrote about in the above paragraphs. I didn’t think she would read it as she wasn’t a follower or subscriber of my blog. I am sorry she saw it that way. And if you ever come back to revisit this post, I truly am grieving that portion of the relationship… I miss looking forward to what could have been… and in truth, it never waned, I had to shut it off to save me.

-Dan Dan

I’ve given up on any idea of forever. And it’s kind of sad because I’m quite a romantic. I have attempted love… over and fucking over. It fails. I guess the fail is the forever. I have hurt some amazing and wonderful women, that quite possibly could have been my forever, all due to the fact that I did not realize I hadn’t yet gotten over my exwife.

So again I am back to the idea of finding true happiness and true love within. I am “seeing” myself now. I am Gemini after all. I’m serious, he’s not (asshole!). We are quite happy together in all honesty. He is coming around.

Self-reliance for me is being happy with who I am. It’s being happy when I’m alone. When you stop being reliant on other people for your own happiness you can actually start being happy, and share that with other people again. That starts with coming to terms with your flaws, your demons, and beginning to walk through your struggles.

And that is a daily thing. A true forever struggle. That is where you may find your forever.

https://youtu.be/FicaTt-zUZ

It’s Over, Dead, and Gone. Signed, – Human

When you miss an old relationship, always remember, you are missing what it was. It WAS. Time changes people, circumstances changes people. It’s like missing a ghost…. you are missing something that is no longer there, and hasn’t been in a long time. It does nobody any good sitting around digging up old bones.

You can miss your “what could have been”, but even that is not real. All of that is past tense. Good to have memories…. but don’t live in the past. There can be no future if you are stuck in the past. I believe it is better off left to the archaeologist, the anthropologists, and the dogs.

So then in moving on, oddly, I thought moving on would be the hardest thing I could possibly imagine.

But in that moment of final goodbye, cutting all ties… only a sigh of relief. No more mind fucks. No more saying just enough to keep me dangling by a thread of hope. No more attempts to reel me back in. No more wishing I could go back. I let her feel like it was her decision. I was over it. But I needed her to stop. I had long stopped trying to talk with her. I in fact had been over it for a good long while.

Total relief.

She was the biggest anchor I ever had tied to me. Bigger than meth. Bigger than anything I could have battled on my own. She was my disease, my sickness. My curse.

She wasn’t always that way. She was once amazing. And that is what I had held onto for two years following the divorce. The amazing left in the final years of our marriage. I suppose it was a mixture of reality meeting her ideology. Perhaps a dash of her spiteful moms influence, a huge helping of a dysfunctional me, and a splash of resentful kids that she forced herself on (with my ignorant assistance).

TAKEN TWO YEARS POST DIVORCE

We all do what we feel is best, the difference is if we operate off of what we feel is best for ourselves, or others. The narcissists meets the philanthropist. Do we chose to care more for ourselves or those around us. And that my friends, is not always black and white. No one amongst us is perfect. Some are less so than others.

And it’s not for us to judge, I’ll let God separate the wheat from the chaff. I’ll just continue to try to be better than I was the day before….

And cut anchors…..

Still Waiting For Intent to Catch the Author

My intent, when starting this blog, was to not be self-indulgent, whiney or negative. But to be positive, uplifting, inspiring, and a bit funny.

OOPS!

Think I’ll burn this bitch down, reboot. Start a new….

Maybe indeed I knew what I was doing. After all, this was a journey of self-discovery. Boy did I learn more about myself than I ever wanted to learn. I have a tendency to keep myself emotionally stunted, walk into the same locked door over and fucking over, and generally make a folly of my own life.

And this is where it stops.

Fuck ups and backslides are acceptable. Dwelling is not. Fuck up and move on.

As we all know male pattern retardation is very real in this one.

So a rebirth of some uncertain order is in store. Yes, by all means, there will be whiskey. Probably more than I should drink.

But don’t let that detract, from the fact, that I’m going to change my act.

Hear that? That was a promising career of a rap star going down the shitter.

Floooooooshhhh!!!!

So, here I sit, contemplating how to make this all positive, reaffirming, comforting.

I can surmise it with one simple paragraph. Listen up dumbass.

Life sucks and then we die. No one gets out unscathed, unhurt or unaffected. Our purpose on this blue, gaseous (not my fault, I have omitted Taco Bell from my diet), spinning orb, is to create our own happiness. My source of happiness comes from appreciating the small things. Children’s laughter. A long peaceful ride on a motorbike. The love and comfort of someone special. Giving love and comfort to someone. A well written book. Ice cream, fine cigars and bitchen whiskey.

Face it buttercup, life is not all about you. It doesn’t come to you. You have to go out and get it. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself to the finer things in life now and then.

Over do it or dont…

Find

Your

Center

Me? I like writing, the mountains, motorbikes, making people smile, whiskey, and my people… see ya’ll soon.

Allow an edit here…

I met 2 people in my travels this week. She snapped her back and had a surgeon fuck up… paralyzed her…he had been ejected 1/4 of a mile from his vehicle.. died something like 7 times.. lost a lot of his fine motor skills..short term memory. They have had many obstacles and met one another after their tragedies. I have not met two people, so happy, and so friendly in all my travels. If ever Metallica or Dead and company comes to Phoenix, I hope to be able to force them to join me (she has not been to a show since her accident, and we share a fanship).

I hope it doesn’t take a misfortune like that to make any of us happy people.

CHEERS TO THE DEATHRAGE FAMILY!

ODE TO THE BREAKFAST CLUB

So, interestingly enough, I was asked to write a presentation regarding my position in this company. I like my job. Aspects of it anyways. It presents constant challenges, forcing me to be creative in my problem solving skills, to consistently think ahead, and to think outside of the box.

I get to be boss and make critical calls.

Things I dislike? Allow me to borrow from above..

It presents constant challenges, forcing me to be creative in my problem solving skills, to consistently think ahead, and to think outside of the box.

That and the amount of travel required to do my job, has left my personal life, my mental and emotional well being in a state that, well, let’s just say, it is being questioned.

Now, I have already wrote up a job description, general duties, and requirements for this position. I was the first person hired for this job. I walked into a VERY vague, and interesting role within this organization 5 years ago when I signed on. And let me tell you, there was a lot of confusion in the beginning. And five years later, we are about to need another 1-2 or two more to keep up with product demand and delivery. Exciting times.

That means there will be a team of me. Watch out world, this may not be a good thing!

Enter a new Vice President of Operations. He is a very smart person, well schooled and a type “A” personality. He is a facts man. Cut and dried, black and white. There is no gray area in his book.

He has stated we are all overpaid in this organization. His justifacation? He could hire college grads to do the work we do for 2/3 our wages. While that is true, he doesn’t consider the following:

1. The amount of experience that this team brings to the table.

2. Each person in the position they hold were selected for their:

A. Knowledge possessed

B. The contacts they have

C. Reputation

D. Personal fit

3. Hire the college grad and once they master this, they move on for more money with a bigger company.

4. They will fall on their faces within the first 3-6 months

Anyways, back to my presentation I am supposed to give. The Quarter two meeting is canceled. I’m fine with that. I haven’t even started it. When asked to do it, I realized there was a motive behind it…

I am usually on the road, in the field and running my ass off. That little assignment has left a foul taste in my mouth. Last week, I didn’t really feel like showing up. Which lead to:

I don’t know how I got to the point of, “What….ever, gah!!!!”. It is completely unlike me.

I lie when I say I didn’t do the report, I had mine done for weeks. I have to admit, I employed a little plagiarism. But it was heartfelt, and I did intend to deliver it. And I had envisioned what I would look like upon the completion of my presentation delivery.

(SO DAMN COOL)

And as I walked out….?

(MY INNER BENDER)

Fortunately, the meeting was cancelled. I won’t be delivering my scripted “spit-in-your-face” presentation now. Probably for the best. I will however give you readers a peek into my comedic rebellion. I did feel like a brain once I finished the piece, though not mine, still brilliant all the same.

BIG BRI “THE BRAIN” JOHNSTON

Dear Mr (Name Omitted),
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Thursday in Q2 meeting for whatever it is that we were supposed to learn. But we think you are crazy to make us write a presentation telling you what we think our job roles and responsibilities are. You see us as you want to see us: in the most simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But, what we have found out is that each one of us is:
An overpaid purchasing manager…

an overpaid project manager…

an overpaid assistant project manager…

an overpaid shop manager…

an overpaid deployment manager.

DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?

Sincerely yours,

THE (COMPANY NAME OMITTED) CLUB

So, I may still deliver this in a one-on-one setting with said V.P. regarding my personal concerns with the direction I see this company going. But it was fun to imagine my inner Jonny Bender emerging in the conference room.

Delusional?

Not much…

No One, Quite Like You

So here I am, sitting and waiting to board a plane. Glistening with a fresh coat of “OMG, will I make my gate!?” sheen. In need of a shower and change of clothes…. 10 minutes past boarding time, the plane is just starting to “de-plane” as they call it in the trade. Immediately my thoughts run to writing a VERY STERNLY WORDED LETTER to their headquarters.

Dear unnamed airline,

Listen, you hear!! I have your android app, why was I not notified that the plane was delayed 10 more minutes….. !?!

Then when I stop to think about it, I realize I would only use that to my advantage, to handle more issues, stop and get that drink, those shoes, that hat….what ever my selfish mind tells me “If only I had just a few more minutes to…..” as nauseum.

I can be a selfish prick.
I steal time
I steal moments
Thoughts….
Inspiration…

There is very little originality in this world, with exceptions in the areas of new tech…. and even that has been rumored to have been given to us from some superior race outside of our galaxy. Whatever.
No thought, no assembly of word, can truly bear the stamp of originality.

But yet we hear it all around us all the time.

I don’t want to be like everybody else…. I want to be, “Original”.

I am not status quo… I am “One of a kind”.

Oh no, you won’t find anybody that dresses like me, I create my own styles, my own flare… I am “Unique”.

Oh the hell you are. That shirt you’re wearing? The manufacturer made hundreds and thousands more, just like it. That hat you have on? Quite possibly hundreds if not hundreds of thousands. And those shoes, mass-produced, dummy! So there is really nothing unique about the way you dress yourself. Sure maybe there’s certain accoutrement, maybe that bracelet that your friend made you. I will guarantee you that someone else has had that same ensemble thrown together at one point or another. Sure there might be subtle differences that aren’t immediately noticeable to the eye.

Oh. Wait. The small, subtle variances.

Everybody has this incessant need to feel different. Are we really all so different? It makes me quite literally, sick to my stomach.

That problem you’re going through? Hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, have experienced it, and lived through it.

For those of you who really need to feel unique, worry not. We are all our:

1. DNA

2. EYES

3. FINGERPRINTS

4. SOULS

5. MIXTURE

of

life’s

experiences……….

You’ve heard the saying, “walk a mile in a man’s shoes”? That is what truly sets us apart.

From the moment we are conceived, our individual journey’s and experiences creates who we are. The type of food we take from our mother’s bodies, the sets of emotions we experience through them, the things we hear within the womb. I imagine even phases of the moon when we were conceived.. the season we are born into, even what was happening in the media during our development in the womb. The possibilities are endless.

Were we full term or premature? What was our birthing like? What were the sounds inside the birthing room? What were the first sounds we heard upon delivery? Was everything normal and calm? Was there high stress?

Bottle or breast fed? Stress in the home? Siblings? City or country? Pets? Colors in the home. Lead paint on our cribs. How many head injuries we sustained during our formative years. Our friendships…

There are literally so many variables that have even the smallest impact upon each and every one of us. Imagine the idea of the butterfly effect and the impact it has on each individual’s life. Especially the early on experiences.

Relax there Cupcake, you are an individual.

Hey Daddy Warbucks! As you’re walking by that homeless person, judging him, thinking even though you had a tough life, you pulled through… did you have the exact same experiences, to the finest detail, as the homeless man you’re judging had? How then can you judge?

Christian woman? All Pius and holier-than-thou, snubbing others outside of your income class and church group. Looking down on that woman you refer to as whore, slut, or hooker. That woman you judge is single with three kids. First one was a result of rape. You see her going from man to man. She is not whoring around. She is only trying to fill the void, left by her father who abandoned her at 6 years old, only seeking to be truly loved and cared for. Yeah she may have a bit of a foul mouth, but you will always get honesty from her. She is accepting of all the kids in her neighborhood. And she will go out of her way to help another person. What about that log in your own eye? Ironically, she never had a good example of love to learn from as she grew up. Yet she is more capable of showing love than you.

We are all individual, and unique. None of us are cut from the same cloth so to speak. Everyone has strengths in some areas that others do not. Likewise weaknesses. No one is the same. So the subtle differences give us our individuality. I don’t know what yours were… so I can’t judge.

Still, unintentionally, subconsciously, regrettably, and shamefully, I do. One day, I will shed this skin of imperfection, this flawed tapestry. I will be able to walk amongst my fellow human beings, seeing them not for their flaws, but the beauty of their individuality.

No thought original.

No trial unique.

No not one.

But each person is different. Whether its is the canvas, the paint, the strokes of the brush, the subtle difference in hues, or crazy belts of vivid colors from all across this wildly diverse, broad spectrum…

None two alike. And don’t even get me started on genetics.

The Big….Meh

We require human interaction.

Or do we? Could isolation be a cure? Can we completely shut ourselves off from the constant dredge of having to validate one another? Incessant desire for emotional fulfillment? Being open to hurt, pain, heartbreak.

What if it were just me, and a canine companion? Nothing to rely on, or to have to measure up to?

Just cut the rope.

Isolate.

Recoil.

Society is draining, as are relationships. Cumbersome. Burdensome. Exhausting. Hopeless, full of demands without yielding. How, then, would one achieve self-fulfillment? How did the mountain men survive without companionship? What about the physical aspects? Touch, embraces, affection… SEX?ķ

Are we merely being told we need those things to survive, in efforts to create another dependance?

Having once been a lover of people, a self described poet, philosopher, comedian, and gregarious humanitarian, I find myself growing tired of the effort to maintain interpersonal relationships. Tired of lies, let-downs, and questioning my worth to others… I find I don’t really like people. Wasting time and energy to sustain bonds and allegiance to others to have them eventually dissipated to a disappointing nothing is just that. A waste.

I’ve realized for years I have this overwhelming capacity for empathy. I see someone get physically hurt, from a small paper cut to breaking bones, every last nerve ending in my body sends out wave after wave of electric signals. Almost like walking directly into a wall, in pitch darkness. Emotional pain in others causes sadness, in such an overwhelming manner, that I feel it as well. When people say “You can’t possibly understand”, I actually do.

I can’t tune it out either. I see someone that is in emotional duress, I instantly sink down to their level emotionally. My average day is a constant rollercoaster on this Carnival of Feelers.

And my pain, my pain is overwhelmingly debilitating. It is soul crushing. And each cut seems deeper. So to cut all ties seems like the ideal remedy. Hurt, pain and the like all are imminent. It is lurking around every corner.

Can one survive without interpersonal relationships?

I shall see.

However.. I know this is impossible.

Greet another day. Fake another smile.

How’s that for “Getting Real With Myself”?FUCK YOU AND YOUR DR. PHIL WANNA BE TEXT MESSAGE! Best of luck in your new marriage.

Here is my catchy title… !@#$$*&#!!!!

Self loathing is a thing.

It really is. And it is prevalent in our country, in our schools, in our homes, and in our families. And looking within ourselves, each of us can probably see it in ourselves.

I have refined the act of self-loathing. I have made it one of the most disgustingly beautiful art forms. Well I say art form. Its partially art, and probably 80% mental disorder. I felt I needed to create a catchy new name for it.

Why? To make me stand out? Am I being grandiose? Too big and unique for my meager exisitence? Too different?

OH! MY! GOD! Am I turning liberal?

NEVER!!!!!!!!

Enter,

waaaaaiiitt for it……

“SADO-NARCISSISTIC”

Now just think how a narcissist treats others. Lacks compassionate understanding for others (empathy). So self involved in their own appearance, they can hardly pass a mirror (vain). Has an uncanny ability to turn every issue with any blame or consequence and turn it to the fault of anyone else, especially the accuser (I don’t even know what the fuck to call this. Deflection-ist perhaps?). Turns fear of something into hate for something (klansmen, Aryan supremacists, Black Lives Matters, feminists). Often feels like the most intelligent, important in any room. Unable to love others.

Sado-narcissist, in contrast to the narcissist, has compassion for everyone but themselves. Spends so much time marveling how good everyone else looks, deploring they way they look themselves (can never measure up to others physically). Has uncanny ability to take the blame on for any issue in the lives of themselves and everyone else around them (martyrdom). Turns fear of someone or something into love and need for acceptance (codependency?). Often feels like they are in a room of their intellectual and social superiors.

A lot of people like to bring attention to their own faults/mistakes or chronic fuck ups. It’s my belief they do this in hopes of good advice… or a bail-out.

Well not….

👍👉this guy👈👍!!!!

I prefer to recoil and hide from others… stuff my shame and disgust in a box. Seeking help is a bitches cry for help. Advice!?!?!? Duh!!!! Don’t do it again, dipshit.

Learn from your mistakes, DUMBASS!!!

“Perhaps you’d like a foot in your ass!?!”

Ah Red Foreman…

My reaction to my faux pas tends to shrink my circles. Keeps others at arms reach. This is truly a unhealthy reaction. Particularly if you remember this god-awful, often cited, overly-played quote…

“We are only as sick as our own secrets.” Whaaaaaaaa!?!? Somebody get me a doctor! I have a rupturing closet door…

So today, I will confide in someone… change comes from within… I was forced to read advice I had once given to my daughter today, somehow, it was relevant:

Make the change you want to see.. just sayin. Like I said. Write your goals down. Want to live on the west coast? Make a plan to visit east coast first. Make sure you are not settling. Small goals to start Sarah, Joshua, and Jonny. Never limit yourselves. Write down the small goals. How do you see yourself making that happen? Take the next right step. Contact your family and your friends. Bounce it off all of them.. real friends will say make it happen. The best friends will say “This is how I would make it happen!”
Never settle, know your real worth. Not what you see, what your true friends see in you. Use them as your mirror. For their words hold more weight than our self-critical minds. Be the you that you want to see!

That and prayer…

Seems fairly simple does it not?

Today, I will look at myself the way others view me.

Today, I will confide in someone.

Today, I will make a list, envision what steps it would take to make my dreams and goals my reality.

Today I will pray, not for myself, but for others. Especially that God place his hand on my dad to heal his cancer. God is bigger than me.

HE has got this. If I try to hold the ball, I will only lose yardage, time to pass.

Hut!

Hut!

HIKE!!!!

CARRY ON MY WAYWARD Son…..OF A BITCH!!!

Be careful when you give in to your curiosity….. even though that wasn’t perhaps the nature of accidentally seeing something you really wish you hadn’t.

When you pull the wool off your eyes, get ready to accept what you most likely didn’t want to. Things were as you hoped they weren’t, which can be both good and bad, or indifferent, a new beginning or that closure you have been needing. What ever it turns out to be… it is what it is and you can’t change it, you can’t go back in time and pull the blinders off sooner.

What you can do is accept things for what they are. You can choose to not let it affect you in a negative manner. You can chose to just be ok with things. “You”, meaning I, or him, or her of course. Change action, behavior, …..expectations.

And I can also laugh at my Male Pattern Retardation.

(The Ringer folks)

At 48, almost 49 years of age, the level of my naivety is astounding. There is a saying that goes as follows:

THE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS.

Why do I have this fucking bump on my head?

Quit hitting your head with that big damn board, asshole. That would be a good start.

I keep saying, every .. fucking .. time .. “NEVER AGAIN!”

OF MYTHICAL CREATURES AND EX’S

Never. Never would I have ever thought. Never would I have imagined.

Imagining……… hearing “X” song without having romantic delusions of my ex-wife.

Not only did I experience this…. I felt sorry for her. Her idea of love is one that can only be realized for moments at a time.

My God how sickening is that thought….. she is far more pitiful than I had once imagined. Loving only for a season. We all have expectations of what our partners, soul mates, or as I prefer, “My Person” would be like. The one I had imagined in my youth was a tall, subservient, witty, fun-loving, “legs for days”, neighborhood organizer, mom to even the kids friends, understanding, kind-hearted, forgiving…..

Oh shit, I could go on. What I had in my mind was indeed far more rare than a unicorn. Unicorns are merely legends. This idea was beyond the wildest myth. My imagery, ideology, far beyond fantasy idea of what my perfect partner was going to, or should be, did not take into account any of my flaws.

My character defects, larger than any elephant in the room, more glaring than 100,000 candlepower led light bar bought off of Billybobs 4×4 Shine Runners Hub, and more destructive than a bomb-vested jihadist wearing a razorblade trench coat.

Let’s just say I could disrupt a cataclysmic event. I am certain end of days will happen after I die. I could walk into an epic Heaven v. Hell battle between Satans army of demons and Gods army of warrior angels…. both sides would simply stop. Satan would remark “Holy shit, did you feel the energy of that battle field take a fucked up turn? I think I am gonna go lay down and reconsider my life goals”.

(Who’s my little creampuff?)

Angel’s would lay down their weapons, walk away arm in arm with each other, comforting demons with phrases like, “Don’t be so hard on yourself, you Jehovah’s Witnesses weren’t all bad.” Or “You know, that Judas guy wasn’t such a bad dude, hell did you hear what I did for a Klondike bar?”

Did you get a load of that weird fucking duck that flew into the battle field?

Anyhow, I digress.

As I grew older, I realized I needed to drop any and all pretense of what I thought my ideal mate should be. We may never find our perfect mates. A real Perfect Mate is going to be that person that understands you, not someone you feel you have to change or should have to change for you. That person may lack certain attributes that you always thought you would have found in your spouse. You need to drop ideology. that person is going to have flaws. They’re not going to change those when you’re ready for them to, they are going to change them in their own time. That person is going to be someone you can grow together with. Sometimes you may have to exhibit patience far beyond what you thought you were capable of. Somehow I have to believe that it would be worth it.

The John Hughes movies of the eighties misled most of us. Gave us is false ideas of what our romantic story should be. Hell most of the things that the underdog did in the movie to get that girl that was way out of his League, is pretty much considered stalking nowadays. If you considered deploying any of the methods they used in his movies, then be prepared to be served arrest warrants, restraining orders, and the like. Hell if you did that stuff to my daughter, I’d fire buck shot into your ass.

Well as we can all agree, life is a series of misconceptions. I call a re-do… I’ve been lied to all my life. Someone tell me the tooth fairy is real….please? I was a Jehovahs Witness, I know about the rest of the fairytales, unless Santa Claus IS actually real…. because I came to believe the redemption of Christ is real, if I have to accept the love and power of Santa Claus, that will take ANOTHER drug addiction, my poor body cannot handle that.

JESUS, I BELIEVE IN YOU, SWEET BABY DINOSAURS, AND ALIEN ABDUCTIONS… DON’T FORCE SATO CLAUS ON ME TOO!!!!

Our bodies and minds are self healing. If i quit smoking now i would have the lungs

of a 78 year old….. not bad……!

So let’s recap my self absorbed paradigm.

1. An ex is easily forgotten, so long as you’re able to convince yourself your life is better than theirs. (My life is SOOOO much better than hers. On sooo many levels).

2. I have no idea where I sit as far as the so-called “Made Up 3” is involved. (That is Sato Claus, Easter Bunny, tooth fairy)

Cuz fuck you, I love Jesus

3. Ex’s are easy to get over as long as you think you have it better than them…. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH!!!

The Fox and the Duck (the dumbest blog EVA)

Too fucking dumb to see their differences, a young duck befriends a witty fox in the mountianside. This odd couple scampered off on wonderful adventures. Oh the days of frolicking and basking in the sun. The duck would fly off intermittently and return. Each time he returned the witty Fox was more and more skittish of the duck. The fox would accuse the duck of trying to somehow deceive it or pull the proverbial wool over its eyes.

The duck had grown quite fond of this fox. And when she would spew her accusations at him, initially it would hurt. But in true duck fashion he would let it roll off his back. Wanting to regain the trust of the fox the duck offered the fox to join him in his adventures. The untrusting fox would merely say, “I couldn’t possibly. My den would be out of order. I cannot possibly leave this place that keeps me lonely.”

The duck begin to use grand gestures to regain the trust of the fox. The duck would help the fox with it’s den. Building things, improving things, the silly duck was bending over backwards for the fox. Anything that the Fox would mention she would like to see done, he was on it.

“Come fly south with me” the duck often asked the fox, “see my life I live away from you.”

“But matters here can’t be handled without my cunning ways.” the fox always replied.

The duck always knew what her answer would be. Each time the duck was about to leave, the fox would begin to change the look in its eyes, as its true nature would begin to surface without her realizing. Her animalistic instincts would surface. She would snarl and bite at the duck, confused and saddened the duck would leave and not look back…

After time, the fox would get word to the duck. Sweet words, kind words, words of regret and remorse. Made to sound sweeter through the delivery of the other woodland creatures, the duck couldn’t resist. He loved the fox after all, and wanted nothing more than to spend his days in the company of this beautiful fox.

Once again, the duck returned to the foxes den. The fox seemed pleased at his return. They spent the day in the familiar ways as they had before. They wore each other out completely, and eventually fell asleep together curled up in a familiar manner. But the duck remained apprehensive, the look in the foxes eyes never returned to the look he used to love. They were more wild, untrusting, almost the same look the duck saw in the wolf that almost killed him years earlier.

They walked down to the spring for a drink. The foxes eyes darkened, the more she drank from the spring. Maybe it was seeing the duck drinking from the same spring… but the fox started to croutch lower as it spoke, “We were never meant to be friends,” she snarled at the duck, “everything you do is a lie. You walk around like it is not in my nature to devour you.” The fox said as it barred its fangs.

“Your right, Fox,” said the duck, “but I know no other way to act around you. I know you love me and would never want to hurt me… I literally know no other way.”

As the duck lowered his head to take another drink from the spring, the fox, unable to control itself further, lunged forward at the unsuspecting duck with its mouth wide open, planting her teeth into the naive ducks neck, pinning the duck to the ground. She tasted the ducks blood as it ran from the corners of her mouth and she felt her primal instincts take over….. she shook the duck violently by his neck. For one moment…. she flashed back to how it used to be between them and released the grasp on the wounded ducks neck and watched his limp body flying towards the spring, then slowly float lifeless down the spring.. far out of her site.

The duck didn’t die, he pulled himself out of the spring and sought help from the other ducks. At last the duck realized the fox could not continue to hide her true nature. It was her instinctual reaction. It was all she truly knew. That destroyed the duck. Flesh wounds were not nearly as severe as the ones to his heart. From that, the duck would never fully recover. He would never be who he was on the last day he saw the fox.

But the other ducks helped him… he eventually found happiness. No he sought happiness.

One thing for sure.

THAT DUCK WILL NEVER TRY TO FUCK ANOTHER FOX AGAIN

Stupid fucking duck!

Won’t You Be My Neighbor….

I have not written in a while. I was uninspired. I was sad. As a matter of fact, I had dug myself into a pit of udder fucking misery, deeper than even I had realized.

Now, please understand, I have not been suicidal. I don’t even know if I would have the courage to take my own life. But I wished, very much, that some force beyond my control would have stepped in and punched my card for me. I was even selfish, horrifically uncaring, shamefully thoughtless in my desire to be taken out… I didn’t give a fuck if others had to be killed with me for it to happen, so long as it wasn’t my friends or family. I was disgusting. But sadly, that is what pain and depression does to a lot of us.

By the time I realized how deep I had my self down, I was neck deep in my own piss, shit and vomit. And I couldn’t even see the top of this hole. Not something I can dig out of. Initially, I always try to claw my way out. I do it until my fingers are raw and bloody….. and still I have gotten nowhere. My best progress comes when I build hand holds to lift myself out. I do that by creating “my next right steps”.

Now I could ask someone to throw rope down to help me out. *Gaaaag!*I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I mention asking for help. I rarely do. I fear the debt it would create, the weakness it would show, and “What would people think of me!?”

Y’all need Jesus, and Mr. Rogers

Fred Rogers embodies what most people need in their lives, in a human form. Kind, caring, accepting, understanding and unashamed about it. He actually cares. I need that in my life.

The deep and meaningful is far better than the simple and shallow.

When we talk about our feelings they become less overwhelming, less upsetting and less scary.

Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us, as a matter of course, uttered just one kind word to another person.

Sometimes slow is better in understanding, and learning to be patient, in going deeper spiritually.

Often when you think you are at the end of something you’re at the beginning of something else.

All brilliant, simple, prophetically deep, and meaningful quotes of Mister Fred Rogers.

That and the unforgettable:

I like you, just the way you are.

I always assumed that was utter bullshit. He was actually very true to that. But I have a hard time believing that anybody could like me “just the way I am”.

I am flawed. I’m full of angst. I am selfish. I am also confused. Disenfranchised. I make myself my own Island. I compartmentalize. I keep parts myself far from the public eye.

I am also caring, I’m also loyal. I always wish to leave situations better than they were when I enter them. I find enjoyment in giving without expectations. Whether it’s my time or my labor. Financially when I can. I find a light in just giving a kind word to a passing stranger. The smile on their face brightens my day.

My heart tells me that inherently I am a good person. My head won’t have me believe that. But these truths I find self-evident.

1. I feel

2. I hurt

3. I bleed

4. I am a human, being, in each moment, as flawed as I was created, the best me I know how to be.

I’m told Jesus loves me, maybe Fred Rogers actually liked me… just how I am.

Thank God for good friends, live music and libations!

Village Idiot Strikes Back 

IN A UNIVERSE NOT SO FAR AWAY………

DUMMMMM….DA DUMMMB DUMMMMMMMB DA DA DA DUMMMMMB DUMMMMMB

Well you get the point. We as men pride ourselves on having a razor sharp wit amongst our peers, our brothers, our comrades…. to possess the ability to launch a verbal assault, attacking their virility, intelligence, sexual prowess (or lack of), sexual preference, their mothers morality  (again, or lack there of), is something that can make legends of otherwise weak men. 

If the verbal slander is witty, sharp, and fast as a speeding bullet, even the target of the disparaging assembly of vowels and constinants will concede in a gentleman manner with a “Wow, that was a good one.. I’m… I’m. … speechless. You got me real good.”  Generally this is followed by some laughter, and more often than not, a slap on the back, or a firm sincere handshake or high-five, PROVIDING it falls into the following criteria: 

1. Relevancy – you cannot just fire some random fuck up of theirs from 10 years ago if it is does not pertain to the the matter at hand.

2. Stinging burn, with no physical show of remorse or pride…. has to be ninja-like. Stone faced..

3. Must show intelligence… anyone can attack a mom or wife… that is child’s play.

4. An attack of ones integrity, moral character, or self image or either of the previous combined,  is the most prolific assault…. and certainly noteworthy.

So those are the rules set forth. There is also an unspoken rule, one known to most men who have even a thimbleful of intelligence. One’s female love interest is not fair game. No matter how cool she may seem. No matter how expansive the banter is with said interest. And for the love of God, whatever you do, never ever ever do it on social media. If you do it amongst a group of friends in a public setting…. It may result in a very quiet, or very non quiet ride home that night.

Do it on social media? That will result in at least 24 hours silence. Followed by the release of the Kraken…

I used to have a Jiminy Cricket. Poor bastard set on my shoulders for years getting flicked off and crawling back up my pant leg to mount a spot on my shoulder right next to my ear. That poor little prick, crawled back up there time and time again for nearly 12 years. But by year 13, he was smart enough to know that I was not going to fucking listen. 

So I digress, moral of the fucking story here is as follows:

1. Women are delicate flowers and should be treated as so.

2. If you want to talk shit about them, do it in the bedroom as your mounting them as if they were your trusted steed, or in solitude with your most trusted friends…..

BUT NEVER, EVER ON SOCIAL MEDIA…THAT’S FOR YOU DUMB ASS DAN.

Sorry

She’s got beautiful eyes Part One

People all the time ask me what type of girl I go for. Dan what IS your type?

Well I don’t have a physical type. Yeah I switch back and forth from preferring redheads to blondes to brunettes.

There are moments where I am attracted to skinnier women. Sometimes even a few extra pounds, if you pack it well, is not a put off. The curves can be quite appealing. Sometimes I love the fit muscular look on women, as long as it is not over pronounced and manly looking.

Eeek!!!!

And I have been with some very beautiful women. But I am the master of pinpointing some minut flaw and making it a glaring defect in my mind.

My type you ask? Broken. Broken, with a beautiful soul and a beautiful heart. Completely emotionally unavailable. And I see the Brokenness when I look into your eyes. I see the distrust when you look at me. And let me tell you crazy usually accompanies that.

You might wonder how I can see Brokenness when I look into your eyes. I see myself. You want me to go batshit crazy for you? Withdraw. And guess what happens if you reciprocate my affections. I, in turn, withdraw.

When I get too much time by myself I become very introspective. Which is a good thing because I have learned a lot about me. I also tend to write more when my soul is crushed. I don’t really desire to be in a happy healthy relationship. It’s not my type of challenge. It appears I will spend the rest of my life in the eternal cat-and-mouse game, if you will.

The ones who truly love me and pursue me, I brand them as a stalker, crazy, there must be something wrong with this person. I create the illusion that they’re insane. And has that ever served me well. Here I sit amidst another broken heart and shattered dreams, and wondering what is wrong with me…. And feeling as if I have an entire book within me.

And through a little soul-searching I think the reason for this is two-part

Learning young that women leave

At the age of 17 my house got split in two. My mom cut me out of her life for the next 15 years. I know that had a profound effect on me. Yet at the end of the 15 years, when she pursued a relationship with me, I no longer desired it. And I walked away… I think me not wanting a relationship with her after all that time as part of the self-preservation mechanism.

My mother, when I was a child, was a role model Mom. Very tender and affectionate. Both parents needed to work to sustain the household. But she always insured she was able to work from home. Over the years that began to change. The oldest of five, I’m sure by the fifth one she began to get tired. That coupled with consistent problems with her and my father’s relationship she went into depression. She was also deeply spiritual, she saught God in many different ways. She got involved in a very bizarre cult that eventually ripped my family in two. Her gradual exit started when I was about sixth grade. Not so ironically the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I had my first real heavy crush.

Cindy had moved in directly next door. She was stacked!!!

And it was not long till she and I were officially dating. My first-ever girlfriend, first ever French kiss over the chain link fence that divided our two yards, first under the shirt and under the bra feel. We were always holding hands hugging. They had an above ground pool and we soaked in the pool holding each other. There were nights of slow dancing in the basement. Listening to albums from the 50s and 60s. And the endless making out. I need to thank her someday for teaching me how to kiss. And it seemed like that relationship had gone on forever, when in fact, it was only 3 months long. In all that I also experienced jealousy for the first time. And at the end of that summer my first-ever real heartbreak. I was crushed.

Entering in the 7th grade, I would see her standing around her friends giving me the occasional eye.

I was going to show her. And all the while make a name for myself. So I sought out the bad kids. Picked up smoking. Even started smoking weed that year.

Yeah I showed her all right. Seventh grade was a huge transition from grade school. I was an outcast in grade school and became a stoner in Junior High. Making a new name for myself creating a new person. I gave up baseball and never persued sports after that.

Mom’s activities with a crazy cult began to infiltrate the household. Mom and Dad’s fights got more and more severe. As well as dad’s drinking. My home life was an embarrassment to me. So I began to create a life outside of home and as far away from home as possible. Only the people in my neighborhood and one close friend knew of the asinine shit that happened at our house.

I made sure I always had a job of some sort or some sort of social activity to keep me out of the house. I would become head over heels with girl after girl only to become sick of them after the third week. That pattern stayed with me all the way into high school until Corey Allred.

Corey was my first real cat and mouse game that I was fully engaged in. She was my second real love. One that I never really got over. That ultimately ended in heartache as she eventually chose Mike Heinzman the local drug dealer, over me. He was pretty badass. But he had a hair lip that drove me nuts. But you didn’t fuck with him either. And he had a badass mullet to go with his 69 Nova jacked up on 50s. I didn’t see Corey at all After High School until around 97. We ran into each other at a bar and flirted all night. Hung out a few times after that and then she had to moved back to Washington State. I had her email and phone number. And she dropped off the Earth shortly after that. She got married and had a couple of kids. She died in a car accident a few years later. That’s why she disappeared on me. I didn’t find out until about 8 years after she died. And I was crushed.

Brenda I met my senior year. I had finished my first rehab stint I met her and her best friend at an Alcoholics Anonymous dance. She was cute as fuck. She had a smile that won me over immediately.

She was already graduated from high school a year ahead of me. She was my first fuck as well. The subject of marriage came up after our second month of dating and her getting pregnant. We were officially engaged. She miscarried. And was pretty choked up about it. She took a new job and started disappearing from my life. Turns out she started dating her boss David. A short, fat, balding beady-eyed maggot of a man who owned a traveling telemarketing business. She ended up running away with him, and after doing a lot of acid she changed her name to Ashley. I think it’s safe to say I dodged a bullet on that one.

I finished high school with a revolving door dating lifestyle. In that time my parents had gotten divorced and things got pretty fucking crazy. I was now living with my dad and my younger brother and sister. My dad was an over-the-road truck driver so that revolving door started swinging pretty fast.

Enter Barb .

She moved to Billings Montana from Chicago to live with her brother, who also owned the local porn shop in town. To say she was wild was a bit of an understatement. Hers was the first shaved pussy I’ve ever seen in my life. And I was enthralled. But after 3 or 4 weeks of banging like bunnies, my interest waned. But Lord was she fun. I had Bon Jovi style hair down to my ass. And attention from all sorts of different women. She was by far the hottest. But the game got old. Soon after graduation I moved in my own place. I was dating three women simultaneously until I got caught.

I wish I still had that energy.

I started dating Jennifer exclusively. She was incredibly sweet and extremely sexy.

I would say she is a white buffalo. The One That Got Away. Or I pushed her away. Again with the traps of boredom in dating. I was fickle and fucked up. She had pretty bad issues at home. So she would come to my place frequently cook dinner, clean house, she was amazing. Being a dumbass Punk of a kid, I just simply stopped answering her phone calls.

Then came Laura B. She will only called by that because I don’t want to spread nasty gossip about her. I met her at work, I was really interested in her. She was still a senior in Catholic High School. She seemed innocent and very very sweet. We weren’t going to have sex because we wanted to make a relationship work with us. Her parents were high-end realtors in Montana, and did not like me…. long-haired filthy Punk with a 1970 Chevelle jacked up and loud as hell. When I would pick her up at her house for a date, her mom would only crack the door and say Laura will be down shortly. We did it for a little over a month and I came into work one day her best friend said, “Dan, I got to tell you something. We got drunk last night at the Billings Mustangs baseball game, we went out with the team afterwards for a party. Laura slept with the team, I shit you not 7 guys off the baseball team.”

Fuck me….

Marianne Westermark would be the last girl I dated seriously prior to getting married. We have been dating for 3 months when I decided to make the move to Washington State. She wanted to finish up High School and then meet me there. She never finished high school, she wound up swallowing a bottle of pills and drinking a bottle of wine a month after I had moved. I had talked to her that day on our weekly call. Long-distance was expensive back then and that’s what we had set up. She didn’t say anything about being depressed or sad or angry or anything. No suicide note no nothing. She was found in her basement not breathing covered in her own vomit. Some people say it was an argument with her parents that caused it but nobody really knows. It fucked my head for a long time. I carried her obituary around in my pocket for 4 years. I got a phone call from her best friend a week after it happened.

To be continued…..

Dream a little dream

Rarely has a woman said, “He is so perceptive”.

Our radar as men is so off, and in every direction.

As a matter of fact we’re god-damned ignorant. I’m not even sure at what point I chose to ignore the obvious. It is entirely the fault of John Hughes and John Cusack. The romantic gets the girl..

I can’t even blame them, this, this lays solely on me. The Never Say Die, persistence will pay off attitude, it’s not always realistic. Especially after fucking up to the degree I had. There is no coming back.

Maybe if I…..

NO DAN!!!! Put the boom-box down and slowly walk back to your vehicle!

This one cut deep. I’ve been searching for the words, but there are none. I knew all the while what I was facing, I thought I could win her heart back. If she could only see my heart. If she knew what she meant to me…. all lies we tell ourselves. You cannot change the way a person feels about you. You can’t. There is something about honesty while being naked sitting together in the bottom of the shower…. weird how the truth comes out.

Bless her heart (I don’t mean this in a southern way either), she tried. She allowed me to put my time in, she thought, maybe hoped, that she would feel the same about me once again. She was honest with me all along… but we haven’t talked about it for a few months, though. We drifted further apart. I regret nothing, I had put my all into it and was honest to a fault…… and truth be told, my own affections over the past several weeks have been waning.

We have said many good-byes. This one was definitely different. This one was more permanent. This one’s done. I know we will always be in and out of one another’s lives, but on a different level. Just not as lovers. And if I ever consider opening that door again, somebody PLEASE, hit me with an aluminum baseball bat.

And through all of this, it’s giving me hope. I will not choose to throw myself into a bunch of different beds to cover the pain. I will process it, I will experience it, and I will grieve it. The good thing about pain is is creates growth. I’ve definitely grown over the past year. I no longer seek to live my life alone. However I will not settle. I’m going to be more selective and perhaps a bit more guarded. I know what I bring to the table, and I know my worth. I deserve nothing less than what I put in. So no, no settling for this guy.

She is a good woman, there are none others like her. And that doesn’t mean there isn’t something better out there for me. She is one of a kind and will forever be a part of my story. And Tennessee whiskey will never sound the same…. for now it will be a bittersweet song to hear. Hipster Cocktail Party is off my Pandora, shame too, it’s a great station.

Life is a rollercoaster, an amazing ride. The ups, the downs, the thrills, and the twists and turns…. all makes it a great ride.

My heart indeed is broken. But I’m not going to wallow in that sorrow. I’ll take a deep breath here and there and look up to the sky, allow myself to feel in a moment, but be careful not to dwell in it.

Take care, Boo. (Ps. I hate that nickname)

I’d be remiss to not sign at the end of this.

I am still:

Dan, 48, still Destination Unknown

Just an update:

03/31/18. I never gawddamn learn.. but the callous skin eases the pain.

Can I get a big fuck you!?!?

Alligators in the moat

Self-preservation is an instinctual thing. Especially to those of us who have been hurt the most. We finally make the decision that we’re not going to let that happen again. So we deploy every protection method available to ourselves. We even create protection devices. Our own weaponry. Something that automatically fires when we don’t even realize it is happening.

As children, we experience hurt often. I remember a dream I used to have often as a child. I was in a meadow. A clearing in the forest. It was warm there. Surrounded by trees on all sides and beautiful blades of tall grass that were gently swaying back and forth in the summers breeze. It was comfortable and peaceful in the center. Trees that surrounded me represented the unknown. After a time, I wanted to wander towards the forest. Every time I would make my way to the edge of the meadow, a large hideous Beast would swiftly go to the area I was walking towards. I couldn’t see anything but I felt its presence. I would make my way to the other side of the clearing. And the Beast again swooped in. I was trapped in this Meadow. I couldn’t leave. The fear of something I couldn’t actually see, kept me from leaving my comfort area. In my dreams I never left that clearing. And the beauty of the meadow became dreary and cold. I would never know if in fact that hideous Beast I had imagined wasn’t something else stuck in the dark, seeking comfort from something in the light. Fear kept me from seeing that. The fear that the beast intended to hurt me, kept me to the confines of that meadow.

In my adult life, I have only opened myself to others a handful of times. I have built my castle. Surrounded it with a moat. Loaded it with alligators so that only the people I want in can come in. Ironically the only way in is the drawbridge that I can drop. This drawbridge is full of landmines, spikes, darts and many, many obstacles, that they unknowingly encounter. This is not something I do with intent.

Enter pre-determine self-sabotage.

I am a gregarious person, I really enjoy the company of people. The more the merrier. I actually prefer groups to one on one interaction. One on one is for select few people. I used to be a very trusting person, assumed the best of everyone. Over time, some have shown me their true colors, that and the accumulation of skeletons in my closet, leads me to be distrusting of others.

Well let’s not look in there okay?

While I am fully aware that my feelings towards others is a reflection of how I see myself, I know that I am actually a very trustworthy person. I’m not a gossip. I don’t share other people’s business with anyone else. when I choose to love somebody I am faithful, loyal, determined and fierce. There is nothing I won’t do for the other person. Still, there is something I don’t trust within myself.

One of the experiences that had the most impact on my opinion of people was involving my second ex-wife. At a point in our relationship she felt unhappy and uncared-for, she chose to have a textual emotional affair with out feeling one bit bad. She was completely unapologetic. And even admitted it. What’s worse is it was with an ex-boyfriend that she would regularly flaunt in front of me when she felt I was not giving her the right amount of attention..

She would actually lay in bed next to me texting this guy until 3 or 4 in the morning at times. I’m pretty sure that is the point where I completely checked out of the relationship. I made half-hearted attempts after that, but I never really trusted her again. Then there were rumors. And while we were married, her own mother wanted her date several other people. The ferrier, other trainers, to say the least I wasted my love on a fucked situation. Compile that with the fact that her work took her out of town for weeks at a time. And I would go 5 or 6 days without hearing from her, not so much a text or call. “Too busy”, she always told me. If i called or text her it was only met with a stern chastened tone. Given the information that I had. It was quite a mind-fuck. To this day she still maintains she never cheated on me.

That is, if you don’t count the hot tub kiss she had while out of town, but she was just “testing” him.

Whether that is true or not, I’m not quite sure. But in my head she probably did. The core of the sin lays in the heart, or the intent. The deed is merely follow through.

Love they say is truly blind, so my blinders were removed September of 2013. That’s the final time we filed for divorce and I stuck to it.

So now the challenge for me moving forward in my life. Is learning to trust again. That is a difficult thing to do. On any level. I know for sure I will not get suckered like that ever again.

This sucker was born May 31st 1969.

Never again.

Dear God, your irony is not lost on me.

Pastor Dan, youth minister.

My life has been a folly.

(but not a Matt Foley)
Recently, on a Saturday afternoon, post Thanksgiving, on a long drive, alone again, I began considering things spiritual. My spirituality, other peoples spirituality, and how that all intermingled. I stumbled into one of my favorite coffee shops in the Ashburn area. As I order my coffee, the Barista smiles and said this is going to be an odd question. I told her to fire away, and then she asked me if I was a youth pastor. She said you seem cool, like a youth pastor, lots of energy ..like a youth pastor and, well, just the face of a youth pastor.

What does a youth pastor look like?

Maybe she is just into youth pastors.

I chuckled a little bit, as I thought to myself how far away I was from a youth pastor. The first thought in my head was the Apostle Paul. He once stated, and I paraphrase, that I am the sinner of sinners. I thought of that, as I totally relate. As far away as I am from the youth pastor, her guess was not that far off.

Not to say that I am Pious like a youth pastor, or deeply rooted in Scripture. But she spoke to my heart. Or maybe she saw my heart. When I was an “on fire Christian”….. I wanted to become involved in Ministry. And the two areas were youth pastor, or marriage ministry. On both fronts, I completely failed in my personal life. Many of my frequent prayers have been, stated in a minimalist manner, “Lord, show me my greatest weakness.”

3 agnostic children and 2 failed marriages later, here I sit.

Those are glaring side effects of the underlying causes.

Trust. Follow-through. Compromise. Greed. Lust. Weakness. This list could go on and on and I could rip myself to shreds. I could write a riveting tell-all of How Not To….. well you can fill in the blanks of subjects ad nauseum .

Why today? Why after my thoughts drifted off to God? Why Me? And why has that conversation ran through my mind over and over. Dear God, it’s me, Daniel….

Two and a half years on the “Boom-Boom” wagon, schlepping my way from bed to bed and lying my way from woman to woman… whiskey stiffled my conscience enough to feel ok about it (only till the drink or feeling faded away) so that i could keep up my game of “port bingo”. It all stiffled my spirituality as well. Kinked the God conduit if you will.

I used to hear Him.. not so much in the audible sense, but in murmurs to my soul, a gentle guiding hand. Answers to questions. Those lines have gone silent. Not so much as busy signal or dial tone. Matters of the flesh has overtaken that. Concerns of worldy clammerings have superseded my spiritual pursuits. And man, it’s fucking loud in my head.

https://youtu.be/yV21TcbeAfY

I still talk to God however. and I no longer play Beach Blanket Bingo. Meaningless sex has lost its luster. It’s difficult to pretend you’re somebody else for long periods of time. It becomes exhausting and even more so, expensive as hell. It took its toll on me physically, mentally, financially and spiritually.

It was something I had done to hide the pain. I used to keep track of the numbers as a badge of honor. It was a joke amongst my circles of friends. A bragging right for myself, and endless locker room stories.

The numbers have faded away. I really have to sit down and think it through to come up with an approximate number. I have a lot of shame regarding those conquests I used to relay to my colleagues and friends in lewd graphic detail.

Youth pastor…. I think not. Fallen angel, wayward wanderer. Maybe. Think I’ll go to church today. Well on second thought I have a lot of driving to do. I’ll do it later

When scars are all that remain

My hand was hurting today. Maybe it was the cold. Along the outside of my left hand is a scar. It’s directly down from my pinky. No-one else would recognize it as a scar, it blends in with the rest of the lines in my palm. A few months ago it was a cut, severed my nerves, but spared my tendon.

The pain brought attention to it. As I looked at it, I looked up towards my pinky to see if there was any discoloration, anything that would show signs of poor circulation or whatnot. As I looked at the back of my hand, I noticed on the finger that used to carry my wedding ring, there’s no longer an indentation. Something that was familiar to me for several years. All that remains where my wedding ring used to sit, is a scar, where I once welded my ring and my watch to the positive post on my alternator and a motor mount of my Suzuki Samurai. There is also a scar where I used to wear my metal watch on my left hand.

It brought back memories when I used to stare down at that ring and spin it around my finger with my thumb. It was something that was always there, something that always brought to mind my wife. Well ex-wife now of nearly 4 yrs. Where no longer is there a callous from a ring, only scar remains.

I remember the pain that was there before the scar ever came to be. And it’s not even as vivid as it once was. It’s a fleeting memory.

It brought to mind the pain I would experience when I looked at that finger and see that wedding ring was gone. There was a time it was almost unbearable. It was excruciating to me. And now only a fleeting memory. I would recall the love the ring once serve as a reminder of. That memory too, has faded.

One I fought so long to hold on to, has simply dissipated. So too, has the scar on my finger faded. It’s over 10 years old. It was way more pronounced than it is now. I rarely think of the day that happened. And I can’t quite remember the pain I actually felt from that wound.

Much the same way as old hurts, wounds, and scars. They seem to fade away with time. You think less and less of them. I guess that just bears proof that our hearts and minds heal much the same way as our body does. As the memory of that pain slips away, the less cautious I become….

I’m not quite certain that is a good thing. I guess, perhaps, I dont learn very good.

Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore..

I met her in a hotel parking lot, not very romantic I know. But when you travel, and live life in a Hilton property (destination unknown), it is as close to inviting someone to your house as it gets.

 WE had linked up days earlier… one of those meet up and no-holds-barred dating sites… we maintain it was farmers only….. dot com. But for the purpose of this story, TINDER (meet and fuck if you can’t run away with a good excuse… ie. My car got hit by lightning). She had her out people.. exhibit A. States defense… I rest my case.

She was charming to say the least. And her profile contained pictures of her fishing on the beach, mountian landscapes, and one of her in a t-shirt with the phrase “Biscuits and Porn”. Well sign me the fuck up!!

 I was quite hesitant to meet, initially. Our banter via text and the dating website was amazing, hysterical, and addictive. I found myself checking my phone often to see if maybe she dropped a line. I definitely was not in search of a relationship. I was set on living my jet-set, playboy, man-whore lifestyle. So this caught me off guard.
  

We had finally decided to meet. She was coming to me. Smart choice because she could run. As she well should have…. I was veritable shitshow at that point. Still aching from my divorce, licking my wounds, extremely hurt, and still in love. 

She texts me to inform me she has pulled into the parking lot. So I light another smoke and try to compose myself. Now mind you, 20 minutes earlier, I was trying to pet a possum thinking it was a cat.. 

I have since got glasses.

 I mentioned before that she had an out, her car had been hit by lightning. It was a sign. She drove down in a white Toyota Camry. It was a rental. She was wearing a badass pleather jacket. We were both nervous, so we stood outside of the hotel, smoking, giggling a little bit, and sharing in nervous laughter. It was raining outside. And it was kind of cold. But every time I looked into her pools of blue, I was enchanted, and forgot all about the cold.

After 15 minutes I couldn’t take anymore, I placed my right hand on her left cheek and said, “I need to see something”. 

I kissed her…. 

Wow..

Fuck!

That kiss was something, I definately felt a connection. Instead of putting me at ease, which I thought it would, I became twice as nervous. My hands trembled and I had a hard time catching my breath. On the exterior, I am sure I radiated pure confidence, charm, charisma and nerves of steel. I am usually exemplorary in the well taylored art of keeping emotions caged.

We laughed alot that night, we sat on the floor eating pizza we had ordered out………. Amongst other things. It was definitely not my usual date. 

(This actually comes later.)

She kept me engaged, far beyond the sex. I fell asleep that night with her laying beside me. I was content, happy, and at peace with my inner demons for the first time in a long time. When I woke the next morning she was gone. What usually would have had me relieved, had me somewhat disappointed. Usually I shrug it off, that saves me the awkward goodbye and walking her out to her car. 
I waited a good 15-20 minutes before I would send her a casual text. I AM fucking cool like that. 

Thankfully she did not leave, planning ahead, she got a room in the same hotel. We went out for lunch. Our next date we went fishing. After that we went to a bird preserve. Then we went kayaking. Every date seemed easier than the other. I wanted to learn everything about her. She was a great distraction from the pain I was still feeling from my divorce.

I felt very at ease with this gorgeous, intelligent woman. She was a smart ass like me. We could walk into a room full of stranger’s and walk out with a room full of friends. We were so much alike in so many ways. Intimacy was very easy, that is until July 4th. 

In the throws of passion during an “afternoon delight”, she had said something I’d mistaken as I love you. Not even sure to this day what she said, but it was spoke softly, and sweet, whispered right into my ear.
“I love you too” 😲😲😲😱😱

 (nooooooooooooooo!!)

I couldn’t believe I was hearing the words coming out of my mouth. You dumbass!  And of course I immediately lost my erection. Something that would not return for the rest of the evening, even though she tried.

Did I feel that way? Yes. Absolutely yes. But way too soon for both of us. Needless to say the afternoon’s  hibbity bibbity came to an abrupt halt. We talked about it for a little bit. I frightened her, I absolutely terrified myself. We agreed to drop it for the time being….

Our next few outings together we tried to brush that incident aside. Speaking of it very little. And things went kind of back to normal. As normal as things can be when two people are around each other and pretend there’s not a huge giant fucking Elephant in the middle of the room.

Our next date was Disney World. Florida with my daughter and her friend for my daughters birthday…… and my new friend. An opportunity for her to have a glympse into my life. It was alot of fun, except next time I am picking the park that serves booze!! 

(I am so much more entertaining with a few drinks)

I found myself enjoying doing things with this woman. I could also see myself getting use to sharing my life with her… shortly after that I started to do things to push her away. SHE SCARES ME!!

See ya!!!!!

There has been alot of ups and downs in the last year and a half, mostly me, being a complete prick (largely out of fear of commitment,  or rather fear of hurt). I still find myself recoiling now and then. I can’t help it completely. 

There is so much to add here, as a matter of fact, the amount of details I have spared is alarming. To be truthful, I have been working on this little blog for a few months.

Writers block?

Nah! Well, maybe a little. I think subconsciously, I don’t want this story to end.

Fuck me! I am in unfamiliar territory, a stranger in a strange land. A land that on good days, the colors are even more brilliant and landscapes are breathtaking. Nearly surreal. 

Bad days, well, everything is in just slightly varying shades of grey, no real contrast, no real color, and everything runs together.

Surprising how just a few heart-felt sweet words from her can change the grey almost instantaneously.  And THAT scares the absolute fuck out of me!

I need a brain, I need a heart, and I need a little courage. 

Where the fuck is Dorothy and them fucking red slippers!?!?! Get to clicking bitch, I wanna go home.

IDGAF … and other common lies

My god …..I’ve been wondering when my next story was going to come to me. Sitting here watching HBO after hours, not a glorious life. Just heard Lenny Kravitz singing “AGAIN”. Probably one of my favorite love songs ever. There is a yearning, a desire, a passion. And then what I’m assuming is the Sex in the City movie comes on.

Most moments of my life are lived in my internal dialogue. I’m still a man on the exterior. I can do anything you set before me. Except after 35 years of smoking, a 10-mile hike is a little out of my league…. but I’ll get there again. However I can build shit, and I can make love like a motherfuker. No pun intended.

I am a modern-day man, somewhat Metro, somewhat brash, way too honest, with just a dash of Sex in the City. That last part, yeah, way out there. I’ve been a romantic since I watched my first John Hughes movie. Most of you probably won’t even get it. But Weird Science, it formed me. The idea that you can make, and then meet your ideal woman has gripped most of my life. It is no secret, I absolutely love women. Their shape, their form, their softness. I crave it ,I miss it, I need it. I have been entangled in so many “chance encounter conversations”. In hotel lobbies, airport bars, intense conversations with a thought in the back of my mind, “Could she be the one?” I can literally write a book about it. And perhaps one day I will.

And then there were the random sex-capades. Just a way to get out of my own head, to avoid the actual feelings. Make myself more visceral. I mean, really life is about the moments, correct?

Someday I am going to be the machismo, love story novelist. Kind of a Guy Fieri, culinary-ist, master of words. Or perhaps a Anthony Bourdain mixed with a little Mark Twain. Satirist meets World Traveler. I often wonder. Why is it so difficult for me to meet “The One”. And in a way, I already think I have. I play it quaint, I play it strong and I play it hard. She knows my intention and she is so fucking coy.

I find it odd how I identify was so many different types of writers. And people from so many different walks of life. Sometimes I question whether or not I know my true self… yet, however I do …and if I ever meet myself in a female version, it’s on. And actually I have. As I said earlier. I know how scared she is, cuz so am I. And still I choose to silence that reserve, that frightened voice inside my head that says “Don’t do it! The last time almost killed you. You don’t have another in you.” And perhaps I don’t. This could be the one that kills my heart forever. That turns me into a callus old man. You know that one who thwarts every woman’s warmness. Greets every smile with caution. And believe me, I do not want to be that guy. There is a tenderness inside of me that most women crave, and she has seen all of it. Her friends have seen all of it. I’ve made myself open to a fault. I have literally exposed my jugular to her fangs.

Bless her heart. She holds on knowing there are not many like me. She is afraid to let go, and maybe deep down she does not feel the way I do. Maybe she wants to.

And I am not the type of man who sits there waiting for a woman to fall in love. And yet here I sit. Quite a convoluted life I live.

Then I question ….am I truly in love?

So you kind of have to figure out, is the risk associated with love, worth the vulnerability that you endure. It is something that I continually Ponder, all the while, sitting here, in love. And the problem is, I think rationally after the fact.

I have, a long time ago, determined that love equals pain. And if that is the entirety of the mathematical equation, I choose whiskey. So I “think”

Heart trumps head…

Set

Point

Match

And I’m good…mostly

I’m muddling my way through life.. more accurate I am trying to find my place. Three years on the road has been an adventure. But there comes a time when it starts becoming invasive in your personal life. Meaning you really can’t have one. Not that I want to stop traveling for work entirely. But I need to create a more established-set-type schedule.

God works in mysterious ways. We are taught to believe that. Perhaps to explain death or the bad things that happen in life. But that is not entirely true. He has very intentional signals. I was lost… He sent me on the road to find myself. Listen, and you can hear His voice. I say Him, because that’s what I grew up hearing. God is beyond gender, beyond human emotion. God is everything. The flowers and landscapes I photograph, the heartbreak I write about, the young man that died trying to bring a family in need a little extra money. God is great… God is sorrow.

God IS brokeness. Breath, and think about that one. How else can we, or I, be brought to hear that whisper in the forest, that nudging of your soul. That final voice that says “LEAP MUTHERFUCKER!!!”

I don’t believe HE is insulted by cuss words. I don’t think God judges us by random vowels and constinants. I believe God does not want us to curse him or others… its in the heart.

Most of all, God is good. 

Me? I am corrupt, I am broken, I am lost. I was born with a lustful heart. A greedy soul. I am…. mortal. I am here to snatch up everything, or experience I can. 

Or am I? Can I not give as I learn. Contribute Me? Understand that I am worthy … worthy to give? There is something this broken soul has to offer others?

Oooooooo…. I broke my own bubble. I choose to pursue.. I am worthy. I have so much to offer. Really I do….but fuck… we are all broke. If you show too much confidence.. you’re a narcissist.  To little, low self esteem. If you know all the answers, you are a liberal snowflake, and you are gonna cry when your protests get hit with yelling officers telling you you cannot break the Starbucks window. Just cry rape, after all.. that meanie cop is probably a prostate owner, and he probably wants to invade your feminine jewel with his male nastiness… or something to that effect. 

Feminism wins again. What happened to boy meets girl. He holds her hand, wins her heart and doesn’t rape or cheat on her.

I digress. 

People, above all.. God is love..and God inhabits us all.. We all have experience to share.  My sin?!?! Gawd it is simple. I love people. To… A ….FAULT

Hurt me… cheat on me…. reject me. Anything else, I assume there is something wrong with you. Love me?!?!? I’m gone.

That is my curse

Final steps

When it’s your time, it’s your time. I just spent two days in and out of a sorrow filled and somber hospital setting. One of my closest dearest friends is losing her husband to cancer that started in the kidney and has consumed his body. They found out too late.

As stated before I like to bitch. I have absolutely no reason to at this point. My life is fairly simple and good. I complain about random things. I whine.

I bitch about liberals, I bitch about millennials. I bitch about being single. I bitch about dating.
Never have I had to complain about finding out my spouse has cheated on me. I’ve never had to complain about getting the utter hell beat out of me in New York City and being left in an alleyway for dead. I’ve not lost a parent a sibling or a partner. I’ve not had to explain to three children that their parent is going to likely die within weeks.

Andrea has had to do all of this. God bless this woman. She is a woman of fierce heart and determination by nature. She is crazy by all standards. She also loves like crazy. She is loyal in every meaning of the word. Don’t ever cross her. When her lower jaw gets set, watch out. She is about to fuck some things up. LOL! All I know is that she is a bitchen human being.

Our past is a little sketchy and dark to say the least. We’ve gone through similar experiences. We’ve done similar bad things. We slung drugs, and darkened the doorways of some pretty bad places. We both seen the glory of God and humbled ourselves before Him. As far apart as we have been, we have had parallel existences. Quite ironic from where we both came to where we are now. There was never any romantic connection. At one point we had confused our relationship and thought maybe there was. One kiss proved that wrong. Don’t ever try giving your sister a French kiss, it is weird as hell.

(Ewwwww)

Turns out we simply missed each other.

I remember one time sitting in the parking lot of our little Baptist Church with my now ex-wife and my three children. About to drop them off for their weekly Awana’s Club. And then all the sudden, right there in my headlights that were reflecting on the brick building, walks a scantily clad stripper skank.

That was my ex-wife’s description. My jaw nearly dropped as I locked eyes with Andi as she passed my truck that she recognized. To be specific it was a 1995 slate gray Ford Ranger, quad cab, with matching gray topper on the back. Watching her about burst into laughter as we locked eyes was priceless. My face remained stone rigid. It should be obvious at this point that my exwife never knew her.

I can tell stories on me and Andi all day long. Some pretty epic ones. We had a lot of fun, we’ve had a lot of laughs. We both had some pretty near-misses with our lives. God did not bring us into each other’s lives on accident.

Now I sit here watching her go through what cannot even imagine. Find her husband is dying, no medical or life insurance (In his State, he let it slip without realizing), contracting business in absolute shambles (again, he let it slip while he was sick), and three gorgeous kids about to be without their daddy. I got to meet Mikey, beautiful young lady, whose heart and soul beams out at you through her eyes. She melted my heart. She IS her mother’s daughter. Andi is pretty fucked with this handful. But God bless her, she also has Andi’s heart and clear sense of reality.

(This kid is a rockstar)

David accepted his fate yesterday after seeing the oncologist, finally. The answers that no-one wants.

Terminal, untreatable. Fin’.

The only thing he asked of Andi was a pass. A pass to slip away. He is tired and in pain. I think his query had a little more to it than just that. I think as well he was asking for a pass for his transgressions, past indiscretions….. forgiveness at the very least. I saw the love in his eyes. He is far from a perfect human being. But he loves her, and I also sensed his regret.

A tearful Andi met me in the smoking area, asking me how long she has to keep being strong.

Baby, be weak. Be weak as hell, breakdown, cry, scream, yell, stomp your gawddamn feet. This is not the time to be strong. Time to love your family, hug, ask for help, ask for alone time. Save your strength for when it is time to pick up the pieces and carry on. Loss is hell, in any circumstance. LEAN ON EVERYONE YOU CAN. You don’t always have to be the “Bad Ass Bitch” we know you are.

(Bottle of wine under a desk seems oddly comforting)

No one knows the amount of sand in our hour glasses…. don’t take any grain for granted. Love… above all else, just love.

And always remember this dear sister, we are all His children…

Love you Miss Thang!

It’s never what you think it was

Slap my ass and call me Mary, or Mandy,  or Susan.

Who has been out there wandering aimlessly, on the streets, in life, or in your head?

  • FUCK YOU!  Do not interrupt me! I’ve wandered…. All…. Of…. My…. Life. Here I am. Blind luck, stupidity, or a karmic preemptive strike.

So let me tell you some shit. You believe your soul is crushed.. you’re eternally damaged…. filthy rags…not worthy.

I… I am alone, unworthy.. I am exceptionally damaged. Unlike anyone else…

I     WILL     NEVER     LOVE    AGAIN.
Don’t be a bitch.
You let beautiful people walk away.. They are putty in your hands. .. but one person captivates your soul….. and mutherfuck!! She aint your type… dafuq!?!?!

And when I say ain’t my type.. I mean she does not bore me, get extremely irritating,  sift through my Facebook and add random friends of mine, acting like long lost friends.

(
She doesn’t invite herself … any where with me. Bitch should! Hell, I got miles and a companion pass.. travel seems fun to everybody else…. but the really busy people. To them, it is a luxury and even more so an inconvenience.

She challenges me… fuck does she challenge me.. to the point of WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Does she ever rock blue.

(Not her…but you get the idea)

Red white and blue, land of the free …home of the brave……Murica!!!

I could not have been set up, not even a little bit… not more perfectly, than this. It is in moments that we truly live our lives. Minuscule, tiny, moments. I was set up for failure. Destined to be a failure. Yet unwittingly,  I passed. Only in certain measures… but ‘fuckin a’… I passed. In spades.. flyin colors. Not-even-a-second… thought. Well maybe a dozen or so. But….  I PASSED!!!!

My type?… enter the brunette, brown skinned, brown eyed doe….she is young.. Canadian, and sexy as fuck. She approached me… she read only the entry of the story I was writing (see above) and over my shoulder. Im alone in a town full of wayward travelers. VERY…. alone. She won’t be back… So easy…

I engage her in writing. I tell her to continue. And to not discard her writings. She literally just thrown away a half a book of poetry she wrote regarding her ex-boyfriend. She is all about me at this point. Again so easy. We all share a drink and I send them on their way. Pretty simple.

This single, solitary, test I passed. I fail many others.

Not everyone is meant to be together. No matter how right it feels, how great it seems, how strongly you desire that other person. It is a simple fact of life. Not the ending I saw coming in this story…. a fitting one. A sad one.

As I sit here struggling how to finish this out, it really hit me. Not every story ends as we see it should. Such is life. We can yearn for that special ending, we can try as hard as we want to make things happen. Some things are just not in the cards. But never let it break your spirit, or your will. Never give up hope. Never say surrender. Be sad for a moment. Move on. Remember all of it, the good, the bad. It’s all part of the ride.

Chaos is so hawt!

Self-realization is an amazing thing.

There are those people who need things to be just so. They wake up the same time every day.

 They eat the same thing for breakfast. More than likely they will also read the same news source every day. They’ll reflect upon similar articles, most likely read the same sections every day. They walk out the door exactly the same time. Work is usually plotted out they know in advance of what they’re expected to do that day. They get off work at the exact same time everyday. They love punching the clock. They love the preciseness of that time.

Their work space is generally set up the same way. Pictures just so. Desk organized in just such a fashion. The same route is driven every day.

Upon returning home it will be the same thing. Walk a dog if they choose to have one, check mail. Review voice messages. They may choose to have a drink or not. Then dinner time probably at 6. Place for everything and everything in its place.

Yaaawwwnnn.

And then there are the killers.

I like to wake up every day without absolute direction. To figure out in which way, I am going to kill the day. I don’t seize it, I cut that muthafucka. 

Unfortunately this winds up with chaos in everybody’s life around me. I thrive on this. But most people cannot handle it. I find my focus when everything around me is out of control. I become centered, and nearly deadly with a kill shot. In that manner I can seize the moment. I’m pretty certain this reflects upon my upbringing. Grew up in a family of 5 with two working parents. I was the eldest, to say things were out of control and chaotic is an understatement.

I’m not saying that the type A personalities do not have Giants to slay. They do in their own way. But I happen to operate out of the norm in nearly every aspect of my life.

I suppose it could be said that I am your type S personality. Type S meaning squirrel. But for me squirrel is the random details that are running around everywhere out of control. Perhaps i would make a great squirrel herder.

I can try and make myself to appear a random superhero. Captain Chaos. However I tend to appear to everyone else more as Captain Scattered. Because every detail of my personal life runs amuck.

As I say often, The Devil Is In The Details……indeed! Chaos is my friend, my fiend, my drug. I crave a chaotic environment, until I enter the Blue Ridge Mountians. This makes total sense, I had my best summers working on my aunt and uncles ranch in Wisdom Montana. Where I sat on a rock about 500 yards from the house, overlooking the Big Hole Valley, the rivers and valley meadows, accentuated by the “Saddleback Mountian” backdrop… the Rocky mountain range. First place I experienced peace, Zen. I was approached by a five point whitetail buck, 10 point, to y’all southerners. He came to me. Ten feet away, I think he sensed my calm, my energy. We looked at each other for a few moments, he bowed down to eat grass, snorted goodbye and walked back into the woods.

 That became a life changing moment. I took up drugs, mostly weed after that summer.

But the chaos never left, it stopped bothering me, became the norm. It became a driver.. a tool.. a drug.

Realizing this has been perhaps one of the most freeing moments in my life. This is my superpower, now to go forth and use it for good.

I got this.

Doctor, heal thine own self.

“WE’VE GOT A BLEEDER!!!”

DOCTOR: ” We need a tourniquet, and 10 units of epi… Stat!”
NURSE: “Doctor, it’s a chest wound, I don’t even know where to place the tourniquet.”
DOCTOR: ” Jesus Christ we’re going to have to cut this poor fucker open. Just how in the fuck did this happen?”
VICTIM (voice weak and trembling): Doc she didn’t realize the gun she was holding was loaded. She pulled the trigger and thought nothing would happen. It’s not her fault, I put the bullets in it. She…… she didn’t mean it DOC!”
I’ve watched way too many Hospital centered dramas. I don’t even know what Epi is . But I know they always need it in the trauma center. ER, Grey’s Anatomy, hell even started with M*A*S*H as a kid. Hawkeye and Honeycutt, Sloan and Grey, I vividly recall losing Anthony Edwards to a brain tumor. It was heart-wrenching. 

R.I.P. Goose. 

I’ve watched them all go away, get written off.
Recalling Grey’s Anatomy, I always immediately go to the terminology of “my person”.  No matter how fucked-up we are, we always have “MY PERSON”.

Me, I have people. Wonderful fantastic people that I love. But do I take the time to truly cultivate those relationships? No. I stand back, metaphorically waiting for them to drop the other shoe, all the while passing them a cocked and loaded gun. Yup, I pass them the weapon, waiting for the kill shot.

That means what it sounds like…. I somehow sabotage every relationship. It is subtle and subconscious. I quit trusting as a child.

 I kept one hanger-oner for a long time.
Tom. I met him in grade school. He’s the first person I got in trouble with. He knew everything about me. With the exception of some of the darker things that I’ve told nobody.
He has tolerated alot… year long drop outs,
Drug addiction, lies, shady stories, ya… he more than proved himself. But I run.
A friend of mine, who I consider my blog mentor, told me today that I need to decide who I am writing to when I do my blogs. Otherwise they become self-indulgent and disgusting. Paraphrasing of course. Ironically she has witnessed, first-hand, my dropouts, my disappearing act. She still stands by. For the purpose of well, life in general, we’re going to consider her to be just as mentally unstable as I am, perhaps.
Well I pretty much write these for myself. A self-reflection, if you will, a mirror to put in front of myself. Or maybe… maybe.. something that I have to look at so that my thoughts are not just passing. That I can learn from myself.
I’ve currently put my family on hiatus. Very fucked up of me. I keep trying to remind myself of how I’m going to regret this one day. And I know I will. But that my friends is another story.
So back to the beginning. My life is an emergency room triage unit. For the longest time I sufficed with bandages. But over the years I ensured that the scars went deeper. That it was not just a surface wound. Maybe I figured that the deeper more severe more painful and traumatic wounds would serve as a better reminder. Maybe I thought it would protect others from me.

(colonel lingus)

I do know, perhaps better than others…. when you have a bleeder, you have to isolate the source. Cut it off if you will. I’ve cut it off so many times,
If I was hanging on a wall, I’d be called Art.
If I was laying in front of a door, you’d call me Matt.
 If I were in a lake, Bob.
Cut it off… you eventually run out of Limbs.

I’m so good with a scalpel though.

Enter Captain Oblivious

Captain Oblivious

I love the sound of a woman’s voice, calming, soothing and hypnotic…

(she is a delicate flower folks, really)

I quite enjoy those quiet moments where you sit around and talk about nothing. Often accompanied by giggling, laughter, and even giving each other a little shit. Sometimes tears follow. They could be tears of sorrow or tears of joy.

I might enjoy it too much. Sometimes I become so lost in it, it’s almost as if I I’m induced into a trance. And then I miss the details. The devil, is indeed in the detail.
I can confuse details, and dates… all sorts of horrible things that result in misunderstandings, miscommunications, and the like.
And then there’s also my internal dialogue:

“Ooo when she is done, don’t forget to tell her about this”

*”Okay this is important to her, don’t forget!”

*”Oh crap I gotta email work about whatever.”

*”Did I leave the toaster on?”

*”Did I forget to feed the Goldfish? Do I even have a goldfish?”

*”wait, what did she just say?”

Whew!!! That list goes on and on and on.

Allot of people have been misdiagnosed with ADHD. Citing the above as a big reason for it…… OH MY GOD!!!! That is COMPLETE bullshit. One of my ex-wifes brought this to my attention. It is a direct result of not putting what the other person has to say as priority over what is going on with you. And when I say you, I of course mean myself. She is really quite an intelligent person. She has a lot of insight. She’s also overly opinionated, domineering, and not one bit afraid to let you know exactly what she is thinking. I have spent years trying to argue her perspective. Very type “A”. She also comes with a tether that will eventually disrupt your entire life and relationship. HER MOM!!! (She means well.. buts is quite broken herself).

She loves her daughter, and is her only life connection. I feel bad for her.. until I reflect. Then I see:

(hi mom-in-law, how i miss you)

Hope she figures that out one day and finds her mate.

Ladies DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT!!! discount male-pattern retardation. It is a real thing. Very, very real. I know it’s nice to have a mate that reads your mind and knows your every thought and can anticipate your next action, reaction, or need.
However in over 90% of us, clairvoyance is not in our bag of tricks. We are visual creatures. Also creatures of habit. I can learn that every Sunday morning you love to wake up with a Starbucks sitting on your bedside. You like your eggs over-medium, bacon limp. I got that on lock.
However, to know the difference between, anger, hurt, frustration, or the complete “I am over this, we are through, leave me be and get over it” is not easy for me to ascertain . Again, we as men really need to have a manual, a set of directions, a goddamn roadmap if you will.
This is why I hate TV. It gives us all a very inaccurate bar in which we measure our relationships.
Enter the simple minded husband with minoot misgivings but a great heart who is wholly intuitional. It’s impractical, and even damaging. He is quite endearing, and is usually able to cutely, squirrel his way out of any misgiving.

(STOP LAUGHING, I am that smooth)

Guys:
DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS IN REAL LIFE.
Women will say this is what they want.. it’s a lie, in the situation, they really don’t.
My only recommendation is apologize, give her space, and when she’s ready to talk, you be ready, and you listen. Attempting to make excuses, logical reasons, or anything else is only going to jeopardize your health and well-being. Be supportive as possible. Be understanding as possible. This is my only go to, well that and flowers. And I even fail at my go-to. I often give reasons for my behaviour.

I’m doomed. Looks like I am making my own damn sandwich till my final days. I’ll be buying peanut butter in bulk.

(I Am David Duchovny)

iOverkill…

I put myself into strangely familiar moments. Generally I find this is out of seeking comfort or what is …. familiar.

It’s a selfinflicted mindfuck. Different people, different places, but the stage is set the same. A volatile mix of preimptave failure and self assured destruction. It’s what I know.
I’ve toyed with the idea that perhaps it is a result of my own insanity. After all, doing the same thing over and over with the expectation of different results…. can I get an amen from the congregation?
Where I get my mind set on, “it’s going to be different this time”, I have no idea. It always seems so different in the beginning. This could be anything from relationships to how I fuel up my car. How approach a task at work or home. And being the creature of habit I am, it’s the same, start, middle and finish. The timeline and mundane details offer the only variables. All things that have no effect on the outcome, with the exception of for how long and how hard I suffer.

(the koolaid never comes)

When, or at what point, do I just walk away and know if I am truly going to be happy, I need to be alone. Self dependant. There needs to be no “We”. The more variables removed from the equation, the easier the problem that needs solving becomes.
Continue drifting, creating less involved, and even less demanding relationships…
Run!! Run mutha fuckah, RUN!!!!
Ctrl+alt+delete……abort!
Cannot command locked shell..system error.
Defrag

I need a system override. Rewrite my programs, a file dump if you will. Until I create a master file that overrides what my learned programming dictates, what do I have to offer.
Why so serious? No-one gets out alive

Has Colin Hay been following me around? I’ve been trying to give the muther fucker the slip.

Perspective(less)

On my drive home tonight, or rather the hotel I’m staying in this week. I was going down the road with these magnificent Rolling Hills full of trees here in North Carolina. On occasion my eyes would fix on the bare tree, the one that looked dead and has already lost all its leaves. Then when I looked out wider over the hills I could see deep green evergreens, popping out amongst limbs of brightly colored red orange yellow and pale green leaves. Then I would focus in on that bare, dead tree right in front of me, and lose sight of the rest of it. And then I would notice many more dead ugly branches in the midst of it all. What a difference changing your focal point makes.
I’m sure somewhere out there, with all this political ugliness going on, someone stopped to give a stranger a kind word and brighten their day, somebody bought the coffee for the car behind them, someone stopped and visited with a lonely, elderly person, someone quietly gave money to a family in need, two kids played in the park today that did not even notice their difference in colors. Maybe a guy bought a stranger a beer for the good conversation. I would even bet a lonely diner anonymously paid for a families dinner across the restaurant and slipped out before they knew it.
I guess my point is, we have a choice as to what we put our focus on.
Man, those hills were gorgeous in that sunset tonight, it took my breath away. That lonely, despaired traveler caught hope in the shimmering of dying leaves fortified by the glorious setting of the sun. Through the exhausting day of seeing the rage in todays world, wish i could change it….. I became renewed by what i decided to set my eyes on… i know, God willing, I will see it again tomorrow … it was beautiful…. so was that Harley davidson tractor trailer rolling down the highway next to me😉

Wasted Years

From coast to coast,
And from sea to sea
I travel on, far and wide,
But now it seems
I’m just a stranger to myself
And All the things I sometimes do
Isn’t me but someone else
I close my eyes  and I think of home
Another city goes by, into the night

Too much time on my hands,
I got you on my mind
I cannot ease this pain, so easily
When you can’t find the words to say
It’s hard to make through another day
It makes me want to cry
I throw my hands up to the sky

So understand all the wasted time searching for those wasted years
Face it
Make it stand
And realize you’re living in the golden years

…..Iron Maiden, who thought thier lyrics could be even remotely romantic?
It’s basically my gawddamn sonnet.
A man in pain, regrets and romanticizing his past love, losing himself. Trying all to take away the pain. Do I hold on to the pain simply so I have a reason to medicate?
Or maybe I clutch to it, my own personal brokeness, Individu-fucking-ality!
Or maybe the pain is my favorite drug… kind of fucked up to enjoy the feeling of being splayed out, entrails strewn about, staring down at my empty bowels that use to be the host of a man. With hope, integrity and dignity. People thought I’d go far. Lol.
Charming smile ✔
Bursting with positivity✔
Full of energy✔ (id like to thank narcotics for that).
Firm handshake✔
All a crock of shit.✔✔

WOEFUL… UM.. WILFUL SEARCH?

And tomorrow morning I get to pack up my things and hop on another plane. Off to a place that I once loved. A very short time ago, a place where I wanted to be, where I thought I belonged, that I felt drawn to.. that I loved.
I loved.
It’s odd how things get cloudy or get convoluted.. get smeared buy my own messed up thoughts, actions, and behaviors.
Choices and deliberate actions seem to draw lines that were once very clear. That are now smudged, faded, and nearly erased. Do these changes become permanent? Or do we someday ever find ourselves and back to where we once were.
The only thing that hasn’t changed is my muse. I still have this ideology of this one person that I love. The one person that can be my safe place, my Safe Haven, my savior. My stunted feable mind can’t seem to move past it. Even though it may have been the worst thing for me, ever. It’s an ideology, something I reach for a constantly. Love to have that candy bar on the very very top shelf.. constantly Out Of Reach
Fuck! Is this some sort of sadomasochistic mind fuck that I just continue to use to torture myself? I have this belief that any woman I ever find myself attracted to is too good for me. That I am somehow undeserving, that my constant bad choices will no doubt be my undoing in any relationship.
So I constantly lower the bar. The bar with which I measure women, the bar of my own moral guidelines, my compass spins constantly. I lack a true north. And because of that, I constantly settle. I settle for substandard, I settle for less than regarding my own choices.
I wish I felt deserving. Maybe that’s why I hate this new generation the Liberal Party the people that feel like they deserve everything. The snowflakes.., a group of entitled whining Bratz. God I just wish my phone knew how to spell. I could dictate everything into this stupid son of a b****.

Hit a block I’m off to bed… unresolved, unrequited, unimpressed. As I generally am by my own thoughts, by my own actions, by myself.

Sleepless in…. (where the fuck am I again?)

Sleep deprivation is wonderful, said no-one, at anytime ever.

My tendency is to think of myself as the little engine that could…. I over-commit and do my due diligence to deliver, to my own demise.
I love accomplishing goals, the feeling of a job well done is so satisfying, with or without the atta-boys, fanfare and applause…
(Danny is such a GOOD boy, yes..he…is)
**tailwags**
**shuffles papers and acts busy**
I give myself enough pats on the back.
At the end of jobs well done, say, going to bed at 330 am, It is my ritualistic reward to lie in bed wide awake, torturing myself with what did I forget to do, or what did I fail to mention, forget to call. Even better than that, once I settle my brain and my subconscious kicks in with the most amazing, jarring, snap-you-right-outta slumber, twilight kinda dream.
Sometimes it’s a vivid trip and fall, others it’s walking into a wall.
Last night’s was a new one. As I drifted to sleep, a kid and little brother laying by the pool face down, having a contest of who could hold their breath the longest with their face in the pool. As I watched, I realized the youngest won by drowning. I was jarred awake by leaping out of my poolside lounge chair.
Eyes wide open, I realize I am tucked safely in my hotel bed, at 4 am. Followed by yet another dream that happened 3 times in a row. First 2 times I saw a large peice of luggage dangling above me by a rope. I am blocked on 3 sides, I watched wondering what it was doing there, when all the sudden it is shoved down on me, under the weight of it and some person doing it intentionally, I woke up yelling. What the neighboring rooms must have thought.
Whew! I am “safely” in my bed at 425 am.
Finally I am dreaming, I am in my bed in my cozy hotel room, when all the sudden, someone is attempting to smother me with my pillow and blankets… I struggle unable to breath. When I finally get my face clear of the obstructions, there I am, smothering myself!
I come to and my pillows and blankets are, well, everywhere.
My subconscience is a strong sum bitch.
He is also a crazy muther fucker, unlike myself.

Fuck you! I am sane as I determine I am, “I’m not crazy, you’re crazy.”

I can’t imagine what my fuckin subconscious me is trying to tell my conscious self, but the cot-damn, sub-me needs to get to fucking sleep.
Oh yeah, I am awake, he IS asleep…. what a jackwagon!

Fuck this shit, I have had not enough sleep, or enough coffee, or nowhere near enough narcotics.

“Guess i picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue”.
I’m gonna board another long tin tube, with aluminum air foils, to be hurled through the air at mind splattering speeds….
Welcome to the friendly skies muther fuckers, hope I don’t get my ass kicked by the airport cops.

To the airport cops: IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I AM NOT WRITTING IT, IT’S THE CRAZY REDHEAD SITTING NEXT TO ME, SHE HAS ABSCONDED MY PHONE, SHE NEEDS TO BE APPREHENDED…..S.O.S.(sweet! an empty center seat!)

FUCK HIKING

Journey to the top of the mountian always starts at the bottom.
Journey of 1000 miles always begins with the first step.
Depressed?

*Physical activities always helps me.

*Get out and do something.

WHAT THE FUCK Y’ALL THINK I BEEN DOING!?!? SITTING ON MY ASS!?!?

I actually love hiking. I get this push, almost to beat myself to the top. This drive makes me wonder if I would have made a great athlete, with proper direction (and if I was also born with natural talent, size more than average). Have to board another fucking tin can destined to break laws of nature, physics, and hurl me from Charlotte to Dallas in the least comfortable fashion engineering’s corporate driven design could afford me.

BUT HEY! BEATS THE HELL OUTTA DRIVING (wait, I LIKE driving)!
I digress, back to hiking. I love the trees, the wildlife, the smells, the sounds…. the companionship… which ironically is usually just me.

In a forest (unlike a hotel room) I am away from others, isolated in the great wide open (or density of the trees), free of judgement, comparison, jealousy, desire, lust (yes even my sex drive subsides) frustration at rude fucking trolls who feel the need to step directly in front of you to get closer to the line at the airport.
(Yes you 2!!!)🖕🖕🖕👊👋🖕🖕🖕 I still boarded before both of you fucks… God bless you both.

Again … where was I?

My inner dialect subsides, becomes gentler and less harsh on me. And apparently less harsh on those around me, ie.. people who jump infront of me.
I feel closer to God. I converse with him as if He were on the trail with me, with a frankness that I am not sure He appreciates.

“Hey God, why did such an optimistic, and happy young man turn into such a gun shy, untrusting, guarded fuck like me.” Or..
“Hey God, why can’t I have the things I really want, cause of all the sex out of wedlock? Drugs? Alcohol? Masterbation?”
“Hey God, dont give me cancer, strike me down, plane crash, lightning, car wreck, deer attack. Something quick and at anytime.. I’m ready. Um. Ok… waiting…”

” Hey God, it’s me Margaret.”
I look up in the trees and see the light shine through, reflecting off the leaves and branches. The rays of sun shooting through like beams. Tranquility. I love the thoughts of living in the mountian. I would become a recluse. I remember being the guy who really believed everybody deep down “honestly was trying to do the right thing”. So far away… I want to be that naive again.
Not sure where I lost my Rose colored glasses, somewhere in a pile of blow, burnt up in a meth pipe, melted away in a psychotic trip with shrooms, acid, or what the kids now call molly (most likely were enhanced during the psychotropics😉).

I actually remember sitting them under a bottle of Jack. And there was that time, on the couch, with that girl…. yup that’s where I lost them……. In a vagina (Ahha moment!). Is it possible that is what I have been doing? Looking in vaginas for my youth? I have had more sex than most men my age, I don’t say that to brag.. more as a confession. Even people I should be ashamed for having fucked, yet are high on my sex stories list. And dont ask me to come up with numbers, it’s gonna be a guess. Hell I have forgotten names from the past year even. I did have a 6 months dry spell, by choice. All that and I only managed to fall in love 4 times, married twice, not recommended.
⬆⬆⬆

Look out alcoholics anonymous, just finished my fearless moral inventory. I think I would make Bill W. blush. In one fucking paragraph. Ha! My ego thrives through self loathing.
Oh yes… climbing to the top.
The squirrels are my favorite, those scampering little pricks…. They literally have no worries. Usually in pairs. Nothing to parallel here, nothing prophetic.. I just love squirrels. Adhd intermission if you will.
I never get to a summit though. Side trails intrigue me, especially where they are not clearly marked. Especially where there is no trail. People who have poor internal compasses are warned to never do this. I have a poor internal compass, hell, I would hardly be able to utilize a compass in my hand WITH a map. I regularly lose my way. Suprisingly, this is not only figurative it is quite literal.
In hindsight, i really need to go for a hike, and fuck. Actually both together.
So back to my original question, you remember back at the top, before all my rambling.

Oops, not that..
WHAT THE FUCK Y’ALL THINK I BEEN DOING!?!? SITTING ON MY ASS!?!?

I’ve been getting up…
Every morning….
Against every part of my body and mind that fights it….
I move, slowly at times, not doing everything I need to….

I keep moving, even when I should stop. How’s that for get out and fucking do something!?!?

Somehow this year’s passing holiday blah didnt pass, it festered…it held on and grew. Like a sore, rotted with infection, painful and oozing with ugly stuff I never wanted the world to see. Interesting Segway the story takes. I didnt see it when I started writing. Our body is full of dangerous bacteria. Stored there, really not harming us, until oxygen hits it… then boom!
Wow… think that trail was not marked.

I mean have you seen my ass? Well 15 yrs ago it was really something.
I’m tragically flawed, but I got a great heart. What a day for a hike.

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